Eat

So I've not b/p in like 3 days.
Today I had to see my ex and help him fill out and mail his insurance refund claim.
According to him, he'll give me half of his earnings for doing him the favor.
Afterwards we headed to a store I know to shop for my daughter's Cowboy attire for her upcoming school play in May.
I managed to find her a plaid shirt, blue jeans and a pair of boots for a mere 11$.
My ex wanted breakfast next and so we headed to a restaurant we've been going to since we first started dating several years ago.
It's been pouring rain here nonstop and I love it. This weather is ideal for sleeping which I so desperately am in need of.
Inside the restaurant, a dry port in the rainy stormy weather, breakfast was a must.

The ol' ball and chain ordered a breakfast platter which consisted of coffee, fries, eggs, ham, bacon, toast and a piece of roasted pork.
I had two eggs over easy and unlimited coffee refills.
My ex kept insisting we split the meal or I eat more but I told him I was okay and today was not a good day for me Ed wise, I really didn't want to eat.

I weighed this morning and I hate the number.
Oh lordy do I hate it.
Ed screams at me it's time to lose more weight, twenty pounds please, we can do that easy.
Every fiber in my being wants this.
Is it healthy?  No.
Is it ideal? No.
Will it make me happy? Probably not.
Sure I'll feel amazing if I were to lose X amount of desired weight, but then I wouldn't be happy at that weight either and the dirty irrational cycle would start all over again.

So my weight is up and I've been eating and not purging.
My stomach hurts so much and I have heartburn out of this world, the headaches come and so do the aches in my chest.
I haven't been laxing, although my non bowl movements would indicate that I would need to soon.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't want to gain weight, the thing scares me so much I feel like crying just thinking about it.

I'm so tired all the time now, my erratic sleep patterns are finally catching up to me.
I don't sleep until sunrise and then I drag along all day, maybe even having a cat nap here and there.

Every time I eat, the full feeling suffocates me and I start to panic.
I sometimes wonder who am I doing all of this for?

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I get to have a sleepover with my boyfriend.
Whenever he's around, the Ed is muted.
Yeah I don't eat around him yet, but it's mostly because I get sick afterwards.
I don't want to ruin the time we have together with this awful burden of mines.

I was thinking the other day about how lonely I actually am, I have my daughter but on days she's not around I find myself confused and feeling inadequate, what exactly am I supposed to be doing with my time now?

Sometimes I think maybe I hold onto my Ed for the simple feeling of company, of not feeling so alone, does that even make sense?

Today is a bad body image day for me, I don't like what I see at all.
I asked my ex to be honest and tell me if I've gained weight, in which he responded you look better?
Hmm.
What on Earth does that mean?
I take it as a yes.
He's never been subtle with words but still, they seem to be all the wrong ones for me.

I managed to read some today, more of "The Wind Through The KeyHole."
I'm alone in the house and there is a part of the story that is scaring me a bit so I've had to put the book down till daylight, the last thing I need when I do sleep is nightmares.

So that's it going to stay up for a bit and hope to fall asleep later.
Take care all..

L.

Rainy Morning

Better

Frustrated Friday

We need to talk about Kevin..(book review)

So I've finally managed to finish Lionel Shriver's book "We need to talk about Kevin."
I must say that at first this book was contrived and a bit annoying, the main character "Eva" had vocabulary straight out of an SAT exam, sometimes it felt too forced, but as I read on, I came to love her and realize this was part of her charm, her superiority before she had her first child Kevin.

Kevin was a bit much, his youth was harder to swallow, I think his mother expected so much from him from infancy on.
Now that I've read the book from cover to cover I can actually see the bigger picture.
I think as the story goes on I can sympathize with Eva and her son Kevin.
Eva is a hard woman, her past before child was adventurous and she answered to no one not even her husband.
After Kevin was born she reluctantly stepped into the role of motherhood.
Kevin didn't make it any easier, but they did have their moments. I find those little bonds they shared to be realistic and heartfelt even.
I don't hate Kevin.
Yes he is much and he did do a despicable many things, but if you dig closer you can clearly see why.
I smile now as I write this because reading the ending and remembering the beginning of the story you can grasp the Mother/Son dynamic thoroughly.
This book is beautifully written and to the point I believe.
My opinion, Kevin "the bad boy" did in fact love his mother and she loved her son, so much so her story throughout is recollections, after the school massacre she endured a life that was never meant to be hers, she suffered as if she were the killer and was in a prison of her own making.
I think given the circumstances, I could be her, love my own infamous child as she did and does.

