Thursday, May 8, 2014

You look tired

I'm very tired.
Work is getting harder because the pharmacy leaving perfectly busy stores with only one technician...ME!
I know my friend wanted this other beach store to be the place for me and all but man am I tired.
I'm secretly glad this is not my home store because they have a huge clusterfuck of problems I can see why the other tech quit!
Wednesday was too much, work was so hard!
The phones kept ringing and the pharmacist is putting everyone on hold.
I answer the phones and am just apologizing at this point.
Had some stupid cunt give me shit over some conversation I never had with her, she even acknowledged she didn't speak to me per say so wtf bro!
She's the assistant to the ambassador of some shit and I'm like look I'm sorry you were on hold but what can I help you with?
She ripped me a new asshole folks.
We're talking sodomy here!
She even asks me my name and says she will call and complain about me.
So fucking unfair I never even spoke to her or put her on hold.
No one comes to my defense I may be in deep doo doo here because the ambassador of idk wtf is pissed he was on hold and his fucking CIALIS and XANAX is not ready.
As a matter of fact this assistant of his comes to pick up his petty shit today all the while staring at my name tag, very docile today. Oh she knows, she remembers me. She tries to play it off, not such the big Man now huh bitch?
I know exactly who she is and give her dead stares.
How can you just mess with someone's livelihood here. Bitch you don't know me, don't know what I have to deal with day in and out just to pay bills and take care of my daughter.
This is my life, I'm not the assistant to anyone, I'm a single mom trying to make ends meet here.

The exhaustion always comes the night before when I'm supposed to be asleep but am not. Then the wave of sleep hits me early in the wee hours about 5am where I sleep till being rudely awakened by my alarm at 7am.
My head is always pounding by then-ALWAYS!
I wake my daughter up for school and it's a rush to get us both ready in the span of an hour.
Yesterday Wednesday afternoon, my ex drops her off from school. He's extra chatty today and keeps looking me over lingering on my face trying to make eye contact which I've seldom been doing these days because well I'm just getting disinterested with it all, feel like I'm on auto pilot most of the time.
He makes small talk and I just want to go inside my house.
After a very fucking busy day yesterday I have to head home and make dinner because there's nothing to eat here because I don't eat. If I lived alone would be bloody emaciated because Fuck food!
As it happens everyone around me is human and needs nourishment so I'm chained to a stove.
After my daughter gets home I'm told of "Fun Day" at her school aka 5$ admission that her dad pawned on me at the last minute. Dinner is ready and she and I both eat.
I purge till I can't anymore.
I work out twice because Fuck You Lou.
I fall asleep a lil while later.

After my daughter and I are ready this morning I have no gas in the car, the money; I have none on me, never any cash...
I have to be at work at 9am and it's already 8:20!
Everything that could go wrong does.
I have a 10 dollar bill in a ceramic piggy bank called "Vacation fund" pfft I'll never vacate anywhere except my mind maybe it seems at times. I have to raid it, but ah of course its a five dollar bill I need so I buy two meat pastries for a buck at some cafeteria by her school, and then get detained with detours, garbage day  and traffic before reaching my kids school.
This is not my morning, I hate when things get like this.
I park far away and rush into her school, I kiss my kid goodbye and haul ass back to my car.
Near where I parked there's a sweet stray puppy that's wagging his tail and ever so hungry so I toss both meat pastries his way, the poor thing scarfs em down.

I have horrible, horrible anxiety driving to the beach because my car I'm so traumatized that any minute will break down.
I feel sick because well laxatives.
My car has no air conditioning so the drive in the heat helps nothing for me to feel better.
All I can do is pray to God that my car doesn't malfunction and shut off while I'm driving and I don't crash or have a heart attack behind the wheel.
After 15 minutes of driving at 60mph on the freeway to the beach I'm finally over the last ramp where I can exhale and worry about a whole new set of crap.
What will the day be like?
Work is so fucking tedious. I try to catch us up today as best I can.
I have other stores asking me to work for them, other stores?
When will I get a break in the middle of the week.
This beach store has scheduled me for Monday 9-1, then that same day head over to the other store from 2-9!
That's like 10hrs in one day alone! Bloody hell man.
Next week have to work also that same Friday from 9-3 (6hrs).
That's it, next week am taking Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off! I can't. I need a break.
My legs hurt so bad at work today. The minute I got there with two minutes till 9am, I took migraine pills immediately.
The day was long kept staring at clock counting down what seemed like the longest 5hrs ever!

