Year of the Dragon

It's Monday again and that just means another week where Lou does the same shit.
I had to work yesterday, it was okay, I even started on processing 2 totes of expired medication. The first step is pulling all those meds off the shelves, step two COUNT them (you ever count 365 tablets only to be interrupted and lose count...KILL ME) after the counting I have to tape boxes and process the expires through our gun, symbol gun actually, they know better than to let us have readily accessible weapons in the pharmacy. This is a very tedious process and time consuming. It's been hard lately to find time to do my job at work, yeah you've heard that one before huh, if not let me elaborate.
I am for all intents and purposes Dragon's main and only technician who knows what the heck they are doing. We have 2 new hires plus another tech from the front store.
New hire number 1 is a very nice young lady who drives a mini cooper and is Daddy's little girl.
Mini is a nice person but boy does she talk and ask so many questions. I know what you're thinking but what's wrong with her asking questions? Well if it were a simple answer to give, that wouldn't be acceptable for Mini, see Mini needs to know the WHY of something. She's like a child that asks Why is the sky blue? For what purpose is it blue and not red, or why is it called "sky" and not "yks"  See that shit gets annoying after about 10 minutes, I have no time to answer questions because I have actual work to do. I only talk if necessary and something only if spoken to.
New hire number 2 is a sweet short guy who doesn't know anything about anything but has possibility. Shorty pays very close attention when you explain something, he only asks for help if he's reached the point where he can't do it by himself.  I think Shorty will stick around awhile if Office Politics doesn't change that. When Corporate decides to move everyone from one store to another you comply. See sometimes you can't be too good at your job. Corporate will up and decide one day "Hey let's send that tech to a challenged store and see if her expertise can turn that place around."
Fuck that, when you hear "Challenged Store" kiss your sanity goodbye, it's time to drink on the job. A challenged anything is bad news, as a matter of fact, a challenging anything sounds awful. I don't want to be challenged I want to pass.

So today I get to work and Dragon asks "Did you guys do the expires already?"
I actually had to turn my head and make sure she was talking to me because there is no "guys" none of these knuckleheads are going to do that task, she knows damn well I'm the only one who knows how to do it besides her of course.
I told her that I had started on Sunday but was unable to finish on account of you know me having to leave this wretched place and go back home to my loved one and pets.
Instead of saying Great Job Lou, thanks for taking the initiative to get started on that task without being asked!
She says "You need to finish that today because I need UPS to pick it up tomorrow" she then proceeds to turn her gaze away from me and make faces at the computer screen.
Well ain't that a bitch. I wish I could just really go off on her because that's what she needs.
I was running late this morning so all I had for breakfast was a banana and a Muscle Milk. My tooth has been hurting lately and as I was brushing my teeth last night I spat out a small piece of blue string, this is one of my stitches.
Mini is here early too so she's mostly in my way, she tries to help me but sometimes it backfires and it turns out to be a giant delayed mess.
The morning is a bit busy but I've hardly had to be at the register or even answer phones. The theme of the day was count pills.
The theme of the day was also Dragon's nagging at everything. I don't know if her period is on or maybe her beau wasn't putting out but I wanted to murder this bitch today. She was vintage Dragon getting on everyone's nerves.
Now Mini talks a lot, she can't help that I suppose just like some of us can't help having brown hair or really hairy arms, she loves to Gab.
Gabbing is all fine if you work at a beauty parlor but in my Pharmacy too much talking will get you yelled at.
Mini tries to be really helpful, she wants to save everyone and everyone has to get their way. I picture her saving birds fallen from nests, or puppies from the shelter, even reading to the elderly in hospice.

It's that helping that doesn't help if you have no idea what you're talking about. It's like you asking me for directions and I say "Why yes, take a turn at that big building by that one place you know near that place you mentioned? If you've passed a tree you've gone too far."

Dragon hates people, no seriously she was explaining to Shorty why she insists on sitting way over the other side of the counter in the corner at drop off.
"I don't like talking to people, I rather not deal with them, that's why I sit over here."
It's true, she sits her ass right there and hardly interacts with patients.
Her predecessor used to sit opposite her, she'd be where I am by the register, I'm the first to greet you when you come by. Her predecessor was everyone's favorite because she was an actual real life Human being that had blood pumping through her veins, not green goo or whatever Dragon is made of, could be ice *shrugs*
Now at the Pharmacy we have two giant signs, I mean massive people.

PICK UP

DROP-OFF

There shouldn't be confusion on where to go, hard to believe as that is, people sometimes are annoying, er I mean get the lines mixed up, so they come to pick up with a prescription and expect you to hold up the line of people behind you that can read.
Dragon has a strict policy, "If they are not picking up a prescription then send them to me. Send them for refills, questions, typing new Rx's all of that."

Mini sends EVERYONE.

 At some point in the day Dragon pinches the bridge of her nose and tells me quietly "Please help her I don't know why she's sending everyone over here?"
Umm cause you said so?
I help her of course and then another tech comes in, this time it's our Front store Crossover (that's just fancy jargon for he used to work in the front now he wants to work in the pharmacy).
Crossover is a very happy person, like super Gay lol, he can be annoying at times, my face hurts from pretend laughing and smiling at all his jokes, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Despite the humor I sometimes don't get, he's a nice man who does his job to the best of his ability.

