Saturday, August 2, 2014

I has no patience

“Patience is a Virtue” –  William Langland, The Vision of Piers Plowman

Yeah right..

Hi there, it's been a minute since I've been on here. I apologize.
Sometimes I feel like there is an echo in here... but that's okay too. I like the quiet.
I have oodles of free time as it happens so I'm going to try to get these thoughts down.
This is also a warm up, to get my lazy wide behind
back to finishing the novel. I'm almost done, I can see the finish line, I really am ready to just wrap it up already.

My daughter just came in my room asking "Mommy whatcha doing?"
To which I reply I am Blogging!
She smiles at me so genuine, and gives me a kiss and a hug. She comes back a minute later and tells me she thinks its cool I have a Blog.
I think in some circles having a Blog does not make you cool, *pushes glasses up* but then again I'm a nerd and standing out has always made me feel like I fit in.
I think I'm cool and you fellow Bloggers definitely are.
Okay so here we go.

Let's talk about Work.
Work or lack thereof I should say.
I've had NO work all this week.
Hours are being cut and I'm feeling the knife under my throat.
We've officially entered August and I have more bills than job offers.
I have exactly two days of work in the next two weeks so far.

I am incredibly nervous.
I'm starting to worry and get depressed again. I cry all the time now at random intervals. My heart is heavy with the burden of being the sole bread winner here.
If I can't provide for my Little family than who will?

My current bills include rent, cell phone, internet, groceries, light and NOW CAR INSURANCE.
Yes folks the 6 months of insurance have lapsed and it's time to renew. That's 600$ for another 6 months or an extra 100$ a month till February.
What am I going to do?
Oh and lets not forget a ticket I got when I went to float at a pharmacy on the beach whose parking lot had meters you have to feed every two hours unbeknownst to me.

I have Back to School shopping which has to be done.
My ex insists I get all of the school supplies and he'll pay me half of it later.
Well I can't afford a whole lot.
Thank God some of you out there have always sent me packages of goodies and you all sometimes throw cute lil goodies for my kid, I went around the house and collected all I could to cut my list of school supplies in half.
Thank you Angels for your generosity. Why you stick around and bet on a bum horse like me I will never know but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I was able to just come out of pocket by about 20 something dollars left in school supplies.
I told my ex he had to provide the uniforms, shoes and book bag to which he has.
That takes care of that.
Now the daily cost of having a kid(s) home from school means feeding  round the clock. When you have to come out of pocket for groceries it's a hassle.
You people and your eating, such expensive business, it further just makes me angrier at food and the mere thought of eating it.
Sometimes I'm so hungry but go without eating because there is only one loaf of bread and we have to make that last and everybody is always eating and I just want one slice of bread with butter or mayonnaise to get me through the day. Sometimes I just have to put my own needs and wants aside because I have disordered eating and maybe that one slice of bread is triggering and I may purge that and well, I will feel guilty afterwards because someone else could have eaten that one slice and enjoyed it.
Guilt you see, is a powerful deterrent.
I rather cook all day and feed everyone else than deal with the backlash of purging if I partake.

