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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Mobile blogger

Well I'm coming to you live from a blogger app..looks like Lou is on the go.
Tuesday went to see my shrink, as I'm at the front reception window requesting they page her, the front secretary tells me my shrink is not coming in today.
What?
She didn't even have the common courtesy to call me and cancel our session!
What a cunt.
I'm requesting another shrink, I'm done with her. If she's not taking my recovery seriously then why should I?
On my way home and I run into the Handyman, I ask him for the hundredth time where is my stove?
He promises that Wednesday for sure I will get a new stove.
On Wednesday and I head straight to the leasing office and complain about my non existing stove, I'm reassured again that it would be delivered today. My knees hurt today, I have two large bruises, I have no idea where from..my Iron must be so low.

At home and I binge and purge and take a diet pill. The Lipo6 makes me incredibly anxious after I take it. I have no choice but to take it, I want to lose weight it's the only thing it seems I can do these days, the only thing that changes for me.
The anxiety starts and so do the heart palpitations. The handymen finally show up in the afternoon with a new stove.
Finally!
My husband is so overjoyed he suggests we go buy food to bake.
I want to b/p some more so I agree.
We get my daughter from school and head over to the market.
I feel bad and have a shake and some crackers..
The anxiety worsens in the car as I start to think of my weight going up.
My husbands driving makes me jumpy and I'm clutching at the seats and grinding my teeth.
My husband mentions Michaels arts and crafts store, and how he'd like to show me some Hello Kitty items they have, he knows I won't say no to this.
The drive is taking forever and I start to wish I had the Buspar with me.
Next to Michaels was Big Lots, I head in there frantically and buy a soda and grab a sweet cake thing by Little Debbie.
I drink and eat and feel better, maybe my sugar was low?
The voice is there nagging at me adding up all the calories, estimating at what weight I am now thanks to all this consumption.
Michaels is done and I walk out the store with more Hello Kitty swag.
In the market, and I grab chicken to bake and even cookie mix.
The drive home isn't that bad minus the fact that I want to purge.
I make bourbon chicken in the oven and bake sugar cookies. I make rice and kidney beans.
I binge on chicken and the beans, no rice for me too painful to purge.
I'm actually jumpy before I purge, the noises outside the door startle me, for the first time in a long time im really scared to purge.
I get to it and then something happens afterwards, I have an awful stinging in the middle of my chest and a huge cramp in my stomach that actually makes me double over in pain.
I start to wonder if I've finally went and done it, did I tear something?
My breathing becomes shallow and I need to lay down.
My husband is done eating and now has started drinking Whiskey.
He looks at me and wonders what is wrong.
I tell him about my pains and he just shakes his head.
I'm really dizzy and think maybe my sugar is low, the only thing I have left in my fridge is a Boost Vanilla shake, I drink that.
I'm cold and scared.
My husband sets up sheets on the floor and suggest I lay on my stomach.
I do and just really want someone to rub my back and hold me. I grab my iPod and open the messenger while I lie down. The Boy is online and we talk for a bit, I wish he was here by my side.
I would even take Happy Tuesdays comfort right about now.
Instead I have my husband, he props his feet on my back as if I were a makeshift ottoman.
I guess this will have to do.
His feet squish my back and it's distracting, my breathing starts to regulate. The cats even come lay down on the floor by my side and I pet them all the while wondering If I'm dieing.
The Boy is headed to bed, he has no idea of my distress, he doesn't know about the b/p, only that I don't eat sometimes. He always tells me that I better eat, I tell him sure, yes sweetie I ate something today.
After he logs out Happy Tuesday logs in and I tell him what's going on.
He's worried about me, Happy Tuesday and I despite all the sexual bullshit have turned out to become bestfriends.
He's the one person I talk to daily, and when he's not all douchey he is actually sweet.
He and I have actually had big blowouts over my ED, so much so we don't talk for a day or two. Part of the problem is he thinks I'm this strong kick ass girl who can overcome anything if I just set my mind to it. He doesn't get the mental illness of an Eating Disorder. He only sees the physical aspect of it.
I know his concern is genuine and he begins to worry for me.
My husband is really drunk now, Whiskey is not the best thing to drink for him, at one point in the night he reaches down and grabs my pussy forcefully.
I immediately get pissed and we begin to argue. The arguing doesn't help my current state.
He's jealous of my chatting online, wants to know who is it and belives someone is brainwashing me. Apparently I'm a dummy who doesn't think for herself.
 I wish he would just leave me alone and respect me.
One day I fear he may try to force himself on me. I've been manhandled by him in the past but never hit, my fear is he will just tire of me and just go to that dark place that posses men to think of women as disposable objects.
I end my chat with Happy Tuesday and continue arguing with my husband.
I'm scared to fall asleep because I still have the stomach pains, but I lay in bed anyways.
Before I know it I'm asleep.
I'm really tired today, I feel hungover but I know it's actually the exhaustion catching up to me.
My husband takes my daughter to school.
No more stomach or chest pains.
I'm not taking the diet pill, only before a workout.
I'm dying to workout.
I want to b/p today.
I hope I can resist, I have a Halloween Party to go to and a tight outfit that can't have noticeable weight gain. Ugh the Halloween Party, I really am not in the festive mood. I'm not looking forward to people doing cocaine and offering me any. I'm not looking forward to all that food and alcohol.
I'm going of course, I have to put all my bullshit aside and be normal for my daughter. I hope today is better than yesterday.

3 comments:

'Krystal' said...

hun please be careful... i can relate to those pains as ive been battling some lately as well... someone told me i have brchycardia (SP) anyway - my heart is struggling to keep beating so it is really low... she is a nurse and recovered from ana so i tend to trust her... be careful with the chest pains - i have ben also having those and they are really scarey... some nights i can ignore and sleep anyway and others i lay in fear - it is no fun... remember i am always on messenger and i would love to chat - but you have to make the move as i have never let the friendship leave my heart but i can only be here if you choose to let me.
please be careful with your husband. warn him - tell him if he tries anything even though u r still married u can still file rape charges and he can still go to prison and lose everything... it really is his choice whether he chooses to respect or violate u... for u it is your decision whether u follow through with anything he does... i hope u have the strength to kick his ass should he try anything and u know if u need me - ill be here... i start school again soon i hope - i filled out the paperwork and i just need them to let me kow how to send it back - this means ill be here even more... (((HUGS))) hun... i hope u take advantage and message me - i do miss chatting...

Jenn said...

Love the costume.

I want to send you something. Facebook message me your addy.

xo

Does It Even Matter said...

Your husband needs a swift kick in the ass. Sorry to say that but how he treats you realllly pisses me off. No one has any reason to treat a person like that. Next time he does that shit put him in his place. BUT PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Never hesitate to call the cops if he gets rough with you. No person man or female desreves to be abused.

OMG. I had my first set of pains a few weeks ago. I purged and i thought my heart was going to explode. I sat on my bathroom floor for almost a half and hour just freaking out and trying to calm my breathing all at the same time. It was sooo scary. Just please be safe and go to the hospital if it ever gets to bad to manage.

XXOO *HUGS*