Well Cross is more knowledgeable than Mini but not too much. By the time Cross arrives I've started counting hundreds of expired pills and numbering the bottles. My highest count today was 490 tablets, that's 10 short in a bottle that normally brings 500.
At some point I guess it got "busy" and Dragon yells at me to go open another register and help Cross out while Mini runs around frantic at production. I took exactly 2 people at the register, two. What was the point of that? I swear this Dragon exaggerates everything, sometimes Cross jokes when the phones start ringing with their "One, Two, Three Pharmacy Calls" and the QT has like 5 things to type (all very normal things that have to happen because that's our job) "Uh oh we're going down, I repeat we're going down people."
I go back to my chair and keep processing the expires when suddenly Shorty is scheduled too?
I just saw him Sunday, which was stupid because Sundays are dead, really 3 techs today?
Cross says "Ok Dragon" as he stares at a confused Shorty  "What are all of us going to do because there's too many cooks in the kitchen honey."
She sends him to Drop-Off.
 Dragon suddenly appears and asks as I'm mid scan "How much more do you have to do because I need the Gun."
Bitch! #%^!!!

Someone come get this lady before I lose my job.
Now, not only must this get done today, I also have about another five minutes to hurry up.
I finally manage to finish, I print out 3 reports for 3 boxes worth of medicine I just processed, I give her the Gun (I wish..) and head to the bathroom, after about 5 hours at work I can use the bathroom.
As I'm getting ready to sit down Dragon calls me on the Intercom "Lou can you bring another battery."
The gun's battery must be wiped, I can't even get paid to piss in peace (say that 3 times fast).
I head to Manager's office and greet my favorite of the bunch, she's such a nice person and even teaches Zumba, she has another job, 3 in total but I forget third? I was invited to some showcase she's having sometime this month, I'd like to go but you actually have to pay 25$ at the door.
I haven't told her yet I can't go.
 Anyways, I knock on the office door and she hands me the battery having overhead the Beast's command on the loudspeaker. I also retrieve my printouts. I seal all three of my full boxes with tape and sit them neatly in a row all ready to go for UPS.
All is well, I have pleased my master.

There's too many of us so I run out stuff to do. I leave Shorty, Cross and Mini to care for the pharmacy while I label the rest of the expires for the upcoming month. The 3 stooges were asking silly questions to basic things that we first learn, Dragon rolled her eyes and was genuinely appalled that these words were coming out of their mouths. Even on the phone they somehow manage to get themselves into entanglements
She couldn't fathom us humans making mistakes or forgetting things when we're nervous or confused. Rather than dealing with them, she sends me to help them of course. So now I gotta stop what I'm doing to help them, not only help but answer any questions they have, they have to learn same way as I did.

Even though all this is going on, the one thing we all do is talk and make jokes, we joke about patients, current events, our likes etc. When Dragon is menstruating, too much laughter makes her mad so she'll randomly yell "Can someone please answer the phone? Hello there's 3 in the QT!  (medical jargon for the computer screen we type E-RX's from)"

She even told poor Shorty today "That's great that you're doing Production (count pills *wink) but I also need you to drop whatever you're doing and get whatever comes in the QT first." He looked puzzled, this was his first tongue lashing mind you, we've all had our licks before.
I'm pushing 40 hours a week now so I'm going into overtime which is bad for management, not bad for me, shit pay me.
I have to leave 30 minutes early everyday. At exactly 4:15pm Eastern time, Dragon looks over my printout and finds 2 medications with a ten or so higher pill count than the stock bottle brings. So if a bottle brings 100 tablets, I should be entering nothing higher than that amount.
Two different bottles had a bit more. She points it out to me and tells me to find the 2 bottles, find them among the 3 filled to the brim boxes I just sealed. Three boxes.


It's almost time for me to go home and this is the nonsense I have to do?
I was so mad, she just told me to go home earlier, now I'll get in trouble for this too.
I find the fucking bottles and she scolds me on something that I had no idea was such a big deal. She then tells me that I have to tell the manager to cancel this Key Rec (document used to record the receipt of goods) and I have to take all of the pills out of the three boxes and do this over again.
Wow.
I finally manage to punch out and go at almost 5pm.
I complete my long hot drive home by stopping at a Tire Shop. My front tire is very shoddy.
It's late and I'm not too familiar with how long these places are open till but I decided to visit the old Tire Shop where my older brother used to work. It was sad being there, my brother is in prison and will be there for a long time. He'll have a much different life when he comes out.

I got a tire for 40 dollars, well 45 in total including tip. What a noticeable difference.

Tomorrow is another long day, another day with the beast with 2 backs. I have to find some time during my shift to Process all of the expires again. I already want to go home.
I had a tuna sandwich when I got home, didn't have too much of an appetite. My head hurts a lot.

