Shower

I've b/p today, and took laxatives.
I started having major Anxiety an hour later, because I take so many I put my body through a lot it's quite the painful experience that I'm not looking forward too, so of course I get antsy thinking about the long night ahead.

I took a cold shower because I started to get hot flashes. The shower didn't help, the water falling on my skin felt too intense, everything felt exaggerated.
I needed to try to calm down.
 I came up with this thing that has been helping me sometimes.
I applied these sticky mirrors in my shower, when I feel an attack coming on I'll hop in the tub and lather myself with some body wash that smells really nice
 (scent helps my panic too) if I can look at myself in the mirror also whilst the attack is coming on, then I can talk myself down. It works sometimes..today it sorta did.

In that panic stricken moment so much goes through my head, mostly I start to feel sorry for myself and analyze everything, including what Recovery is like.

I started to think about getting back into therapy again, and actually telling someone about my Ed from the beginning.

Then there are thoughts like what is the point, you know help is beyond you now.

You don't even know why you do the things you do, how can someone else figure it out for you, you're going to waste someones time with all your problems..etc etc

I always do this, I want help and in that brief moment of clarity I get hopeful.

Once it passe and I feel better I push all those thoughts away.

I don't know why I have no regard for my life or anything, I never thought this would be my life, what life?

I have disordered thinking, lately its been nothing but wishing I was back to my lowest weight, I was happy then, losing weight was effortless, it just kept coming off.

I was a functioning anorexic too, I had a great job, I went out every weekend, I did things, had fun all the time.

I did have bad days too sure, there were days where my body hurt, I was cold all the time, but I wasn't as aware as I am now to how bad this is.

I know now the way I'm living is unhealthy, back then I didn't and I was too distracted to care.

Getting back down to my lowest weight won't help matters, I hate that I've been thinking that, I won't. These are just things that go through my head sometimes..bad things.

I have too much time on my hands which makes this Ed dangerous. It consumes me more and more. I don't see it stopping unless I'm really ready. I keep thinking I can do this all on my own, but maybe I'm not supposed to. I'm just scared to let someone else know me, truly know me; us, Ed and I.

Maybe one day I will.

I was planning on taking a sleeping pill later and calling it a day, wanted to stop b/ping.

Instead I'll tough it out, I'll never learn to slow this down if I just keep looking for shortcuts.

I'm going to try and write, I'll need another shower, I feel so hot still.

I regret the laxatives now, I really do, those things are gonna kill me.

God I wish I could stop all this bullshit.