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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Changes

Monday was a nice relaxing day minus the 3x of b/p which almost creeped to 4 but I fought so hard against it.
The morning did start off giving me a kick in the arse.
The banks were closed and no mail, my mailbox was stuffed with Saturday's mail. Ugh Columbus Day aka Federal Iinterruption/Let's reward the Moron who accidentally killed an Indigenous people day!

I look amongst the usual junk mail and find a letter from Child Support.
As I read on its another form to fill out, the voided check I sent for my direct deposit was returned. This is the third time this payment option has failed.
I was also frustrated because I have no working stove or oven. I've gained weight from all the b/p, or rather its not weight but a poo baby from not laxing.
I'm lonely and sad and missing The Boy and my sister even.
My husband also gets a letter informing him that his wages have been garnished already, he is mad.
He starts to bitch at me for things that were already discussed to death.
The b/p commences.
My dear sweet Boy has the day off today. He is up early this morning as I log on to my Yahoo Messenger (ladikaat69@yahoo.com  wanna  friend me? send  message along with request so I know you're human and not a Sex Bot advertisement..)
I start to talk to him some and he manages to cheer me up entirely.
He's ready to move next month, he tells me about his apartment and more importantly how much he wants me to live with him. I wish I could. I wish I could wake up to him everyday, have someone who genuinely cares for me and my kid, someone who I have things in common with, someone who I miss so much it hurts.
He makes everything okay and I secretly thank him and God alike for allowing another day to be tolerable.
At night Happy Tuesday and I talk,
Happy Tuesday is smitten with me, wishes he could see me too.
We can't see each other, his life is incredibly complicated right now, alone time between us is a planned event like no other. A Motel Date was planned for the near future, a date where we can actually drink and unwind, I've found the room at a reasonable rate which he will pay, but the timing is still up in the air.
Towards the end of our conversation I tell him that I miss my sister, I miss family, I miss being in a real relationship. I feel like a dust mote floating aimlessly through life. I have no direction or purpose anymore.
He reassures me as best he can but I can feel the shift, the divide of feeling positive and the depression rapping against my calm demeanor. Happy Tuesday continues to woo me. He tells me that he thinks I have beautiful eyes and he wishes I was there with him, that he wants me to kiss him. apparently no one comes close in comparison in how I kiss..
I wake up on Tuesday morning and groggily head to the shower where I shave and sob silently under the waterfall of hot water. I cry because I really miss my sister. I feel alone and misunderstood. I am those things.
I get ready and drop my daughter off to school, she has tutoring today so an extra hour longer she will remain in school.
I head home and the minute I get inside my husband pops out from under the covers like a pop tart.
"Guess who just called?" there is a twinkle in his eye.
I don't know.. who?
"Look at the Caller ID" that same light now accompanied by a huge smile, some secret or private joke unknown by me.I grab the phone an d look at the number, my sister just called?
My heart sinks to my stomach and I think this must be some kind of joke.
My husband fills me in on the missed phone call's conversation.
I call my sister back and we instantly overwhelm each other with apologies and tears.
She is sorry for everything that transpired, she just couldn't handle the depression, the eating disorder, my SUICIDAL tendencies and all that jazz.
I can be a bit much.
I have to see my shrink at 10am, my sister keeps talking and I don't want to end our discussion but I'm already late and have to go.
I rush to my car and speed over to the clinic.
There is a large crowd outside and then I see the yellow Do Not Cross tape.
No one is allowed in the building today, there was a robber who entered the building and robbed the Pharmacy of all the good drugs, If I wasn't mad already this would piss me off. So today no Therapy for us all.
More importantly, if my sister didn't detain me today by a few extra minutes, then I would've been in that clinic at the exact same time all that madness ensued.

I'm happy today because I have my sister back.
My sweet Boy is off of work and now I can truly go visit him.
I tell him the good news and he laughs, he already knew we would talk again, but he is excited at the possibility of seeing me next month.
The day continues to be good and at night I manage to webcam with my sister all the while having a chat open with The Boy..
At some point in the night I go to the bathroom leaving the computer unattended.
When I return my husband is at the desk.
After the talk with my sister is done I can see my husbands face getting more serious by the minute.
I knew this would happen, every time I'm happy he manages to come in and shit on it.
My daughter is sound asleep at this time and so I ask him what is wrong.
My husband is drunk from too much Whiskey.
He tells me that he knows about The Boy.
How does he know you ask?
Well because he was nosy and read my conversation from Yahoo Messenger.
A huge argument ensues and this time I step up to the plate.
I tell him that yes there is someone (s) else, yes I will be going to Orlando, and yes he does live there.
My husband asks me if this is it, the end?
I tell him it is, the past gets brought back up and more unnecessary past bullshit.
My husband says its over and he will be moving out.
I'm not sad because of this, on the contrary pretty happy its done.
I pull out a piece of paper to calculate my expenses.
My child support payments are only 80$ weekly-I can't live off of that.
My husband is ignoring my serious question and keeps on putting me down, he keeps making this all about him, like he is a victim.
I get fed up folks and stab him in his thigh with the pencil.
He did not see that one coming.
I didn't break the skin lol..I just wanted to be heard.
So now after an hour or so of fighting, he leaves.
That's it, my marriage is officially over.
I'm getting drunk, and Ive just binged on crackers.
I purged 5x today already and my teeth hurt real bad, my throat is swollen from all the poking with my sharp nails.
I have no idea how I will survive this month, i have to cut the cable and phone and Internet off.
You may not hear from me anymore..I don't know.
I can only afford my rent and light.
My husbands birthday is next week and he hasn't renewed the insurance yet, he told me to do it.
That's 400$ dollars for a new tag and not too mention getting insurance under my name!
This month is going to be hard,,real hard.
I don't have a job and only 40$ in my checking account.
I'm going to apply for McDonald's in the morning and then apply to be a Web Cam girl as well.
I need money.
If I do get hired for the Cam Job-The Boy must never know about it.
None of my family either.
I can't get a costume this yr for me, right now all that stuff is now considered a luxury.
I'm not sad, I've been talking to my sister who has been very encouraging and is telling me what I should do next.
The tears come only when I think of my daughter and how she will react not having her father here everyday.
I think I'm done, gonna keep drinking and then bed.
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life.

2 comments:

Kitty said...

Oh wow! what a day...

I am not really sure what to say hon.

*hugs*

clytie said...

OMG Lou! Well this is definitly a turning point in your life and I wish you so much luck!