I'm going to bed now, need to be ready, have to rest for my quest.

.

Same

I decided not to send my kid to school today.
She's done with tests this week and will even have a substitute teacher and no real curriculum, surely she can miss a day. Her dad pulls this stunt all the time, there even came a point not too long ago where she missed practically every Monday!

My internal clock of course started going off at 5am. I'm used to getting up at 6am everyday for work so sleeping in is a foreign concept for me.
I woke up with the best intentions to work on my novel today but instead found myself napping until noon.
The truth is I've written myself into a corner. I keep reading the chapter from the beginning and it's of no help. I actually hate everything. That's the problem isn't it?
If I can't find anything redeeming about the chapter then how can I possibly continue forward.
I found an outline I came up with a few months back and that didn't help matters either. I had high hopes for this opus of mines.
You have no idea how frustrated I am, how disappointed I am with myself.

That's just my Novel life that's gone awry, my real life is in shambles too.
Novel life? Real life? Confused are you?
As the lovely Anais Nin once put it "We write to taste life twice."
I have lots of voices in my head, and none of them know what the fuck they're talking about. I'm surrounded by idiots.

In my real life I'm exhausted from my meaningless job. Counting pills and answering the same questions from the same people day in and out is slowly driving me insane.
Getting up at 6am every morning is tiring. The long hot hour drive in my car during the crowded morning commute is dreadful.
You never realized your distaste for other human beings until you're late for work.
In all fairness I've been driving  slow these days keeping it under 50mph, one of my tires is bad so steering wheel shakes on misshapen tire rotation. Hauling ass just doesn't feel the same.

Once I arrive at work and say hello to the same coworkers at the same time with their same sleepy lifeless expressions is just the prelude to the day. I get asked by front store cashier A. or B. or any other 4 interchangeable people, "What time are here today till?"
I get asked this ALL the time. Now come on lady or man depending on what day it is, You see me here all the time at the same time as you, does this not answer your question??
I slowly and sadly walk all the way to the back of the store towards the  Pharmacy where my awkward doom awaits me.
The Dragon.
The Dragon and I are at a bit of a tiff.
See I'm still pissed at her for writing me up for not going to work that one Sunday, although I did call her and tell her that. Suddenly it's my fault that she can't find coverage. Back in my day when I was once a store manager, if one of my employees didn't show up for a shift,then that meant I would have to drag my ass out of bed and catch the train to work. Nowadays you get written up and your manager bitches and complains but doesn't cover a shift on their day off.
So there's an awkwardness that's been lingering in the pharmacy ever since then. She felt awkward having to bring up my attendance performance, and I just hate her guts for being a twenty something, spoiled little mama's girl and annoying twit.
We hardly have conversations anymore or look at each other.
On Monday I didn't hate her guts as much and so work was busy but bearable.
Tuesday was the same, plus we had other people as buffers. BUFFERS are great because we can talk to each other without having to really talk.  We use the buffers as a common thing to listen to instead of each other.

 

On Wednesday it was decent. I got to work with my new coworker who's replacing someone whose moving to Minnesota.
My new coworker is nice, so far, I mean he's still new, give it time and bitterness and he can develop into an asshole. I think working in the pharmacy just ruins you. Dealing with overly or under medicated people is the bane of my existence.
I've never known even that there are degrees of hate within oneself. You can hate customers on so many levels, it's like Dante's inferno of your soul. There are the people who piss you off, there are those who annoy you, the ones that offend you, and the ones you wish you could physically assault, the dumb ones, the snobs.
I could go on and on about this all night but I'm too sober for that shit.
So back to what I was saying about the new guy...

 He's a bit overwhelmed at all the multitasking you have to do. I mean, I answer the phone, answer the idiot in front of me who's asking which aisle the yogurt is in, type electronic prescriptions and count 60 pills all in the span of three minutes.
Anytime I help him out with something he pats my back as if I've just saved him from certain doom, or hey saving him from an actual real life Dragon we currently have in the pharmacy.
I think he'll be okay.
I was scrolling through emails when I opened one that was very recent and from Dragon of all people.
We have a site at work where you can award points to coworkers for deeds and such, you then use said points to buy overly priced junk. I'm personally saving for a Vacuum cleaner or fancy blender.
Well she awarded me points for being accountable ( a joke considering she wrote me up for the exact opposite) and for labeling the whole pharmacy which was way outdated.

 

I thought that was decent of her, maybe one day soon I could forgive her, learn from this and move on.

I haven't been doing so good with eating. Been living of coffee and water this week with an occasional banana. I finally had some soup and even a bit of pasta today. My stomach feels wonky. I regret any meal or food I keep down. The feeling to purge is still very real, moving around or accidentally bending down can make food come back up all on its own.

My tooth has been hurting more and more, I think I have another week or so before I have to go back in for a checkup. I'm dreading going because well that means I have to pay more on the $1,500.00 balance. I'm trying to stretch this out as much as I can, as long as I can.

I managed to workout once this week. Wasn't for very long but its better than being a potato.

