Thursday, December 6, 2012

Day off

Oh shit am I tired.

So work has been awful this week, I've had my ass handed to me on numerous occasions by colorful customers.
Geesh people without their meds are scary.

There's a Work Christmas Party on Saturday December 15th.
We're to exchange Secret Santa gifts amongst each other.
I can't go.
I have no car or babysitter.
Would I like to go,
Should I go,
Everyone at work gets along pretty well, I'm the new guy so sometimes I feel like I'm still being hazed into this work/sorority or something. I need to join in more on things to fit in better I suppose. Or at least I think so.
I haven't worked in a long time and I feel that reminder everyday I get up and head to work.
I dread it.
I can handle the physical stress of standing on my feet for 11hrs straight, I can even take the mental beat downs customers give me.
I just feel so out of place there. I feel really dumb.
Everyone who works there is college educated, have gone through internships, they've chosen this profession as their main career in life. They know what they're doing because they've prepared for it.
Then here am I, this depressed, anxious, neurotic anorexic who has no idea how to do half of my job properly.
I'm not trained for it, and I'm never going to learn how to do anything because I'm always stuck in Pick up or Drive Thru. I'm hardly in Production or Never in Drop Off.
Everyone else has their place, I don't see them stressed as me because they know it all. They don't have to teach me anything I guess because maybe they assume I should know this already, after all they do, they went to school for this.
Most days the minute I leave work, my feet are throbbing and my chest is tight from anxiety. I pass McDonald's everyday and contemplate going inside and b/p any stress away. Sometimes I just don't want to care anymore.
I feel really tired, and according to some sources, I look it now.
I've been told I'm getting too skinny and look exhausted. I look frail.
I wish I could tell you I care, that I care about myself, but I don't. I can't stand the sight of myself. Ed's right to tell me the truth. "You're fucked girlie, and they all know it. You're in the weeds all by yourself and there you'll stay. Get used to it being just us, it's better that way."
I've lost all of the maintaining weight, I'm back down to my lowest weight this year.
This is the tricky part. The fork in the road.
Do I gain or keep losing?
Left or Right?
Live or Keep slowly dying.

The peeing of blood is not going away. This is the longest I've experienced this symptom.
Maybe my Organs are failing me. I don't know. I can't exactly call up a friend or family member and ask 'Hey remember that month you peed blood..ya how'd that go for you?'
I don't know anyone else who's going through this and can give me advice.
And not the kind of advice I always hear, the if you eat and take care of yourself stuff..I know that part, lord knows I hear it everyday from everyone. The kind of advice that is more sympathetic, the kind that tells me you'll be okay, this happened to me too once and then I did this and it stopped or it gets better etc.
I know I have to eat and all that. I wish it was easy to do but it's not.
I've just had a Granola bar and juice and already I feel full and gross. Ed's already yelling "Get it out, hurry, Wtf are you doing, don't you know what you weigh today, don't self sabotage now, we can go lower girlie, LOWER."
Normal people eat and don't think this way. They think of what to have for lunch or what dessert to eat afterwards.
They don't count every bit of food that goes into their mouths. They don't think days ahead as to what they see themselves eating, maybe.
I don't know how my life turned out so upside down. Maybe I really am stupid.

I'm sorry for all the self loathing talk. Feel free to skip ahead to another Blog.
I internalize everything, I hardly ever really say what it is I'm truly thinking.
It doesn't really matter most days anyways.

My kid has a lot of things due for school, my Ex hasn't been telling me about progress reports or notes being sent home. I wish he would just talk to me sometimes, how can we help her if we can never be on the same page?
Choose your Ex's wisely people, they'll be in your life forever.

My day off and lots to do. I'm never still. I think if I ever stopped and rested, I would have a heart attack and keel over.
Must keep moving!

So here's the To Do List:

*Two book reports due this weekend.
*One Science Project Due this month.
*School Play next Wednesday.
*Replace broken costly Uniform skirt
*Find Holiday Red&White themed costume for school play
*Finish LOTS of online Modules that are a work requirement
*Pay Bills
*Overdue Workout session
*Online Xmas Shopping
*Domestic domicile duties aka "cleaning"
*Relax  never mind this one, there's no time for that.
*Call Insurance Provider
*Post Office

My boyfriend found a clinic for me, he thought may actually take my shit Insurance.
My meds got filled at work, and guess what..
I need a new Insurance Card. December/January are the months where every one's plan changes or stays the same so in the meantime there are a lot of people out there who will go without their meds for a month maybe even two.
I'm one of those people. My Insurance isn't covering them this month.
My Depression meds alone are $84.00
Looks like I'll be all of December med free.
We were just getting the Depression under control, now I'll be off medication Cold Turkey.
I don't know what to expect, how I'll cope.
I'll be going through withdrawals at work. Pfft That's all I need now, to be the Emo girl in the Pharmacy. I already have one coworker asking me if I'm Goth lol. I dress in layers and dark colors, my hair is Platinum Blonde and my nail polish black most times. I tried my best to convince her I don't listen to Marilyn Manson all day, not that there would be anything wrong with that. He's tall, artistic and brilliant, how can you go wrong with that?
I tell her I like all kinds of music, but I'm more Trance junkie-esque to be honest.
Coworker doesn't buy it, keeps saying "Yeah..okay, but it's more like punk rock and stuff right?"

