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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Me, Myself and ED

I've started speaking to Happy Tuesday again.
I've half forgiven him for being a huge liar.
What is that colorful saying, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with?"
I don't love Happy Tuesday, to be honest he's not even that good in bed, but he is something to do. I am bored to death and lonely. i don't mind our friendship, he's someone I like conversing with, but he says he desires me a lot and wishes he could have me every night. I really don't care if we ever sleep together again, but it seems I can't get the friendship without giving up some ass either?
*Sighs*
I wish I had a penis, then I'd be the one calling all the shots.
So Sunday night we agreed that we would see each other on Tuesday after my therapy session. This was the plan.
Now Monday comes around and my husband insists on using my money to pay for the tags on the car.
I'm left with 20$ to my name which I hold onto because Happy Tuesday lives really far away and I would have to gas up my tank.
My husband and I don't argue, I pay for the tags silently protesting, and then proceed to get things ready to see Happy Tuesday.
My husband says he would like to go see Halloween Costumes because my daughter won't let up on the matter and he lives to please her.
So we head to Party City and goof around in the store before Finally coming across the Wall of Costumes and about four sales people standing around asking if we need a basket or help. We don't on both.
My daughter wants to be Scooby Doo. I try to talk her into a Princess outfit or something girly.
I was a Tomboy when I was little, but then again, I also liked girls in my adolescence, so I'm kinda butch too.
I just want the best for my daughter, and as a parent you hope you don't pass genes and traits along to your children. I wouldn't like passing the ED trait to her or even any Gay genes. Not that having either of those things makes you a horrible person because they don't, but I fear it may make growing up that much harder than it already is. Whatever happens to her or she decides I'll love her no matter what.
In the meantime, I try to doll her up as much as I can. She refuses this process, the sandals, the nail polish, the hair done in a style, dresses..She likes to jump around and wear sneakers and shorts, she likes her hair to imitate a mop. I guess I just have to let her be. I don't mind it, its the outside world that pisses me off, someone always has an opinion on how your child is being raised, makes me wanna spit nails.
So My Lil Miss B. refuses to wear anything girly for Halloween, she wants to be Scooby Doo.
I tell her if they don't have that Costume she will have to chose something else, she then says to be in a serious and sure tone "If they don't have Scooby Doo, then I'm not trick or treating this year."
Well she told me lol.
We manage to find her costume, it was the last one in her size too. My husband doesn't dress up for Halloween anymore, not since my daughter was born.
This year he wants to dress up. I always dress up, in my fantasy world Halloween and dressing up would be everyday.

I'm currently torn between two Costumes..
Either a Sexy Nurse or A Lady Gaga "Poker Face" Costume..So far the Nurse has gotten the most votes.


What to be?









After we leave Party City and head home, I continue the b/p and then Workout.
I have to break it to my Husband that I won't be home tomorrow.
He doesn't take it well, he bombards me with questions and then heads to the store for a six pack of beers. Why does he try to make me feel guilty, By my calculations I only get to leave the house once a month?
Its getting late and I head to bed while he stays up until 3am on YouTube and drinking still.
Tuesday and after I drop my daughter to school, I head to Publix and buy things to binge on before my Therapy at 10.
I leave my messenger open and check FB, no messages from Happy Tuesday yet, last time I checked we were still on for today.
After I purge,I shower and get ready for a long afternoon of cheap and easy sex.
My therapist is running late, I've missed half an hour already of our session. I hate tardiness, its so rude.
Finally she sees me, I almost didn't recognize her as she walked right past me, I've completely forgotten what she looks like entirely.
The session is short and I tell her all about my Husband.
She says I'm in an Abusive relationship and that I have to move on with my life, I have no control over the outcome, there is no easy way to end a marriage. I can't be so protective of his feelings.
I wish our session was longer, I was very interested in what she had to say.
I'm headed downstairs and out of the cold crowded building. Its nice outside, the sun is warm and the breeze smells like change. I cross the street to the now available parking lot and I always breathe a sigh of relief once I see my car unharmed and still there, no Tow Truck in sight.
My phone vibrates and I have 2 text messages from Happy Tuesday.
He's stood me up again.
Some explanation about a broken car and babysitting duties, blah blah same shit different day.
I don't even bother texting him back with a response.
I drive home and my husband is up and throwing up in the toilet, he is hungover.
"I thought you were gonna hang out today?" he's barely audible.
My plans fell through I tell him, and ask him if he wants to tag along while I do groceries.
We head to the Walmart where I buy binge foods galore. Still no stove or working oven so cooking is outta the question. Binge foods are appropriate.
When I get home I get another text from Happy Tuesday apologizing again for standing me up.
I tell him not to worry about it, and he thinks I'm upset, then the conversation takes a weird tone.
He wants to call me but I tell him No. I don't get a chance to tell him he can't call me because my husband is next to me, so the Happy Tuesday thinks I'm being difficult and then proceeds to rip me a new asshole. He sends me like three texts at a time while I'm barely one one on account of my cheap free Safelink Wireless cellphone or "Government Cheese phone" as I've dubbed it. I don't have a smart phone with a nifty QWERTY keyboard, I have that annoying text where you have to keep pressing until the right letter comes out. Pray to Jebus you don't make a mistake.
Now he's mad at me, and I can't even fathom why? He's managed to turn the whole conversation around. It instantly reminded me of this scene "Sprung with Divorce" from The First Wives Club with Dianne Keaton for some odd reason?