I'm stuck in a rut. I wish I wasn't so pressed for time. Tomorrow is my last day off, I have to run errands, I just want to nap.
I wish there were two or three of me to help out. I'm pooped, Jesus take the bloody wheel.
My Novel life stinks.
I should be writing but my brain is fried after work. Coherent thoughts are a thing of yesteryear.
I don't know how to fix this chapter, do I just stick to the outline? I like outline but that may actually just end up asking more questions than it answers thus prolonging novel and adding more chapters. I want to be done with this book already, I'm so close, why can't I just finish?

 

 

I should workout more but I don't see the point. I should go out more but people.
So you see it's much of the same for me everyday.
Nothing exciting happening to me anytime soon. Nothing to see here folks, move along.

Now I will pop a Motrin, a Xanax and take my ass to sleep. I'm drained and dull. Those are D's I've never too much cared for.

Thinking out loud

Well Lu here you are again.
You're getting drunk and sleeping on the couch.
Congratulations, you're officially a loser.
History repeats itself.

Open Wide

The Dentist.

I found out the hard way what are the many drawbacks of a life with an eating disorder.

I cracked a tooth about a year ago, it's on the upper right, second to last molar. It is just a crack, the rest of the molar is still intact.

 Life with a cracked molar became bearable. I knew all the safe foods and never to chew on that side unless absolutely necessary. At some point the sharp pains started more frequently. Then they wouldn't stop.

 I didn't have health insurance at the time so I didn't take care of the problem. Most days I could get by just fine, then there were others where it was very evident that this will bite us in the ass one day.

Until recently I've been having horrible tooth aches, like I said, I could manage and avoid if I wasn't eating which is all I do or rather don't do these days, then the tooth ache isn't even a problem.

One weekend was absolutely dreadful, so much so I called out of work on Sunday. The Russian pharmacist was working that day, she advised that I also call Dragon and let her know. They both were none too happy but there was no way I was going to do 6 hours at the pharmacy with a throbbing tooth and wicked headache.

I tried to find coverage but my coworker was out of town. Sundays are usually slow so there really isn't a need for a technician there.

The bigger issue wasn't work, it was the horrible tooth ache. 

Being that it was Sunday, there weren't many Dentist offices open. I had a really hard time trying to find one. I've lost two teeth already, I didn't want to lose another. I could have gone to the local hospital's ER but they'd just pull the tooth out and send send me on my way. 

Thanks to Obama I'm forced to have Health Insurance wether I can afford the thing or not. I have Dental and even Vision in addition to that good ol regular insurance with a high deductible that will take you years to pay off.

My wages get garnished biweekly anyways, I might as well use it.

I was scheduled for work Monday at noon, Dragon told me to come in at 1pm because  I told  her I would be seeing a dentist first thing in the morning.

All seemed like it was going to be a quick resolve, all that was missing was choosing a dentist nearby.

In the morning I found a Dentist near me, I didn't have an appointment so I had to wait a bit, after 20 minutes or so I was finally called by the receptionist only to be told that they didn't take my insurance.

I'm wasting daylight, how can I find a dentist, fix my tooth and return in time to work an 8 hour shift?

The answer is you can't.

I managed to find a dentist in my Network of doctors, it was near my house. 

As I started to drive to more fancier zip codes it occurred to me that this was a Dentist, no I mean like a real expensive proper sort of Dentist, not only that but I'm terrified. I haven't been good to my teeth and years of Bulimia's wrath will show. 

Once again I have no appointment so I have to sit.

"Are you in much pain?" the young receptionist asks with dare I say sincerity in her eyes? 

Hmm, yes she is at that honeymoon phase of your life when you still like your job and strive to be helpful and do your best. Poor thing. 

I nod my head and she begins to enter my information in the computer.

I'm in luck, someone has cancelled their appointment.

I'm introduced to McMolar DDS.

His first question to me is "When's the last time you saw a dentist?"

I can vaguely recall when I had my wisdom tooth removed but it wasn't more than a few years? 

McMolar is none too pleased with my teefus. Him mad. 

I get a lecture, something about something, I don't know, he's going on and on about my teeth, good lord. I'm here for a tooth not the rest of the lot.

Meanwhile I'm taking a look around the tiny torture chamber, I see McMolar has a tray with shiny pointy miniature hooks and sickles. There are suction tubes to steal your fluids and a spotlight overhead for Interrogation I can only assume.

 My God there's even propaganda on the walls! A little family unit with bright white smiles. The little boy clinging to his Father's back disturbs me, his father's hand grabs his with much might, almost looks like the kid's being dragged to the Dentist and getting Invisalign wether he likes it or not.

I'm with you kid, get me outta here.

Finally McMolar breaks the news to me after my Xrays. Looks like I need a Root Canal.

Root Canals are painful, it hurts your mouth and your bank account. 

I wanted to save the tooth so this had to happen. I had a bad tooth infection to boot which most likely was the catalyst to all of this.

McMolar injected my gums with his rather long syringe. I was numb. He tried his best to save my tooth but it was too late. He had to pull my tooth out. He gave me an estimate on what it would cost to pull tooth, replace with a bridge and crown.