What can I tell you, I was one of those Club Kids you'd see on the Sally Jessy Raphael or Geraldo show..*shrugs*

I hope I don't have any sort of episodes or get all suicidal again.
I have a lot more time to myself and that only encourages me.
Why is it always something.

I'll keep trying to eat something everyday even if I fail miserably and end up purging it. I have to try.
I can't promise anything to anyone, I'm pretty sick and have clouded judgement sometimes. All I can do is have good days where things work out. I'll have a lot of bad days too where nothing works out and everything is bleak.
I'm not perfect, I never said I was.
Ya all knew I was like this from the start, you all got the Memo lol.
Don't go thinking I'll change overnight.
Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

Hope you all are getting through the week, I'm sending you all any positivity I can muster.

At least there's next year right..
Things can't get any worse right? *famous last words*


ruby-tuesday said...

Lou I have so much admiration for you. You are one strong lady, I hope you know that.

I think we are quite similar eating disorder wise, I have anorexia/bulimia and also depression and anxiety, throw in a heroin addiction and I'm quite the messed up girl.

I think you are doing an amazing job, you are working and that is huge, I haven't worked in years and don't know when I will again but hopefully someday

It's futile to tell you to 'look after yourself' in the face of this illness but please stay safe and try not to beat yourself up

Be gentle with you
Be kind to you
You are precious

Sending you faith, hope, courage and a hug x

Jessica le roux said...

Hey sweetheart, I haven't read your blog since 2010, weren't u married? forgive me if I'm wrong.
Yes losing weight is important, but so is your health, and the blood in ur pee u should really have it checked out. is it painful? If so it could be anything from a bad bladder infection to kidney stones. Very bad and will just get worse.
As for the work situation, everyone has their niche, it just takes time to find it. don't beat yourself up. and try and force yourself to go to one of the get togethers, all u need is one great night and they will all eat their hats to get u to go out again. I know because i went through exactly the same thing, then i relocated and all my ex-collegues contact me on a weekly basis cos they miss me.
be strong, u are beautiful and powerful beyond measure.. u can do anything u set ur mind to.
Strongs Liefie

Peridot (G+P) said...

Customers are scary, fulls top!

They should understand the no transport and no babysitter problem. Some of your workmates seem pretty awesome and understanding. (Unlike Ass-stick)

It takes time to settle in to a job. There are always things to learn. DON'T BASH ON YOURSELF. Give yourself time, ok? You're fighting a massive battle that takes a lot of strength, remember that and cut yourself some slack.

Higher education doesn't necessarily make you smarter. In the words of someone from Penn+Teller's Bullshit: "You have to have gone to college to be able say something that stupid"

Learn the areas you're in until they don't stress you out any more, then branch out into another and another. Ask questions! Awkward platitude time: Feeling silly lasts a few minutes, but not knowing lasts forever. Or some shit like that >.<

Are there any other ways besides b/p that help you get rid of after work stress? Would mindless computer games or random dancing help? I don't know, I just vegetate and play games :/ *Is lazy*

I vote live. All the joys of grandparenthood and that kind of crap.

FUCK Ed. "Sabotage" MY HAIRY PALE ASS. Lying weasel-word bullshit motherfucker. MURDEROUS LITTLE ASS-BACKWARDS DOUCHECANNON.

You're not stupid. YOU ARE NOT STUPID.

Insurance thing. . . Oh fuck. Just fuck. *hugs*

You should tell Coworker you like Mindless Self Indulgence's chosen genre. It's 'Industrial Jungle Pussy Punk' or something like. Should shut her up for a bit.

Omg you used to dress like THAT? PURE FREAKIN' WIN!

For your swathes of time to yourself, watch full comedy gigs on youtube like this hilarious guy
And write your book. You haven't talked about it in far too long! 200 words a day, still does wonders and you can clean it all up in editing. Is there anywhere we can read it? Read what you have done? *Wants to read*

I had a look in Milton for sheepskin shoe insoles but there were none. I'm going to trawl the Boxing Day sales for some to put in the box of hello kitty related stuff I've been slowly accumulating for you.

Look after yourself as best you can and don't bash on yourself, ok?

Love you <3