So we've had our first big fight.
I bought four bottles of wine, I'm getting drunk tonight because for some stupid reason Happy Tuesday's harsh words have hurt me. Why does this idiot get under my skin?
You're all probably wondering where is The Boy.
Well my sweetie pie has the day off. His friend from West Palm Beach who he hasn't seen in months is visiting, so I've decided to let them be, he seldom gets company since he's moved to Orlando. I also have made myself less available to him, I want him to miss me, but I don't always wanna be in his face and come off as needy, which is pathetic because I'm the older one in the relationship.
My therapist told me that she thinks living with anyone after my husband and I end things is a huge mistake. In her exact words "Moving in with someone is not a good idea, because you see how hard it is to get them the Fuck out."
Oh yea I forgot to mention my Therapist likes to curse..a lot. I think she used to be in the Navy?
I miss The Boy, I wish he and I lived in the same city. Sometimes I feel like I'm just fooling myself. Why does God put wonderful unobtainable people in your path if you're not meant to be with them? Its torture.
I'm binging now, so I'm gonna go purge then workout and get sloshed!
Hope you guys are well, I need a new diet pill.
I haven't taken one in months, wonder whats good out there. I think I'm gonna keep losing weight.
ED is the only one that remains when all else fades away. Maybe he's the man in my life, the only one.
Wish I weighed 80lbs.
All this b/p I've shot back up to 111.6lbs.
I hate it, I hate the way I look. Sometimes I think if I was to keep gaining then people wouldn't like me anymore. Is that stupid?
My shrink gave me Homework too, she wants me to read "The Secret."
We're gonna watch the DVDs in her office sometime soon.
She also emailed some woman in a Vocational Program to help me find a job.

Dear God, please help me. I'm so sad and miserable. If you're not gonna help me then please let me die already..I'm so tired of this life. Stop dicking me around already geesh.
Amen.





4 comments:

Jenn said...

the secret is awesome. SO awesome. go to thesecret.tv and go on gifts for you. there's inspirational videos that will totally make you in a good mood. try them.

i've been b/p-ing constantly and i'm gaining weight and i'm really frustrated.

xo

Peridot (G+P) said...

He is an abusive fuck. I raged out at an anime I was watching for study yesterday coz the main male love interest was an emotionally abusive cockwad -.- Abuse isn't always physical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTwb2LG-2dU&feature=feedu
Cute video. I hope it makes you smile a bit. I love watching Maru, but I feel guilty for neglecting me snoozing pile of catfluff when I do >.>

xoxoxoxo

Does It Even Matter said...

You husband does not sound like a nice person at all. Maybe your therapist has the right idea. Maybe if you move out and find happiness in yourself the B/Ping would stop. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

*hugs*

Megan said...

As part of the world who has an opinion on how to raise your daughter... don't feminize her against her will. It will be a lot harder for her to grow up feeling like she needs to deny who she is and what she wants to please other people.

Sound familiar?

You deserve better. Your therapist is right about everything but The Secret (it's really only good to help with positive thinking).

Fuck them all; love yourself.