Two thousand dollars. I would have to deplete about 75% of my savings for this. I was crushed. I really thought this would be the year where I could let my savings grow, where I could make future plans or had a bailout in case of an emergency, instead right back out it goes, pfft and we're only in April for crying out loud.

McMolar struggled and struggled before finally yanking the large tooth out. Blood and Pus poured out of the opening. His assistant shakes her head in disbelief that someone could be walking around in this state for so long.
 

Next came more novacane because I was starting to feel things.

His assistant worked on the bridge and making me temporary crowns to stay in until my extraction site heals.

McMolar stitched me up. My gum tissue was very infected and so he had to stitch higher above the site and sew into the healthy tissue.

I was left in her care while he attended to another patient. The woman kept cracking the temporary crowns and bridge. When she finally managed to cement it in place I thought that would be the end of this. 

McMolar came over to inspect her handy work and disapproved. Apparently on one of her botched attempts to seal it on my teeth she managed to pull all of the stitches out.

This meant more novacane and more stitches.

It was awful, I regretted and still do my decision to see a Dentist.

Meanwhile in another part of town Dragon was waiting for me to show up to work. She kept texting and calling me. I'm upside down in a chair of horrors, lady do you think I'll be out of here anytime soon?

By the time they were done it was so late. My mouth throbbed endlessly, I could hardly form cohesive sentences without drooling. Nonetheless I drove to work and got there at almost 8pm (we close at 9). 

I came rushing to work thinking there was a line to the door of patients, phones ringing "You have one pharmacy call, two pharmacy calls." Instead she had a floater and things were under control?

What was the sudden urge to have me there?

Can you believe this Dragon? I was useless of course, everything hurt and talking was not working either. I stayed till closing and left at 9pm on the dot not bothering to say anything to her or walk with her to the dark parking lot.

I was in so much pain, the Vicodin prescribed did nothing but keep me up.

The next day my face was swollen, I looked like a hamster hoarding food in its cheeks.

 

When I got to work at 8am, Dragon had a chat with me about my attendance. I missed Sunday and so she wrote me up, it will be in my employee file always. I was and still am mad. I had a Dr.s note for Monday so she couldn't say a thing to me about that, its not as if I'm lying, the sheer sight of me was enough confirmation.

The rest of the week was very awkward working with her and the russian too. 

The russian because she's a little snitch. She should be the one talking to me about Sunday.

So now there's a weird rift between us which reminds me of our earlier days in the pharmacy.

I saw McMolar again for a checkup on Thursday. He scheduled a periodontal cleaning for the following week. He took further Xrays of my teeth and then sat down to break my heart.

He told me that my bottom teeth were going to fall out soon, there was hardly any bone. My teeth resembled eroded rock formations found in the Grand Canyon.

I needed more root canals, bridges and crowns or dentures even.

I've destroyed my smile, not that it was nice or anything to begin with, but I need them  for chewing and stuff.

I couldn't hold back my shock at just how damaged they were, I started to cry.

Another rather sweet assistant came over to see what was the matter.

To fix all of this damage would require another 2 grand.

I cried and told him that i just didn't have the money right now, I just wanted to finish our current treatment plan.

He implored on the time frame and importance of saving what healthy teeth I did have.

The more he spoke the harder I felt like crying. I was so embarrassed crying in front of strangers.

In one of my xrays there is some sort of mass in my lower gums. He speculates that it could be an abscess or it could be a mass, either one McMolar refers me to an Oral Surgeon to take a biopsy of the area.

I ended up talking to his assistant more towards the end, she seemed to understand that I couldn't afford this but suggested to take it one at a time.

So I had another appointment Friday to which I cancelled so I may sleep in.

All was fine until I decided to forgo my all liquid diet and try to eat a bagel.

My temporary crown fell off so I had to go back to the dentist.

They saw me and I had my periodontal cleaning on the upper and lower quadrant of my right side.

That was painful too, this hygienist was like Dr. Giggles, she managed to get blood outta me folks. Her little sickle did a number on me.
 

So now, another cleaning next week and hopefully more healing. As for work, well she's a Dragon and I'm a knight. We will always be at ends with each other.

Is it Moldy in here or is it just me?

