Friday, April 27, 2012

We need to talk about Kevin..(book review)

So I've finally managed to finish Lionel Shriver's book "We need to talk about Kevin."
I must say that at first this book was contrived and a bit annoying, the main character "Eva" had vocabulary straight out of an SAT exam, sometimes it felt too forced, but as I read on, I came to love her and realize this was part of her charm, her superiority before she had her first child Kevin.

Kevin was a bit much, his youth was harder to swallow, I think his mother expected so much from him from infancy on.
Now that I've read the book from cover to cover I can actually see the bigger picture.
I think as the story goes on I can sympathize with Eva and her son Kevin.
Eva is a hard woman, her past before child was adventurous and she answered to no one not even her husband.
After Kevin was born she reluctantly stepped into the role of motherhood.
Kevin didn't make it any easier, but they did have their moments. I find those little bonds they shared to be realistic and heartfelt even.
I don't hate Kevin.
Yes he is much and he did do a despicable many things, but if you dig closer you can clearly see why.
I smile now as I write this because reading the ending and remembering the beginning of the story you can grasp the Mother/Son dynamic thoroughly.
This book is beautifully written and to the point I believe.
My opinion, Kevin "the bad boy" did in fact love his mother and she loved her son, so much so her story throughout is recollections, after the school massacre she endured a life that was never meant to be hers, she suffered as if she were the killer and was in a prison of her own making.
I think given the circumstances, I could be her, love my own infamous child as she did and does.

I found myself questioning the author and how creative to write such a story, but I can see that it's message is forgiveness and loving your child no matter how monstrous their mistakes.
A very good read indeed.

Afterwards I decided to watch the film adaptation of this book.
A beautiful cast starring Tilda Swinton, John C. Riley (I find him sexy idk why lol) and the beautiful and talented Ezra Miller as "Kevin."

The film is very short and leaves much out as all film adaptations usually do, but the spirit of what I felt for this book is there.
The film was entertaining, but could be misunderstood and out of context in comparison to the book itself.

I would recommend this story to anyone and the film also.
If I wasn't looking forward to reading newest Dark Tower book, I would read this one all over again.

Now for an update.
I ate today, had a banana and orange juice for breakfast, followed by half a banana, dairy and crackers for dinner.
I have not b/p at all today and NO laxatives.
Yes I'm bloated, gassy, have a huge headache and throbbing chest. I don't know if re-feeding is the culprit but I've made my mind up about trying to eat something daily.
My weight is still the same, yo-yo's between 110/114lbs.
That is perfectly fine. I don't look fat, it's all in my head and yes most days I think I look like I weigh more but that's just not true.
I will find a way to work through this, I simply must.

I picked my daughter up from school and we headed to CVS to pick up my overdue meds. I was actually avoiding going there as it is a painful reminder of the job I got and lost in the span of a week.
I sucked it up and went.
My daughter made me sad along the way, she asked why I wasn't working or if I was to get another job anytime soon.
Thinking about how stupidly it all went away made my eyes glossy but I didn't cry in front of her, I reserved that for home in the safety of closed bathroom doors.
Every time I think of how easily I had and lost the job, I feel like a failure.
I know God has not led me astray, there is a valid reason for me not working, I don't know what, but I'm sure in the bigger sense of things it was really important.
I will try again tomorrow applying for work, all the fast food places first and hope someone will take pity on me.

There are now two main reasons for finding work immediately.
Number 1 is that I need a steady income to cover my bills and lifestyle, to provide for my child.
Number 2 is this..
I find myself in a relationship. Yeah you read right, I have a boyfriend.
I can't get into specifics because well I promised to not blog about them ever again but I don't want to keep our relationship a secret.

My ex husband is currently paying for my car insurance, and the car itself that I drive is in his name, the minute he finds out that I'm seeing someone else he will surrender everything to me.
I'm not financially ready yet for that, insurance plus car transfer costs are not affordable right now.
I need to be able to pick up the slack if that happens.

I don't like to lie, lies period.
That's what this feels like, I'm lying to both men in my lives.
My ex husband needs to know I've moved on and my boyfriend needs to not be a secret, I care about him very much and want this relationship of ours to flourish, but it can't if I'm not committing 100% to him.

There's no worse feeling than being kept a secret, I've been there before and it's not pretty..
I'm a stranger to this, it's been awhile since I've allowed myself to feel vulnerable with another man and now with Ed back in the picture things are a bit more messy.
I have no idea how to juggle both.
I can only hope that I don't screw this up or that I won't get hurt.
What can you do except just feel and hope it all works out. I've been through too much already, I know how short life is and it's unpredictable, one day you're here, one day you're not, best to be honest while the person is around, you don't wanna have any "I should have said" in your life.

On the way back from CVS I had a chat about school with my daughter, she informs me that her bully is repeating the 1st grade and is getting suspended for punching another child in the nose. The principal spoke to the bully's parents and his mother says "He is allowed to do whatever he wants."
I swear some people should be sterilized.
I ask my kid if the bully has picked on her today and she points to her shoes that are covered in brown stains, he poured chocolate milk on them.
My daughter told the teacher and he is getting another detention. Tomorrow I will speak to her teacher again. I'm sending my kid to school to learn, not to be demoralized and humiliated on a daily basis. What is this school doing about bulling???

Later on in the day I'm boiling a pot of water for tea, my window is open as the day is nice and my home rather chilly.
The apartment complex next to me faces my kitchen window.
I notice there is a young Hispanic man in his 30's standing at the back door of a neighbor I know.
I watch him and he starts to jimmy her back door and walk away, repeating the act several times, I immediately realize he's trying to break into her apartment.
Something comes over me and suddenly I fear nothing, my kitchen window is open and I yell out to him "Hey get away from there!"
The burglar has no idea where my voice is coming from, he continues now faster to try to break into her back kitchen door, I grab the pot of hot water and fling it outside my window dousing the robber. He jumps back in pain and runs away.
I call the police who show up ten minutes later.
I flag them down outside and my neighbor happens to arrive home with her son from the supermarket.
I inform them of what has happened and she is in shock of what has transpired in her absence.
She is in sheer horror.
The poor woman, has been all night changing the locks to her house.
But anyways I did my my neighborly duty.

I'm feeling a bit down mostly in part due to today's reminder that I'm an unemployed waif and a bit due to the eating disorder.
So I'm going to call it a night, hope you all are well.
I'll vlog tomorrow :)
Nite all, and stay strong.

Oh and thanks to my new Twitter followers!