Thursday, July 19, 2012

"An eating disorder is not usually a phase, and it is not necessarily indicative of madness. It is quite maddening, granted, not only for the loved ones of the eating disordered person, but also for the person herself. It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of 'sick'. It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. These contradictions begin to split a person in two. Body and mind fall apart from each other, and it is in this fissure that an eating disorder may flourish, in the silence that surrounds this confusion that an eating disorder may fester and thrive."

Marya Hornbacher

I suffer from a Mental Illness, a tortuous form of slow suicide. I cannot explain why I'm hardwired to do this, to continually hurt myself but I do.
I don't need to be made fun of or ridiculed when I can't fight off my Ed on certain days. I've been battling this alone all my life and will continue to do so because in the end I am my own support system.
I am not in a "self destruct trip' as my boyfriend put it today when I honestly admitted to bp this afternoon,
 if I were a more cowardly person I would just lie all the time and admit to nothing. For someone who is supposedly in love with me and supportive, to say such a petty thing makes me angry and sad.
Angry because I'm not ready for a relationship with another person, and sad for the same reason, sad because as long as I have an Eating Disorder I am unlovable.
I am aware of my failures I don't need anyone in the Peanut gallery to point them out to me.
The thing about Ed's is that they are isolating, I can see why. Letting someone witness your plight is pointless, they will never understand and no one should be a testament to another's suffering.

While today I have faltered, it doesn't always mean I will, but when I do it is of my own accord.
 When I get better, it will be for the same reason.


Anonymous said...

:( I'm so sorry Lou, your bf should be more sensitive to you, that was a mean thing to say. You're not unlovable honey, you are adored because you're so strong, you fall and keep getting up no matter what, sometimes the real strong ones don't need saving and can stand alone, it's not to say you don't need a relationship but rather your recovery is the relationship that matters the one that you fight to keep always.
I hope you two can get over this little hurdle, hope he apoligizes. You stay strong, I think you're amazing, you get more so everyday.
P.s love the book Wasted.
Good quote!


Moonlight Mistress said...

I'm sure he didn't mean anything by that comment. Like you said, he can't truly understand what you're going through because he's never been there himself.

Give him another shot and see how things go. He seems like he really cares for you and maybe his repsonse was just his frustration coming to the surface.


clytie said...

Hornbacher's got it right, and that is the best quote around to explaining it to anyone. It's funny how we can read it and be completley aware, but it doesn't change anything. As long as the madness doesn't have someone, they'll never understand it.

perryfuckinA said...

Bloody hell your Bloke is a wanker.
Chuck the bastard.

Peridot (G+P) said...

"Letting someone witness your plight is pointless, they will never understand and no one should be a testament to another's suffering."
So fucking true. Miles keeps throwing platitudes and "think happy thoughts" comments at me and it makes me want to punch him. I have no idea why I bothered telling him, any of this in the first place. It just makes him do it more in an effort to "fix" me.

I hope he can learn how non-constructive his comment really was.

Take care of yourself, if you can today :)