"Can you work this Saturday?" the pharmacist asks.
I tell her have no sitter, she sighs disappointed.

My work hubby big gay Al and I have been chatting more and more outside of work which is nice.
He surprised me last night by telling me he was going to be at the very store I was in at 2.
I tell him the cruel irony I was leaving at that time!
He shows up today at 1:30 which was very sweet just to get to spend some time with me.
Aww if only all my marriages were this considerate.
At 2pm I'm speeding out the parking lot to get my daughter from school.
I'm so tired my thighs ache.
I get her from school with two minutes to spare.
My ex calls me to chat.
Hmm he's being awfully nice?
He tells me he's concerned for me, that "I look tired."
Well I am thanks for noticing.
He's tired himself and will try to get Wednesday off next week to keep my daughter longer and give me an extra day off with no kid.
My kid and I get home, I feed her leftovers and go to sleep.
She wakes me up two hours to tell me she has bugs in her room.
When I look her hamster food is full of weevils!
I toss the food away and spray the room. I Frontline the cats for fleas while I'm up.
My kid is upset crying because her hamster may get bit by bugs or die idk.
I'm not in the best mood today so I'm not exactly empathetic towards the rodent.
I fall back asleep.

My brother went to trial today and I have no idea what's happened.
His lawyer never called me so even if I didn't work today I couldn't go cause I didn't have all the info.
My sister and I are incredibly frustrated with his constant phone calls and requests.
We both work very hard and have kids, taking care of another person is just too much on our hearts right now even though he is family.
It's very depressing to lie to him about our days because well he's in prison, no matter what we go through we still have our freedom.
It's sort of rude of us to keep living normally when our brother cannot.
Or at least that's how it feels like anyways.
I haven't heard from him in two days so I don't know if he's okay. I have been thinking of him guiltily all day.
Seems like all my complaints are so petty when someone else has it harder.
We're all he has and that's a huge bite to swallow.
I think I'm a bad sister.
I just have a lot on my own plate that I don't want to eat (insert ED pun here) without someone else dumping their leftovers on my plate.
I'm nervous, tomorrow work at a brand new store I've never been at that's notorious for its disarray.
I'm very depressed, so very depressed.
At some point driving today was entertaining possible deaths that I could bring on while driving just because I'm so very tired of waking up with aches and pains that never seem to let up.
How can one desire to live when life hurts.
God the other day at the grocery store couldn't even buy anything to eat because I was so hungry. I just walked the store forever and ended up with just a low fat chocolate milk that cost 1.19$..

I feel so alone.
You can't possibly imagine how much my heart aches.
How constricting it feels.

Have been bleeding again vaginally for no reason.
Was thinking what on Earth is the matter with me. Maybe I have Cancer.

My work hubby texts me and I tell him how tired I am and will be taking much needed time off.
He suggests we have Lunch Thursday, Idk about eating but will definitely take him up on the company.
He was very excited about seeing me, that's nice.
I'm glad I make someone happy.
You should've heard him gushing about me at work today to the Pharmacist on duty.
I have no idea why I merit this but Thank You for saying so.

Today is my boyfriend's Mom's birthday, I've been so preoccupied with my own welfare I didn't know the protocol for his family and so as usual he's giving me shit.

The truth is been caught up in my own life, too concerned to worry about anybody else's.
Guess that makes me a stupid bitch girlfriend in his eyes.
Oh well guess I can't win them all.
Maybe love just isn't enough these days.
You have to be ever so mindful of others too or else you're not a "goodhearted person."
Never said I was perfect.

Thanks for reading my nonsense.
I'm going to take my exhausted ass to sleep because tomorrow is another stressful day for me.
Love you all Goodnight.

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