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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Eat

So I've not b/p in like 3 days.
Today I had to see my ex and help him fill out and mail his insurance refund claim.
According to him, he'll give me half of his earnings for doing him the favor.
Afterwards we headed to a store I know to shop for my daughter's Cowboy attire for her upcoming school play in May.
I managed to find her a plaid shirt, blue jeans and a pair of boots for a mere 11$.
My ex wanted breakfast next and so we headed to a restaurant we've been going to since we first started dating several years ago.
It's been pouring rain here nonstop and I love it. This weather is ideal for sleeping which I so desperately am in need of.
Inside the restaurant, a dry port in the rainy stormy weather, breakfast was a must.

The ol' ball and chain ordered a breakfast platter which consisted of coffee, fries, eggs, ham, bacon, toast and a piece of roasted pork.
I had two eggs over easy and unlimited coffee refills.
My ex kept insisting we split the meal or I eat more but I told him I was okay and today was not a good day for me Ed wise, I really didn't want to eat.

I weighed this morning and I hate the number.
Oh lordy do I hate it.
Ed screams at me it's time to lose more weight, twenty pounds please, we can do that easy.
Every fiber in my being wants this.
Is it healthy?  No.
Is it ideal? No.
Will it make me happy? Probably not.
Sure I'll feel amazing if I were to lose X amount of desired weight, but then I wouldn't be happy at that weight either and the dirty irrational cycle would start all over again.

So my weight is up and I've been eating and not purging.
My stomach hurts so much and I have heartburn out of this world, the headaches come and so do the aches in my chest.
I haven't been laxing, although my non bowl movements would indicate that I would need to soon.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't want to gain weight, the thing scares me so much I feel like crying just thinking about it.

I'm so tired all the time now, my erratic sleep patterns are finally catching up to me.
I don't sleep until sunrise and then I drag along all day, maybe even having a cat nap here and there.

Every time I eat, the full feeling suffocates me and I start to panic.
I sometimes wonder who am I doing all of this for?

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I get to have a sleepover with my boyfriend.
Whenever he's around, the Ed is muted.
Yeah I don't eat around him yet, but it's mostly because I get sick afterwards.
I don't want to ruin the time we have together with this awful burden of mines.

I was thinking the other day about how lonely I actually am, I have my daughter but on days she's not around I find myself confused and feeling inadequate, what exactly am I supposed to be doing with my time now?

Sometimes I think maybe I hold onto my Ed for the simple feeling of company, of not feeling so alone, does that even make sense?

Today is a bad body image day for me, I don't like what I see at all.
I asked my ex to be honest and tell me if I've gained weight, in which he responded you look better?
Hmm.
What on Earth does that mean?
I take it as a yes.
He's never been subtle with words but still, they seem to be all the wrong ones for me.

I managed to read some today, more of "The Wind Through The KeyHole."
I'm alone in the house and there is a part of the story that is scaring me a bit so I've had to put the book down till daylight, the last thing I need when I do sleep is nightmares.

So that's it going to stay up for a bit and hope to fall asleep later.
Take care all..

L.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I've your blog since post one but have never commented before, I've been too scared to I guess?

Lou, I adore you.
I think you're a very brave and beautiful woman.
I know one day you will find happiness within yourself and finally give ED the heave ho.
In the meantime please remember that you are not alone. You have plently of ppl that love you and find comfort in your words, I do.
Please be safe and never give up.
Have a great day with the new boyfriend, I hope it's filled with laughs and smiles.
Take care.

josie said...

When I'm with my boyfriend, I just don't feel the need to fill the void with food or cover it up with emptiness. He makes me happy, full emotionally but in a good, healthy way. It's like everything becomes secondary, less important. None of my problems quite matter because I'm with him, and it's all going to be okay. Or at least, that's how it seems.
I get lonely when I'm by myself too, achingly so. And out comes the food, and when I'm not lonely anymore, up it comes. Gah.
I have trouble reading creepy books at night too. I'll be afraid to go upstairs (dark! who knows what's out there?!) or even leave my bed. I usually end up finishing those types of books before I sleep just so I don't have nightmares.
I hope you feel better soon, my digestion is shit. 80 calorie Fiber One is good (or the original, though I find it kind of gritty), and of course lots of water, but you know that.
I adore you too, Lou, just like the anon. You are so strong to struggle with an ED and still raise your daughter so well. Keep on pulling dear<3

ruby tuesday said...

hey lou,

Well done on not b/p for three days!!

I know the nightmare that is b/p. I l have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom.

I totally identify with what you wrote about keeping your eating disorder for company. I've pushed everyone in my life away and my world has shrunk to just me and my ed. It's a lonely place to be. But know that your blog helps me and I'm sure others get through the day. You are truly an inspiration.

Enjoy your time with your boyfriend. You deserve to be happy and I've no doubt that you will be.

Much love,

Ruby Tuesdayxxx