I found myself questioning the author and how creative to write such a story, but I can see that it's message is forgiveness and loving your child no matter how monstrous their mistakes.
A very good read indeed.

Afterwards I decided to watch the film adaptation of this book.
A beautiful cast starring Tilda Swinton, John C. Riley (I find him sexy idk why lol) and the beautiful and talented Ezra Miller as "Kevin."

The film is very short and leaves much out as all film adaptations usually do, but the spirit of what I felt for this book is there.
The film was entertaining, but could be misunderstood and out of context in comparison to the book itself.

I would recommend this story to anyone and the film also.
If I wasn't looking forward to reading newest Dark Tower book, I would read this one all over again.

Now for an update.
I ate today, had a banana and orange juice for breakfast, followed by half a banana, dairy and crackers for dinner.
I have not b/p at all today and NO laxatives.
Yes I'm bloated, gassy, have a huge headache and throbbing chest. I don't know if re-feeding is the culprit but I've made my mind up about trying to eat something daily.
My weight is still the same, yo-yo's between 110/114lbs.
That is perfectly fine. I don't look fat, it's all in my head and yes most days I think I look like I weigh more but that's just not true.
I will find a way to work through this, I simply must.

I picked my daughter up from school and we headed to CVS to pick up my overdue meds. I was actually avoiding going there as it is a painful reminder of the job I got and lost in the span of a week.
I sucked it up and went.
My daughter made me sad along the way, she asked why I wasn't working or if I was to get another job anytime soon.
Thinking about how stupidly it all went away made my eyes glossy but I didn't cry in front of her, I reserved that for home in the safety of closed bathroom doors.
Every time I think of how easily I had and lost the job, I feel like a failure.
I know God has not led me astray, there is a valid reason for me not working, I don't know what, but I'm sure in the bigger sense of things it was really important.
I will try again tomorrow applying for work, all the fast food places first and hope someone will take pity on me.

There are now two main reasons for finding work immediately.
Number 1 is that I need a steady income to cover my bills and lifestyle, to provide for my child.
Number 2 is this..
I find myself in a relationship. Yeah you read right, I have a boyfriend.
I can't get into specifics because well I promised to not blog about them ever again but I don't want to keep our relationship a secret.

My ex husband is currently paying for my car insurance, and the car itself that I drive is in his name, the minute he finds out that I'm seeing someone else he will surrender everything to me.
I'm not financially ready yet for that, insurance plus car transfer costs are not affordable right now.
I need to be able to pick up the slack if that happens.

I don't like to lie, lies period.
That's what this feels like, I'm lying to both men in my lives.
My ex husband needs to know I've moved on and my boyfriend needs to not be a secret, I care about him very much and want this relationship of ours to flourish, but it can't if I'm not committing 100% to him.

There's no worse feeling than being kept a secret, I've been there before and it's not pretty..
I'm a stranger to this, it's been awhile since I've allowed myself to feel vulnerable with another man and now with Ed back in the picture things are a bit more messy.
I have no idea how to juggle both.
I can only hope that I don't screw this up or that I won't get hurt.
What can you do except just feel and hope it all works out. I've been through too much already, I know how short life is and it's unpredictable, one day you're here, one day you're not, best to be honest while the person is around, you don't wanna have any "I should have said" in your life.

On the way back from CVS I had a chat about school with my daughter, she informs me that her bully is repeating the 1st grade and is getting suspended for punching another child in the nose. The principal spoke to the bully's parents and his mother says "He is allowed to do whatever he wants."
I swear some people should be sterilized.
I ask my kid if the bully has picked on her today and she points to her shoes that are covered in brown stains, he poured chocolate milk on them.
My daughter told the teacher and he is getting another detention. Tomorrow I will speak to her teacher again. I'm sending my kid to school to learn, not to be demoralized and humiliated on a daily basis. What is this school doing about bulling???

