Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I did it! I teleported in to the women's bathroom! Then you're a pervert!

So I should take a little break from the Heroes Marathon on Netflix.
I'm on season 2 and Mr. Bennet (badass) just died and came back to life.

This is a good show. Many many thanks to Anon. for recommending it. So far my favs are Hiro, Mr. Bennet, and the pretty Peter, mmmm Mohinder, I could listen to his accent all day if I could lol.. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with specifics. I'm on Season 2, two more seasons to go, I'll drag this out as long as I can.

So I'm not doing so hot.
I've been kinda depressed lately.
I allowed myself food yesterday and I'm paying for it today. My weight is shit.
I knew this would happen, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
After I picked up my daughter from school I headed to CVS, I have meds that I haven't been taking that need to be picked up. I think I've been dreading heading to CVS on account it's a constant reminder of the whole had a job then all of a sudden didn't have a job fiasco. It makes me sad.
I know I should be taking my meds because I'm going to start getting worse any minute now, but I can't seem to care enough. I'm not thinking clearly about anything lately.
I've been feeling like I just want to end everything and be left alone. Be sad and miserable without company.
This is all the depression talking of course, no one really could possibly want these things. I don't.
I can't stand myself, why on Earth should I want to keep myself company. I'd have to be drunk twenty fours a day just to tolerate myself if that ever happened.

Today I've b/p more than I care for. I've also started to pick at my skin again. This habit I really hate and have managed to avoid for some months. Not today, before and after purging sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like hours picking with whatever sharp object I could find first. Hacked up whatever real or imaginary imperfection I saw till I got it all out. I felt 100x better afterwards, relief even like that made everything better for the moment.
Came out of the bathroom dizzy and disoriented to say the least.
I managed to keep my face at a minimum. I have scars that I hide from previous episodes in the past. Lately I've actually found a skin lighting cream that seems to work. I've gone through several trial and errors there. This one does the trick, been trying to get rid of those nasty teeth nicks on my hands too. Those are a lil trickier because I never let them heal and it seems like they go further and further down my hand and wrist even, yeah I said wrist. I can be a determined one when I want something.

I want laxatives, but I'm extra broke this week so I can't rack up like I'm used to.
My ex called me today, he was on his way to get my daughter, I'm desperate so I asked him to please buy me three boxes of laxatives for tonight. He agreed and remembers my brand.
He's always been an enabler.
In my apartment and he gives me grief as usual, I take my boxes and immediately start popping em.
He asks me about cuts on my person and I tell him, he already knows I do this. He can't tell me much, what can you possibly say to me that would even get through to me, I don't even listen to me.
I don't think in the moment, I just deal with whatever comes later.
My daughter has Summer tutoring, tomorrow is her last day of school. She'll have to go to class twice a week for four hours. My sister pointed out to me that her classes will actually be on days my Ex has her, I found this hilarious, I'd be sleeping in after all.
I say goodbye to my daughter and tell her I love her, my ex says goodbye and mumbles he loves me too, I ignore it. He tries to make eye contact, I couldn't close my door any quicker. God how I wish he would just move on. I wish I had a job, I'd save for a divorce immediately. It's time everyone start over with their lives, no more delusions.
You can't possibly have a future with anyone if your past (EX) is staring right at you. I don't care to be one of those complicated people, the ones that are all tangled up like a ball of yarn, their past and present so intertwined you just wanna avoid the entanglement all together because it's just too hard and time consuming.
 I just want a clean break. I want simplicity if that's even possible. I'm sure it is, but like everything else only you can change your current situation.

After he takes her for the night, I'm left all alone to my devices.
I was going to workout but the Heroes marathon called to me, so there that idea went. I'll try to pull myself away and try to write. Started a new chapter and I'm three pages in.
I'm stuck now because I don't know where to take this character. I don't know if I should turn him into someone else. He was good at first, but I'm thinking there has to be a bad guy, maybe it could be him?
I don't know yet, I was thinking of going a different route but I guess this is why I haven't finished this novel in the four years since starting it, I just don't know, or rather can't make up my mind and follow through.

So now what.
Maybe just let today end and have a do over tomorrow.
I think I'll do just that.
Tomorrow will be different. I'll try harder.
On a happier note today makes day two no smoking cigarettes. I've decided to slow down and all together quit.
The smoking is triggering Anxiety and I can't have none of that. Anxiety attacks scare me, I don't want one, I don't need this.
So bye bye Nicotine, I've quit you before I can do it again.
If I get fed up or really bored with something I can get rid of it but I have to really apply myself. I've quit hard drugs, a party lifestyle, an abusive ex husband..I'm sure drinking, smoking and the eating disorder will follow someday too.
Everything in it's time. No more, no less.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Omg I am so addicted to heroes! I'm a Hiro fan. He's adorable!

Cheare-da tskuu; Seaki tskuu.

I hate hearing that you're in the same place I am. Look after yourself and do what you need to get yourself better.

I've heard that home-henna-tattoo-kits can be a good substitute for picking urges, but I've never tried them. All my picking spots are on my scalp, yay for grey hairs in the early 20s :/ It might be worth a shot, and you get temporary tattoos out of it. A way to decide what you want inked where before sinking money into it?

Biggest trololol grin ever going on here at the timing of Miss B's holiday classes. Nice timing! XD *long distance high five*

That character could be like Clare's Dad. Or he could be a Sylar (OMG SYLAR=BEST VILLAIN OF ALL TIME! Zachary Quinto, oh you lucky, lucky boys)

You are an amazing person and your strength is an inspiration. Even on the days you feel weakest you've got more guts than ten other people combined on their best days. Don't ever give up on yourself, because you're worth any fight.