Still here

Yes, no Vlog this weekend.
I'm deciding to write more, if I can find time for it that is..
Time is something I've become all too aware of lately.

I'm experiencing withdrawals of being without medication.
It sucks let me tell you, not so much for me, but for my loved ones.

Once again I'm back to that place where I can't be tolerated for too long, and once again I'm being given "lines."
Those feel better, cheer up lines, those things people say when there is that awkward silence of misunderstanding.

I'm not well obviously, but it doesn't make me less aware of what's happening to me.
I know I've become more negative than I'd like, I can't help that.
Medication suppresses everything, until now.
Now I'm simply saying whatever I please without thinking about it first.

I've been prone lately to random outburst, the uncontrollable crying has started up again, the hopelessness, the wanting to be alone to suffer.
I've been pushing people away.
No one is spared.

I'm sorry if you're one of the unlucky ones who will come to feel this or have felt this already. I don't mean to behave this way but it's hardwired in me and I don't know how to change that.

In a sense its liberating, to not care about things as much as I used to,
To look towards a future and imagine only me and no one else to be a witness to my demise.

Living that way of course is selfish.
To think that what you do and the manner in which you chose to do things won't affect others because they do.

My Eating Disorder is front row and center to my decline. I've lost weight and I wish I could say that doesn't secretly please me. That it doesn't make me feel like finally something is going my way.
On Thursday I took laxatives after bp.
I didn't take too many but I had an adverse effect to them.
I felt sick the whole night and had no one by my side to call or turn to.
The bottle of pills usually hidden in my home somewhere because my boyfriend has threatened to throw them away if he finds them, sat on the counter. A huge part of me wished to throw them away, but I didn't.
By some miracle I got a call back from the numerous calls I made in fear I was Overdosing.
My boyfriend groggily returned my call.
I confessed my recent drama and he responded with the same "when are you going to stop this.."
I survived the night but barely.

I usually see my boyfriend on Fridays, not all of Friday he comes after 3pm and leaves the next day around that time too.
It never feels like enough to me.
Although I love him dearly, sometimes a part of me hates how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become again for another person.
In typical fashion when he told me he wasn't coming to see me, I tried to break it off with him.
I told him I had too much on my plate right now and something had to give.
Unannounced to me, he showed up anyways as a surprise, thinking it was a funny joke to make me think he wasn't coming over.
When he's around things seem to hurt less.
That safe feeling is addictive.

Now he's gone back home, and my kid with her dad.
The apartment is empty and it's just me and the cats.

I work 11hrs again this week and all I can do is be sad once again and hate everything and everyone.
All I've done these days is decline in my health as I've continued to take laxatives and not eat and just bp.

My ex calls me an hour after picking up my daughter to bitch at me about her appearance.
I washed clothes at the last minute because I've been so weak today I've slept half of the day away.
My uniform and hers still warm from the dryer when he calls to come and pick her up for the week.
My daughter's hair is disheveled and she is full of dirt and smells of food from lunch earlier. I haven't had time to even put the laundry away yet let alone give her or myself a shower for the night.
My ex seems to think as usual that I'm a horrible mother who has her kid as he says and I quote "Abandoned."
I despise that I have to deal with this man still but there you have it.

I'm really stressed out.
I can't begin to even explain what really goes on in my head, what I truly feel right now.
My insecurities from a job I have no idea how to properly do, my hatred of my body, this sickness that demands more than I know how to give it..this sadness from missing a man I love and can only see once a week if I'm lucky because of our schedules, my loneliness in general, being isolated in this house, no friends or means to leave or nowhere to go if I could..and worse off this Depression that wills me to be still and do nothing, to give up.

All of these feelings internalized, wrapped up in a pretty box tucked under my bed or put away in a closet somewhere.

I've been craving tattoos lately, the taste of the needle piercing my skin, that look upon the artist face as he tells me this may hurt and it never does.
I miss the pain of the needle cutting into my flesh. I miss the mutilation.

I've started digging into my skin again looking for things that aren't really there. Wearing my pain on the outside again.

I work with a Pharmacist tomorrow who always has an inappropriate joke to say about Eating Disorders..
Last week it was the Store's occupied bathroom and a customer who had to go, he very lightheartedly tells the customer. "It's some girl in there taking too long, I'm sure she's just throwing up or something."
Minutes later a very skinny woman emerges and I can't help but feel so ashamed of my illness.
To feel like I will be forever ridiculed of Anorexia/Bulimia.

The duality is still in me, the part that fights and the part that doesn't want to.
What am I fighting for again?
I forget.

I'm unhappy to gain and happier to lose.
I've not reached my potential Ed says with a smile.

Life is choices and I'm unsure of the right ones.
What is right anymore.