Later on in the day I'm boiling a pot of water for tea, my window is open as the day is nice and my home rather chilly.
The apartment complex next to me faces my kitchen window.
I notice there is a young Hispanic man in his 30's standing at the back door of a neighbor I know.
I watch him and he starts to jimmy her back door and walk away, repeating the act several times, I immediately realize he's trying to break into her apartment.
Something comes over me and suddenly I fear nothing, my kitchen window is open and I yell out to him "Hey get away from there!"
The burglar has no idea where my voice is coming from, he continues now faster to try to break into her back kitchen door, I grab the pot of hot water and fling it outside my window dousing the robber. He jumps back in pain and runs away.
I call the police who show up ten minutes later.
I flag them down outside and my neighbor happens to arrive home with her son from the supermarket.
I inform them of what has happened and she is in shock of what has transpired in her absence.
She is in sheer horror.
The poor woman, has been all night changing the locks to her house.
But anyways I did my my neighborly duty.

I'm feeling a bit down mostly in part due to today's reminder that I'm an unemployed waif and a bit due to the eating disorder.
So I'm going to call it a night, hope you all are well.
I'll vlog tomorrow :)
Nite all, and stay strong.

Oh and thanks to my new Twitter followers!

Mail Tiiiiime!

Right now I do not feel well, but I'm going to try to make a decent post.

The beautiful blogger désespérée de maigrir has sent me another package in the mail today, I was just about to shower when suddenly there was a knock at my door, it's the mailman with not one but two boxes for me.
The first was the box this wonderful fellow blogger has sent me filled with clothes, school supplies and books, I loved everything btw..
The clothes are nice and my size, the school supplies my daughter just adored, she can't wait to paint me a picture tomorrow. The books of course *drools with literary delight* were wonderful, I <3 Julie and Julia, I had read half of that book already, I checked it out from the local library once along with "High on Arrival" by Mackenzie Phiilips-you must read that! so good *mmm bestseller, drools*
I'm looking forward to re-reading it and actually finishing it.
 I can't get enough of the printed word.
I think I would have liked to been a book editor, I can only imagine how amazing it is to get all of these wonderful manuscripts and review them , each one with the capacity to be great and reach readers out there one day.
I loved everything you sent to me sweetie, God bless you.
I know you've been having a hard time lately and I wish you get better, things will turn around soon enough for you, you're selfless and that my beautiful friend never goes unnoticed.
Once again THANK YOU.

The second box is from my British bloke Perry.
I wasn't expecting anything in the post from him, but he never ceases to surprise me.
He sent me a framed print of London (I loved it, and hope to visit one day.) and a book as well,  "The Wind in the Willows" by  Kenneth Grahame. This was his favorite story as a child.
The book is for my daughter, it's an old favorite of mines too. I can't wait to read this to her. If you've never read it before... please do.

Now for surprise #2..oh Perry lol..
He and I have similar taste in music, well hell a lot of things in common, but one night we were discussing artist we fancied, I made the mistake of admitting to liking a song or two from the group Aqua (no judgements!!)
Well what have I now in my possession?

Real cute you Tosser..
Anyways, the packages were very nice, Thank you once again.
Big Kisses from me :)



Now for an update.
Yesterday I b/p 1x after being Ed free since Monday, the result of such a thing left me exhausted and I actually slept through the night after going to bed at say 11-ish?
Today I woke up and weighed.
I'm still maintaining, yes I've gained, I go up and down, but I'm not panicking about this weight. It could be worse but it's not.
I have to keep reminding myself of this.
I felt hungry today so I had an Ensure, fruit and crackers, not a lot by actual Meal standards but it's better than nothing.
I haven't b/p today at all and kept this meager meal down.
I feel sick now, my stomach distended from bloat, my head throbbing and a horrible case of Acid reflux.
My stomach gurgles in protest.
This is why I don't want to eat, to not feel these awful effects. The mere sound emitting from my gut is triggering. I hate it and hate others hearing it.
I can't stand feeling full.

