Breakdown

Friday Vlog

I did it! I teleported in to the women's bathroom! Then you're a pervert!

So I should take a little break from the Heroes Marathon on Netflix.
I'm on season 2 and Mr. Bennet (badass) just died and came back to life.

This is a good show. Many many thanks to Anon. for recommending it. So far my favs are Hiro, Mr. Bennet, and the pretty Peter, mmmm Mohinder, I could listen to his accent all day if I could lol.. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with specifics. I'm on Season 2, two more seasons to go, I'll drag this out as long as I can.

So I'm not doing so hot.
I've been kinda depressed lately.
I allowed myself food yesterday and I'm paying for it today. My weight is shit.
I knew this would happen, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
After I picked up my daughter from school I headed to CVS, I have meds that I haven't been taking that need to be picked up. I think I've been dreading heading to CVS on account it's a constant reminder of the whole had a job then all of a sudden didn't have a job fiasco. It makes me sad.
I know I should be taking my meds because I'm going to start getting worse any minute now, but I can't seem to care enough. I'm not thinking clearly about anything lately.
I've been feeling like I just want to end everything and be left alone. Be sad and miserable without company.
This is all the depression talking of course, no one really could possibly want these things. I don't.
I can't stand myself, why on Earth should I want to keep myself company. I'd have to be drunk twenty fours a day just to tolerate myself if that ever happened.

Today I've b/p more than I care for. I've also started to pick at my skin again. This habit I really hate and have managed to avoid for some months. Not today, before and after purging sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like hours picking with whatever sharp object I could find first. Hacked up whatever real or imaginary imperfection I saw till I got it all out. I felt 100x better afterwards, relief even like that made everything better for the moment.
Came out of the bathroom dizzy and disoriented to say the least.
I managed to keep my face at a minimum. I have scars that I hide from previous episodes in the past. Lately I've actually found a skin lighting cream that seems to work. I've gone through several trial and errors there. This one does the trick, been trying to get rid of those nasty teeth nicks on my hands too. Those are a lil trickier because I never let them heal and it seems like they go further and further down my hand and wrist even, yeah I said wrist. I can be a determined one when I want something.

I want laxatives, but I'm extra broke this week so I can't rack up like I'm used to.
My ex called me today, he was on his way to get my daughter, I'm desperate so I asked him to please buy me three boxes of laxatives for tonight. He agreed and remembers my brand.
He's always been an enabler.
In my apartment and he gives me grief as usual, I take my boxes and immediately start popping em.
He asks me about cuts on my person and I tell him, he already knows I do this. He can't tell me much, what can you possibly say to me that would even get through to me, I don't even listen to me.
I don't think in the moment, I just deal with whatever comes later.
My daughter has Summer tutoring, tomorrow is her last day of school. She'll have to go to class twice a week for four hours. My sister pointed out to me that her classes will actually be on days my Ex has her, I found this hilarious, I'd be sleeping in after all.
I say goodbye to my daughter and tell her I love her, my ex says goodbye and mumbles he loves me too, I ignore it. He tries to make eye contact, I couldn't close my door any quicker. God how I wish he would just move on. I wish I had a job, I'd save for a divorce immediately. It's time everyone start over with their lives, no more delusions.
You can't possibly have a future with anyone if your past (EX) is staring right at you. I don't care to be one of those complicated people, the ones that are all tangled up like a ball of yarn, their past and present so intertwined you just wanna avoid the entanglement all together because it's just too hard and time consuming.
 I just want a clean break. I want simplicity if that's even possible. I'm sure it is, but like everything else only you can change your current situation.

After he takes her for the night, I'm left all alone to my devices.
I was going to workout but the Heroes marathon called to me, so there that idea went. I'll try to pull myself away and try to write. Started a new chapter and I'm three pages in.
I'm stuck now because I don't know where to take this character. I don't know if I should turn him into someone else. He was good at first, but I'm thinking there has to be a bad guy, maybe it could be him?
I don't know yet, I was thinking of going a different route but I guess this is why I haven't finished this novel in the four years since starting it, I just don't know, or rather can't make up my mind and follow through.


So now what.
Maybe just let today end and have a do over tomorrow.
I think I'll do just that.
Tomorrow will be different. I'll try harder.
On a happier note today makes day two no smoking cigarettes. I've decided to slow down and all together quit.
The smoking is triggering Anxiety and I can't have none of that. Anxiety attacks scare me, I don't want one, I don't need this.
So bye bye Nicotine, I've quit you before I can do it again.
If I get fed up or really bored with something I can get rid of it but I have to really apply myself. I've quit hard drugs, a party lifestyle, an abusive ex husband..I'm sure drinking, smoking and the eating disorder will follow someday too.
Everything in it's time. No more, no less.

Shower

I've b/p today, and took laxatives.
I started having major Anxiety an hour later, because I take so many I put my body through a lot it's quite the painful experience that I'm not looking forward too, so of course I get antsy thinking about the long night ahead.

I took a cold shower because I started to get hot flashes. The shower didn't help, the water falling on my skin felt too intense, everything felt exaggerated.
I needed to try to calm down.
 I came up with this thing that has been helping me sometimes.
I applied these sticky mirrors in my shower, when I feel an attack coming on I'll hop in the tub and lather myself with some body wash that smells really nice
 (scent helps my panic too) if I can look at myself in the mirror also whilst the attack is coming on, then I can talk myself down. It works sometimes..today it sorta did.

In that panic stricken moment so much goes through my head, mostly I start to feel sorry for myself and analyze everything, including what Recovery is like.

I started to think about getting back into therapy again, and actually telling someone about my Ed from the beginning.

Then there are thoughts like what is the point, you know help is beyond you now.

You don't even know why you do the things you do, how can someone else figure it out for you, you're going to waste someones time with all your problems..etc etc

I always do this, I want help and in that brief moment of clarity I get hopeful.

Once it passe and I feel better I push all those thoughts away.

I don't know why I have no regard for my life or anything, I never thought this would be my life, what life?

I have disordered thinking, lately its been nothing but wishing I was back to my lowest weight, I was happy then, losing weight was effortless, it just kept coming off.

I was a functioning anorexic too, I had a great job, I went out every weekend, I did things, had fun all the time.

I did have bad days too sure, there were days where my body hurt, I was cold all the time, but I wasn't as aware as I am now to how bad this is.

I know now the way I'm living is unhealthy, back then I didn't and I was too distracted to care.

Getting back down to my lowest weight won't help matters, I hate that I've been thinking that, I won't. These are just things that go through my head sometimes..bad things.

I have too much time on my hands which makes this Ed dangerous. It consumes me more and more. I don't see it stopping unless I'm really ready. I keep thinking I can do this all on my own, but maybe I'm not supposed to. I'm just scared to let someone else know me, truly know me; us, Ed and I.

Maybe one day I will.

I was planning on taking a sleeping pill later and calling it a day, wanted to stop b/ping.

Instead I'll tough it out, I'll never learn to slow this down if I just keep looking for shortcuts.

I'm going to try and write, I'll need another shower, I feel so hot still.

I regret the laxatives now, I really do, those things are gonna kill me.

God I wish I could stop all this bullshit.



Heros-filled Sunday

Saturday Vlog

Felicity-less Friday