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep.
I could hear the entire neighborhood as it awoke.
There was the occasional car near my building starting up, a garbage truck, school busses zipping by and of course as it neared 6am, I hear the strange woman and her kids who sit outside on my stoop every morning. This stranger and her kids just plop themselves on the steps outside and wait on a school bus., afterwards she leaves. I wish she would say good morning or hello or even nod her head and acknowledge me as I walk out and head to work every morning. She doesn't and I just find the whole thing odd, I mean she's like less than five feet away from my apartment door.
Well you would think that I would arrive on time to work today seeing as how I hardly slept but no. I got to work late again.
I've been arriving to work late this week and all of last. No one says anything to me and that's a relief.
Today is the loooooooong day aka Wednesday. I fucking detest Wednesday like you couldn't imagine.
Once upon a time when I was a manager at a KFC, I would have to open the store every morning, and in such I would sit on the bed and cry, or cry in the shower. I hated my job so much.
Well years later and we have weeping Wednesday.
It wouldn't be so bad if there were other people working too, but it's just Dragon and I for 13 hours straight.
As a matter of fact both of our registers have been taking turns breaking down, it's all on account of this whole new "Chip Reader" bullshit that was created. What a stupid waste of time. I don't know if all of you have that where yall's stay at but in Florida we do. It takes about 3 minutes for each transaction. It is super long, and that's not counting the extra time added by my stupid patients who can't follow directions.
Once you insert your Debit/Credit card "chip" first into the machine it tells you in Caps lock "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE."
Of course they take the card out which just freezes the register and well we could be here all day.
Most of the time I have to push the card in all the way because this new monetary system is designed by dumbasses.
Oh my God don't even get me started on how awkward it is to tell people to "put it in down there, stick it in, push it in a little further."
I feel like a porn star at work. I have my regulars and I know who I can joke around with, especially my male patients, so on more than one occasion when the card reader isn't registering I say "Here let me just put that in there, or honey it's not the first time I have to show a man where it goes."
My patients love me.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea and if not fuck you, I taste great!
Anyways, back to whatever the heck I was trying to say here, oh yea, the registers keep breaking down.
One of the highlights of my day today was (and this is sad) when the repair Men came by and actually fixed one of the ancient registers. The other one is hopeless for now, they will try again tomorrow with that hunk of junk.
To have other people to converse with that's not Dragon is divine, that's probably why I give such excellent customer service, chatting with my patients is the norm. Majority of the time I converse with them so much and already know most of them by name and even their birthdays.

You have no idea how efficient she and I are working together, she is my work husband.
We don't even have to talk, we can say so much with eye rolling at idiotic patients, sighing heavily and my favorite getting everything done in such a quick fashion there is not one person who doesn't say "Wow you girls are fast."
If you're going to wait for your prescription to be ready after you've dropped it off the supposed wait time is 10 minutes, we do it in five.
We're just that good.
So today there is no escape which is the worst part. I can't go home until it's 9pm.
You have no idea how aware of time I am.
There are rushes at work, it feels like hours have gone by and so much is done, then I'll check the clock and only ten minutes have elapsed.
Dragon is very sick. I should actually start calling her something else because she's not such a bitch anymore, she's actually a very decent person.
I think I'll just call her my boss.
She does accommodate whatever schedule I need, she doesn't give me orders or rides my ass anymore like before, I think time has changed us both, seeing as we met each other in our very first year at the Pharmacy.
Well it's her turn to be sick, everyone at my workplace is sick, we all have the same symptoms.
I had three customers tell me today that our store smells damp and moldy even.
Are we all just sick from this neglected work environment?
Everything is old and broken down at our store. The employee bathroom is broken, there is no top on the toilet so in order to flush it you have to stick your hands in the back of the toilet and lift whatever mechanisms make it flush, this is month three of the broken toilet. They do not fix things at work.
The other bathroom Is the "Customer" bathroom although we spend the majority of time telling people it's broken or that we have none, is gross.
Today I totally forgot to pee, at some point on hour eight of my shift I decided to take my lab coat off and make myself pee, or at least sit down. I stand for 13hrs straight on Wednesdays.
When I went to the bathroom the seat was full of piss and pubes, of course.
Our store is gross and maybe we're sick from Mold or asbestos even?
I put the humidifier we store used for boss lady so she could breathe better, she is always sneezing, like every 10 minutes. Even before this cold she's always sneezing.
I say bless you after every sneeze, matter of fact I've said bless you so much I'm practically an ordained priest.
Between her sneezing and the constant frenzy of the day we finally hit the less that five hour mark (my favorite) before we close. This is such a relief because soon I get to go home.
Around this time of day also my chest started aching real bad, I was so scared I almost mentioned it to her, almost. I just don't know how to confide in anyone else, especially about my ED. I don't want anyone to look at me the way I do. The way I feel deep down inside. Like the trash I am. I am trash folks, if I had any courage at all I would finally just slit my throat once and for all.
I respect her too much to even burden her with my problems.
I want her to still smile at me and consider me responsible, but sometimes I'm scared and I panic and I have no one at work to talk me down from the ledge, so I keep the freak out inside and tell myself well if anything happens, at least someone will call the Rescue quick enough.


I have had nothing to eat today. There was just no time.


Well just wanted to write for writings sake. I know I've lost a lot of followers and probably no one even reads this blog anymore, so instead I write this for me, my own diary, my personal feelings at the time.
I'm talking into a void but many of us are.
Goodnight and Goodbye.

Alone

Do you ever like to be alone?
I do and I don't.
I don't because there are certain people I love to be around like my daughter and boyfriend for instance, oh and kitties!
I also do.
I like and feel strongest alone at times especially when I've fought with someone or have had an awful day.
The anger drives me and pushes me in new directions where I'm so consumed and preoccupied I have no time or put much thought into anything else like eating.