It's late now so I'm confident that b/p anything is out the window.

I was actually thinking about Bulimia and its horrible effects.
My back tooth hurts a lot now, its hyper sensitive to the cold, so much so I brush my teeth with hot water every morning.
My hair has started to fall out by the handfuls now *sighs heavily*
I'm constantly in a state of bloat and wake up with stiff joints and headaches.
The eating disorder is weighing on me these days, I can feel the strain because I get tired more during the day now.
Since I kept food down, I've been rationalizing trying to keep food down once a day if possible. Can I do it?
I'm tired of Bulimia, real tired.

I've been having company these days that my daughter is away, it's nice to not be alone and more importantly to not do behaviors around others.
I don't want to talk about said company much as I've promised to not drag them into this blog, but I just wanted to mention this one thing.
This person wants me to get better and you know something when they're around I actually do.
It's been suggested I attend group meetings for my Ed, they'll even tag along with me.

So far where I live there aren't any, so the places that do hold meetings are a bit far away, this is discouraging I'll admit, but having someone actually there for me if I do go makes all the difference.

I've never openly talked about my Ed before, yes I write this Blog and there are some close to me that know, but to sit in a circle and say Hello I have eating issues and here they are etc etc, nope never.
What can I expect from group?
What can I expect of myself if I go down this road, my fear is failure.

It's getting late and the headache is not helping me concentrate, so I'll go now and wish you all a goodnight.
Thanks once again for my packages!

Special Delivery

I wasn't planning on blogging today actually, but something came in the mail that made me change my mind, I could not, not blog.
So before I say anything, let me say this first,
I feel incredibly blessed, special, undeserving even but I'm all smiles now, I haven't stopped smiling since I got this.

I was already having a wonderful day thanks in most part to someone I love very much who's having a sleepover at this lil eating disordered gal's place. I wish I could say more but not yet. Then came the cherry on top of the sundae (mmm sundae..eh never mind..)

So to the wonderful, amazing, beautiful blogger désespérée de maigrir ,
THANK YOU sooo much for my Book!
I'm so happy, you just have no idea.
I wish I could bottle how I feel right now and share it with you all.

I can't wait to read this.
I'm still reading "We need to talk about Kevin" by Lionel Shriver, I'm almost done, I love this book, please read if you can, it's riveting, especially from a parents perspective, you know I should actually do more book reviews, whatcha ya think??
Turn some of you on to reading lol. I had a half ass attempt once with a Vlog I did on some of my favorites..

So when I'm done with Kevin, I'm reading this bugger immediately. I can't wait.
The Dark Tower series are my favorite books of all time, second would be the Dune saga.
The Dune saga books I lost a long time ago when I was homeless, I wouldn't mind aquiring the whole series again and reading them all, I get the best memories from them.
Back to The Dark Tower, it's a great read and I can't wait to see what Roland and his ka-tet are up too. These characters are beloved to me and I feel like part of their little group, with them on their quest to seek The Dark Tower.
I actually found this series by accident one day.
I was browsing a thrift store and came upon this book titled "The WasteLands" something told me to get it.

At the time I was a 22yr old Lou working as a Secretary at a shipping agency and had a lot of time to kill between clients, I read at my desk in my spare time.

22yr old Lou

I read The WasteLands in 3days, the ending of the book of course was a cliffhanger, I had no idea of the vast Universe that is TDT series..

I'm glad I found it because it drew me in and consumed me.

I'm so happy and blessed that some wonderful person out there has gone above and beyond to get me the continuation of the series, and a day before it actually comes out worldwide no less.

I can't thank you enough, you're a truly wonderful person for getting me this book.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

So now I leave you all and will finish the current read and make way for this new one.

I'm so happy today.

Thank you once again and I'll let you all know how it goes.

Take care everyone and goodnight.

Hugs and Kisses to you all, please be safe.