Thursday, July 12, 2012

What Ed says

It's Thursday and already the day has started all wrong.
I Bp yesterday, I had what I thought was 'safe foods' only to be mistaken.
Nothing feels safe.
I couldn't keep anything down and even took laxatives afterwards.
I had a horrible workout, the laxatives made my head hurt, the nausea started up too, my body rejecting anything I swallow pills, food or otherwise.
After my workout went to shower, but before then weighed and scrutinized my body for what felt like hours. I didn't like anything, my weight, my appearance, me.
I felt like shattering the mirror and cutting words into myself with the shards.
"Fat, Ugly, Worthless, Stupid, Loser.."
No, not good at all.
I tried to stay awake but the weakness of my body depleting itself of further electrolytes and sugars makes my eyes close on me and soon unconscious follows for a few hours.
The laxatives are kicking in slowly and I want to Bp more.
I stay in bed in hopes to avoid food altogether, avoid life.
I can't obviously.
My kid is home and has an extra attitude today, this is a pattern I'm noticing every time she comes back from her Dad's. My ex isn't making anything easier on his end.
He keeps feeding my kid pizza and McDonald's every week. My daughter's Eczema is really bad, her skin is a blotchy cracked bleeding mess. I'm at my wits end trying to heal her but to no avail. I've tried everything, I hate being unable to fix anything, to help her.
My frustration is through the roof.
I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions.
Ed says it's time to lose weight, time to meet my GW head on.
Ed says the only time I have any real focus and results is when I lose weight. He reminds me that lately my life has been going further away from anything I had envisioned, I've been losing more than winning.
With each sour turn my life takes I've seemed to lose sight of something.
Ed reminds me that I've come a long way, I've lost a lot of weight, why stop now, why backtrack?
Shouldn't I be able to do what I want, what's stopping me, where did all my determination go, this fire I had in me once where I set myself to do something and did it. I overcame milestones and was proud in doing so.
Ed says look at you now, are you happier eating and gaining weight in addition to your boring meaningless little life, why not change something.

Safe Foods aren't so safe anymore.
I'm running out of options, I don't know what I can eat that doesn't send me into a downward spiral afterwards. Sometimes not eating for days feels safer compared to the alternative of Bp.
What's the lesser of two evils here?

I feel awful for days every time I eat, my bowels are shot, I get depressed about my weight always going up but never going back down.
What I think makes me happy really doesn't. I don't know what I want anymore.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure every time I try to eat and pretend everything is okay when it's not.

I worry about my kid's weight, worry about her getting fat and being miserable. I worry about her ending up just like me.
Maybe when people call me a bad Mom there's truth to it, I think they see my true colors, see a person who is too sick to be responsible for another's well being when she has so little regard for her own. Maybe my kid is better off with my ex raising her, at least she'll never worry about seeing him Depressed, emaciated or immobile.
He works, eats, functions in society.
 Those things matter.

What to do now.
Do I listen to Ed who's always been there for me and put forth all my efforts to reach my GW, maybe salvage the year before it ends.

Or do I continue to try to eat, to fail as well. To keep gaining weight, to keep being miserable days after when it all hits me and I realize what exactly am I doing as my clothes fit tighter and my stomach fills out.

I don't know.

What I do know is what's the right and wrong thing to do here. I should want to get better and hope that things turn around, I do want that, but it's hard to ignore Ed and all the things he says to me.

I've already Bp once today, I'm in a somber mood, unable to stop thinking about behaviors, tips, and tricks. Things I can start doing immediately.

I won't do anything today, I will stay in bed. I'm on Season 3 of the X-Files, but that can wait, today is the premiere of Big Brother at 9pm on CBS.
A distraction from Ed for a few hours at least.

I'll try to workout if I feel better and maybe go to bed early.
 I wish Ed would just shut up, and sometimes I just wanna listen, I want to be free.


ruby-tuesday said...

Oh Lou, I feel your pain, I really do
I feel like I'm in a similar place to you, a wishy washy, no mans land.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I could go one of two ways.
Go deeper in to my eating disorder or give recovery another shot.

I really feel like my ed is like an abuser. It seduces and grooms me with false promises of happiness and success.
It is only when I am sucked in that the ed shows it's true colours and the cruelty begins.
By then it's too late too escape.
Just like an abuser the ed preys on vulnerable people and when I try to escape it does everything it can to get me back in to it's clutches.

I am trying so hard not to listen to the ed's voice but it's exhausting and I don't know if I've any fight left in me.

I urge you Lou, don't listen to the ed, recovery hurts but anorexia and bulimia kill.
I know you're doubting yourself right now but I believe you can do this.
As for being a good mother, you have proved time and time again what an amazing mother you are with incredible strength.
Don't ever doubt your ability to be a great mother.

Sorry this comment is turning in to a book, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone.

Take care of you x

Anonymous said...

Lou, I can relate to this so much.
Ed is a tyrant, a manipulator.
I feel like you, I want to be healthy and recover but I don't want to gain weigh to do so, I wish I could be skinnier, even emaciated looking sometimes. I know that sounds bad but its true, is it safe no do I care? sometimes not really.
I hope you feel better and keep trying to eat again, your life is not meaningless, you're a great mom, don't listen to anyone who says otherwise, some moms beat their kids, give them up, or don't pay them any mind, you're not like that, you try everyday to make the most outta what you have and that says a lot. Stay strong and keep fighting, is ok to feel like today doesn't make you any less a fighter/amazing person, every1 can have off days, this one is urs.

love you.

Sam said...

I'm sorry you are in so such pain right now. All I can think to say is try and concentrate on the (at least) two amazing things you have in your life, your daughter and your boyfriend. Even though you may feel worthless and find yourself lacking know that they find you worthy and full of amazingness. I hope that you can conquer this and get back to the highs of life you so deserve.
I don't know what goes on at your house, with your daughter but from what I read here in and between the lines, and from that I would say that you are a terrific mom. Yeah you may have some demons but we all do. All that matters is that you are there for her and love her in every way you can.
I know my advice is lacking but it's the best I got. You are a strong woman and I know you will beat this, as you have beaten every other struggle in your life.

Love, Sam

Peridot (G+P) said...

Not a fun week :(

To avoid the mirror-smashing urges I have all the mirrors in my house covered up. Miles knows why and nobody else visits but they're easy enough to take down if someone does, and pretty enough to leave up if they show up without warning.

You're a pretty awesome Mum in my book. You help her with school, nurse her when she's sick, talk to her and walk with her. Taken from the perspective of the child of a physically, emotionally and mentally abusive drug addict you're an AMAZING mother. You do your damn best to look after her in less-than-ideal circumstances and when she's up set you find out what's wrong and try to fix it.

Don't forget that the Ex has a bit of a problem with booze and has hit her. Not a good idea to leave a child to that permanently.

Ed wants to take your control, your health, your mind, your child, your LIFE away from you. He's a lying, manipulative fuckstick who'll do anything to continue feeding on you like a colossal parasite. He'll keep you chained with illusions and suck all your concentration and energy away from other things until your heart gives out because he know's your stronger than he is and if you choose to ignore the fantasies he paints for you they'll melt like mirages and you'll realise just how awesome you are.

The bloating doesn't last forever. The weight gain DOES stop. You don't automatically inflate into a whale. Your body is smart, trust it. It knows what it needs to heal itself.

You don't need Ed to be motivated. You don't need him to achieve things. You don't need him to be alive and happy and successful in your endeavours. You know why? Coz you're Lou. And that makes you fucking amazing.

Hold on. The shitstorm can't (and definitely won't) last forever. You're strong, you can outlast it.