I'm starting to get a lot of positive feedback on my weight loss, once upon a time I would secretly smile and gush inward about how great I'm doing and how much closer I'm getting to that absurd desired weight I want to achieve.
This time around I don't know, something is different.
A patient of mines said to me today "Wow you've lost a lot of weight haven't you?" as they took a double look at me.
I nod my head and change the subject quickly.
I don't care about the compliments, I don't care at all. I hate when people ask me "How did you do it?"
There is no desired weight this time, I'm not trying to hit 90lbs again or less, right now I'm just so stressed and so, so sad and lonely I just don't care about myself anymore.
There are so many more important things to worry about than a meal right now.

My car's little leak is fixed so that's one less thing.
My sister is coming down next week and we're going to see Rihanna in Concert, I like some of her songs but my sister is obsessed, I'll tag along to spend time with her, she's the only family I have.
Work is stressful as ever, I had someone call me stupid because I told them are bathroom wasn't public and they had to ask the manager up front.
I had someone cuss me out on the phone yesterday over someone else's mistake?
You have no idea how much I hate my job.
My boyfriend and I are the same, next month (if we even see that date) we'll be four years together.
His ex is in his life more and that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like, no, I know he's lied to me about seeing her sometimes when they have to get the kid's from school and instances like that. I hate that he's a liar and today well I just about had enough. I told him I wanted some space and time for myself.
When things like this happen, it just makes me so determined to not eat.
I actually was thinking of going to this bakery near work and grabbing something to eat later since I got off at 5pm but once our little exchange happened through text, I just drove straight home and skipped eating today altogether.
The funny thing is I almost feel stronger not having to answer to him. Not strong in the "woman" sense like "Oh he's no good girl.." more like deep down inside I can focus on me. I can be alone with my thoughts and my disorder.
It's more gasoline for the fire.

Is it wrong to say that this feeling is refreshing?
That I am excited at the opportunity of doing my own thing because I have no one to check in with daily.
 Is this a reflection on our relationship or is this just my disorder secretly taking the reins?
I can't tell anymore.
My birthday was last Friday, I am officially old.
I feel as though I've accomplished nothing, I'm just another Cog in the machine.
None of my brothers remembered my birthday, my sister didn't seem as enthusiastic as last year.
The only person who made a fuss was my boyfriend who told me to please pick him up at his home.
He then proceeded to give me a bouquet of flowers and a cheesecake he decorated. His whole family sang me Happy Birthday which just about broke my heart inside because I can't even remember when was the last time anyone gave a fuck about me enough to do that.
The rest of the weekend was spent eating and me secretly throwing up. Purging this time around wipes me out so much.
I bought a pizza yesterday and ate almost all of it while I watched the 1st season of Once Upon a Time on Netflix, I then went to the bathroom and threw it all up. Minutes later as I'm on the couch drained of everything, I turned off the T.V and went to bed at 8pm up until 6:30 am when my alarm went off for work today. Binging and purging are not something I look forward to doing.
I feel like I'm having a heat attack afterwards.


I hate my job but look secretly look forward to it because I don't want to be alone in my apartment all week.
My daughter is with her Dad from Sunday night up until Wednesday at 10pm.
Work is distracting, it's something to do. It's somewhere to be.
The weekends are my favorite because I'm off and my boyfriend and his stepson are here so the house is full of noise and laughter.
Sundays are my least favorite day because everyone leaves me.
I'm pathetic.

My tax return came in and it's a good amount. I put 4,000 in my savings and have spent a few hundred on my daughter's room. I've painted it red (she wanted black) bought her a new TV and got a new bunked/futon.
I'm taking her next week top get her very long hair cut and straightened. She doesn't want this but the truth of the matter is I get tired of combing it and when she's with her dad she looks a mess.
Maybe this way it's more manageable. My daughter is 11 now,
She has breast, a Kardashian butt and hair everywhere.
I fix her very thick eyebrows (which were just like mines at that age) and remind her to take pride in her appearance.
She is a tomboy.
I can't stop this. How am I supposed to tell her to shave her legs and armpits?
She just wants to wear shirts and shorts all day.
I can't get on her ass too much about that, when I was five I wanted desperately to be a boy, I even told some kids I was.
Hello Kettle, my name is Pot.

Her Dad has the nerve to ask me to loan him 500$
Can you believe that shit!?
He texted me today again for the money and I told him No, to look elsewhere, I have bills and problems of my own.
He didn't too much care for my response.
Oh well.

I found out at work I have 2 weeks Vacation I can take whenever.
If I had more friends that stayed somewhere worth visiting I would love to get out of Florida altogether.
Somewhere worth visiting also means anywhere and anyone that would have me.
I want to see something else other than my four Walls or stupid State.
I want to have hope that out there is a great big world and I'm just so insignificant it doesn't matter what ridiculous problem ails me, there's more out there than just Lu and her shit.

