Friday, July 6, 2012

Happy 4th of July

Fourth of July usually isn't a celebrated affair for me, hasn't been one since my parents were alive and all my siblings and I lived under the same roof, but this year was different.
My boyfriend invited me over to his place for the Holiday.
His family was having a BBQ and the pool was warm and inviting.
The day was nice, the kids had a great time in the pool and so did we.
Every time I'm around my boyfriend I feel as though nothing can go wrong, I feel safe with him, I trust him.
It was time to eat and I was unaware that his family actually sits around a dinner table to do that.
I was shown a seat around a crowded table of food.
My sweet boyfriend kept asking me about what I would consider safe to eat, I told him chicken, but I wasn't actually expecting or hoping that anyone would go out their way for me, I didn't want to be rude or be a bother.
I sit at the table and I quietly panic.
His lovely Mother bless her heart actually grilled me a whole chicken breast just for me. The gesture was grand but I felt bad, I hate how this Ed makes me feel.
God how must have I come off as? the only person eating or having something made that wasn't on the menu. Inside I felt embarrassed, I was thinking of just having whatever everyone else was having.
My boyfriend sits next to me, and next thing I know a huge grilled chicken breast is set in front of me.
The rest of the things on the menu were BBQ foods, baked beans, coleslaw both of which I actually don't care for. There was talk of potatoes but they weren't ready yet.
I cringed, now I really look like the oddball with hardly anything on my plate.
I was thinking of just eating the Chicken breast with a boiled potato.
His mother offers me a homemade shake consisting of fresh fruit, mangoes and something else I can't recall. It was yummy, I sipped on it slowly after ingesting a whole cup of soda.
I cut my chicken up into small pieces which is also embarrassing, here come the colorful rituals.
My body is trembling inside, I keep telling myself its just protein and I could use that. I was planning on pacing myself so I could eat it all.
The rest of the family were finishing up their meal, my boyfriend is loading his plate and keeps checking up on me to make sure I'm okay, he even tells me its okay if I don't wanna eat it all.
We're alone at the table and I'm still chewing little bites of chicken wondering when the potato will come along, I need a side order.
It finally arrives and I realize it plain, salt and peppered are added and I'm good to go.
Time to get this eating on the road.
I take a deep breath and continue onward whilst chatting with my love and trying to appear like a normal person that enjoys food.
Eating in front of others is odd, but I've been making the effort to at least try.
I was actually doing okay but next thing I know when all other family exit the kitchen, my boyfriend snatches the remaining chicken off my plate, he says its okay, I don't need to finish that, I guess my charade wasn't convincing enough. I'm left with the potato, I start to mash it into a pulp, I take minuscule bites trying to keep that down as well but it's also taken off my plate and I'm relived of eating duties for the day.
I feel bad and wonder when I'll ever be able to eat like a person again, enjoy something, anything without feeling guilty, fat, or sick afterwards.
I take three anxiety pills immediately.
My boyfriend eats his food plus mines, I actually ask him where he puts it all?
 I couldn't ever imagine eating so much without purging it afterwards.
He laughs and tells me I haven't been around a lot of people that eat.
You know something he's actually right.

We head to a park and watch a lovely fireworks display, I realize that this is one of many holidays to come that I'm spending with someone I love.
I'm not panicking or feel the awful side effects of keeping food down because the day's been great and I feel safe.
I never thought I'd be here again, in another relationship, letting someone else in, trusting that everything is okay, that the Hurt won't touch me.
It feels good to not over think so much, to just trust my heart instead of the negative voices.

So that was my Holiday. A beautiful day committed to memory.


Moonlight Mistress said...

That man of yours seems to really make you happy....I'm glad.


Sam said...

Gld u had a great time!

Englishrose said...

that sounds so tough!
i dont think anyone realises how daunting it is to eat infront of people i hate it feel like everyones judging me its horrible u did really well u shud b proud of urself and also u seem to have a lovely boyfriend!

Anonymous said...

I think you did good eating wise, I know it's hard but you're amazing Lou.
I'm glad you had a great Holiday, you look and sound very happy.
You and your boyfriend really do make a cute couple I hope you continue to be happy and recover.

Stay strong.