The second order of business would be my Eating Disorder and how I am progressing.
I would be lying if I said I haven't had a week where I just reveled in the thing and loved it because I was getting such positive results.
But on that same note have had to gain it all back because I've stopped doing all those behaviors.
Am I pissed? of course.
I feel like I've worked so hard to lose it all in the blink of an eye.
I don't want to stop doing behaviors, I don't, God help me because I just don't.
Can I be myself and do them No.
When I have to stop because I don't want to make say, my boyfriend uncomfortable than I do.
It's so fucking hard and mentally I hate myself more but I do because I love him. When I do eat around him and it turns out I need to purge ever so bad, I feel horrible like I have to ask for permission, I have to let him know what I'm about to do. He understands of course but I know deep down inside how bad he must feel listening to me yak in the toilet and trying to understand how something so little as a toddler size portion on rice and chicken can send me over the edge? Why can't I just not do that.
I know he wishes I were better or cared about myself but I just don't.
I'm sorry, I've had far too many horrible things happen to me that I deal with on a daily basis (without therapy) that just suffocate any premise I had towards recovery.
Behaviors are both rewarding and punishing. Most days I don't know what side of the coin it all lands on.
I'm not perfect, I am a woman who has a mental disorder that she deals with from the moment she wakes until she closes her eyes to sleep. This never stops for me. I am who I am and that won't change until I figure out how to.
The figuring out part is hard too because I am utterly alone in this.
I don't have the tools to do so.
This disease is isolating and needs isolation to thrive.
I feel it the most when I'm alone. It's all I can think about.
Today for example have spent the majority of the day in bed, if I were to get up and move around then well there's a greater chance of a b/p session.
Sometimes just marooning myself on an island is safer. I cause less damage, disappoint less.
Unfortunately I don't have the luxury in just doing that, I have a very bored 9yr old who wants my attention all day.
I have to plaster a smile and do my domestic duties.
I feel like I must do something with her, after all her fun summer was cut short by my ass of an ex who has been doing nothing fun with her incidentally.
I am broke and have a car that leaks water like crazy, going far (and far of course is where all the good shit is) is just not a possibility right now.
There isn't a time in the day where I think of my daughter and just sob quietly. I feel like I'm just letting her down, her precious childhood I'm stealing with my lacking.
She saved my life once but I can never repay her, I can't seem to make it a good life in return. I struggle way too much.
How can I make her happy, how can she possibly still look at me with those big eyes and not hate her loser mother yet?
Don't you know what I've put you through once? How can I make sure it never happens again?

I still drink every night, some days it's all I allow in my stomach.
Of course this is helping in my death, but it both destroys and nourishes me.
Quiets my tormented mind and helps put me to rest for the night.
It's also killing me, that's for sure.
Lou, you're killing yourself. You stupid girl are partaking in a very slow suicide.
A normal sane person would stop immediately, but a woman with an addictive personality continues despite the good or bad around her.

Let's move along now.
My car is leaking water again.
I've finally had to muster up the balls to contact that shady mechanic that my ex uses, the one that looks like Meatloaf circa the movie Fight Club..
He says it's a hose, a problem that may not cost me much.
So I've suggested he change my oil and the hose, I hope the repairs and labor are less than 100$

I have so little in my savings.
I need to get another job.
I've spoken to my kid's Godmother, the lovely Angel who's blessed me with this current title on my resume, she suggest I pick up extra hours as a cashier for the company.
I think when car is fixed will hit up my old work hubby Big Gay Al, and see if I can cashier at his pharmacy, they don't need any pharmacy techs yet.
Maybe I can do that or just try to work at McDonald's or somewhere. I don't know
It's just hard because I'm only available in the mornings on account of my daughter and no sitter.
Usually jobs need night shifts and weekends so anything I can do is simply not what they are looking to hire.
If I were thin, or had a hot body would be a stripper or webcam girl, but of course am  a pudgy cellulite riddled fat girl.
No work there unless my target audience were Chubby Chasers in which case I'd be rich because they pay by the pound.

Let's see what else I can inform you on.
Hmm well not much.
My older brother Is still in Prison, his oldest daughter who he hasn't seen in 11 yrs is finally 18 years old.
He wants contact with her so my sister has been reaching out to her on Facebook. I don't know if she would care to start a relationship with her estranged father or not.
My brother is reading more in prison, is smitten with the author Lee Child and wishes I would mail him books from amazon, but I can't right now, I'm far too broke.
I can't even give him 20$ in his commissary.
He understands to an extent but it's still a sad ordeal.
I wish I didn't have to go through this but I do.
It still breaks my heart and makes me feel like a bad sister because I can't help him, I can't make life in prison easier on him. Hell I can't make life easier on the outside for myself either.

Patience I don't like to have.
I don't want to keep holding on and hoping I can come out through the other side unscathed.
I'm not quite sure that's my role.

I've been told to pray on it, but I just don't wanna hope any further.
I need action not hope.
I need to know my suffering means something, stands for something.
Maybe even in death.

Maybe that's all I'm good for to endure and lie in wait.

so that's it goodnight.




Jenn said...

its been a while for me too. Oh girl I so feel your pain. :-( I'm right there with you!