So today I ate nothing but some Vodka and half a Xanax.
I am not talking to my boyfriend because I think he's a liar.
I work a 13hr shift at the Pharmacy tomorrow which will drive me crazy.
I've taken laxatives all week.
I have been having suicidal thoughts.
I want to cut all my hair off and cover my body with large tattoos.
I want someone to be my friend and come over and hang out with me.
I want someone to come along and say "I'm just as fucked up as you, want to have a cup of coffee, black no sugar."
I want someone to just be loyal to me.
I want to not want so many things because I don't deserve them






 

Two days blogging in a row? Waaaaaaat!

Well lookey here, I'm writing again.
I love you all but in all actuality you guys are helping me procrastinate.
Shh don't tell my boyfriend.
See I'm supposed to be "writing" aka ending my novel, trust me I would love nothing more than to do that but I'm a bit distracted at the moment.
One does not simply stop binge watching Ghost Whisperer on Netflix, dammit it's hard not to love that Melinda or her gorgeous husband who dies then became a step in and turned into an ugly man named Sam..or my favorite character Eli. I can be here all night listing what's great and not so great about the show but I'm supposed to be "writing."
I have a case of horrible writer's block, the sad part is I decided ok, let's set the chapter aside for now and just write something else in the meantime but as it happens that stunk too.
So you see my dilemma.
I've decided instead to blog tonight, I want to just pour what comes out, no deadlines, or editing or character development, I just want to write for writing's sake.
I'm multitasking too, I'm blogging and also listening to a Webinar for work.
I'm doing two more things than I did yesterday so yay me.

Today was a short day at work, or I thought it was. Instead we were slammed and had all the sick and crazies out. I actually had some lady cough on my boss, she's like "I have this cough, hack hack!"
I'm so happy that I'm already sick thus a germy shield against whatever she was counter germinating.
Yea I'm sick, my daughter has Bronchitis and I got some of her leftovers. She was sick last week when her dad had her, by the time I picked her up from my exhausting work day she was really sick.
The next day I had to take her to Urgent Care and they were able to medicate her and help alleviate those swollen lungs.
My job is never done, I have to be Mom and responsible Dad all the time, if I hadn't taken her who knows how sick she'd get.
Her father blamed everyone but himself on why she got so bad, he blamed walking around barefoot, and my cats even!
My cats are a lot of things but they are not giant Allergy agents.
Well the lady who coughed on my boss was the christening of our pharmaceutical boat
The rest of the day had all kinds of characters coming out of the woodwork. The one that was the most aggressive were this couple. Over the weekend which I didn't work of course, my other pharmacist gave these people a partial on some antibiotics that are really expensive and I'm actually surprised we even have them, she promised to order the remaining for Monday.
Well Monday rolls around and they take it in stride that the medicine isn't ready. Tuesday comes and so does this lady's boyfriend like a freight train running down hobo/technicians on his track.
He's mad and that's understandable but he was so aggressive, he had an insult for everyone.
Around 1 and the day finally starts slowing down a bit. I didn't eat yesterday but decided this morning to chug a Boost shake this time with my morning meds that I have finally been back on for a couple of months.
The rest of the day I had a couple of sips of water and 1 Special K cereal bar. That's 330 calories for the rest of my 8 hour shift. One of my coworkers is into biking and counting calories, grams etc.
He's always calculating what he will eat and how long it will take him to burn it off.
Today he was especially annoying on account of not knowing whether to have a Honey Bun or Twinkie. He has to take his lunch breaks before I leave cos this week I've been working in the mornings and he's been closing. I don't take lunch breaks, I wait until my shift is almost over and leave 30 minutes earlier.
Today as he pondered what Hostess snack to eat, he asks me what I had today, I said "A cereal bar."
He asked me how I did it, what's my secret? I told him I was still sick and had no taste buds so anything I ate didn't matter because it all tastes like snot.
He laughs and we go about our business.
I got out at three today but with traffic and all it's like I got out at four; coming home my empty apartment with my cats, fish and newest member of the family, a ferret. Yes "Stinky" as I call her although my daughter named her "Oreo."
I love her but man does she stink. I'm constantly on the lookout for candles, air fresheners and plug ins in the vain attempt to mask that petting zoo smell from my apartment.
I have Netflix on in the background so there's noise in the house.
So this is the part in the day I hate, the "Do we eat' part.
I walk to the kitchen and look into the fridge and sigh. Nope, nothing in here that I want.
The cupboards are next followed by a gander on what's on top of the fridge, but no.
There isn't anything I want, because what I really want is to just not eat and move on with the rest of the day.
I finally decided on some tuna and crackers.
After not eating much for so long, it doesn't take a whole lot before I start to feel full.
When this happens, if I want to avoid a b/p session, I must put the bowl of tuna down and drop that cracker now.
So there body, I ate. You have food in you now leave me alone for the next couple of days.
I managed to keep it down and not have a meltdown. The rest of the tuna goes to the colony of stray cats I have been feeding in front of my building.

Now tomorrow is my long shift where I work 13 hours with no break.
That's when it's a challenge to find time to eat.
Sometimes my boss will buy us lunch and I almost always have no time to eat it.
I'll have a shake in the morning for sure but as for the rest of the day, well I don't know.