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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Shit or get off the Pot

Conflicted.

I'm tired of eating nothing, drinking Meal Replacement Shakes..
Trying.

Why am I conflicted?
Why do I feel so bad thinking about leaving this all behind, changing, becoming a better person?
Why is Eating such a hassle.
One day I'm okay, most days I'm not.

I want to gain weight, I want to eat again. Sit at a table and chew and digest food.
Why is that so hard?

Maybe I'm fighting against my true Nature.
Is this how Monsters feel when they know how they live is wrong, when they listen to that small voice that tells them to rebel against themselves.

I'm really tired of fighting guys.
I'm tired of trying to do the right thing and made to feel guilty and less of a human being for thinking otherwise.

What's wrong with me.
Why do I want to lose weight and not Stop.
Why does it bring me joy even if just fleeting.

I'm not well.
I don't want things like everyone else.
I don't want to fit in jeans that are more than a size 0 or jiggle in  certain places, I don't want to "fill out."

I feel selfish and sick thinking this way.

I'm prepared for Solace, for a life where everyone gets fed up with me and turns away.
I'm ready, I've always been ready because deep down everyone leaves.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry I don't fight more, I don't want recovery more than Starvation.
I'm not Perfect, I'm not well.

My Insurance is non existent, I have an appointment soon to see my Dr. and get more meds, I'm thinking of asking the Clinic to reassign me my old Therapist since she works with clients with no Insurance, maybe they can help me get her back.
This time I'll be honest and tell her about Ed, tell her I need help.
I need someone to listen to me, to fix me.

This is all wishful thinking, maybe they can't or she's unavailable or who knows what.
I just wish I could be really honest with someone.
I wish there was one person in this world who could just listen and not judge me or have hidden agendas.
I've noticed lots of people who want things from me, or want me in a certain light.
I'm a person not a project.
You can't fix me if you're flawed yourself.

The old shrink thing is my last resort, my attempt.

Dr.'s can't do shit for me, what I have is all in my head.

I'm tired of wearing my pain on the outside.

I'm tired of feeling empty.

3 comments:

ruby-tuesday said...

Lou it breaks my heart to read this and yet I can identify so much

You were the first blog that I ever started reading and I was always struck by how strong you are
You might not feel but it shines out of you
You have been through so much and are dealing with it on a daily basis
You are raising a child
You hold down a job
You run a home
And you have a demanding eating disorder to deal with

I know how it feels to be beaten down by your illness
You feel exhausted
Drained mentally and physically
Everything is an effort
It's no way to live
It's a half life
Like any other addiction it eats away at your soul

I'm in therapy now and she is amazing, I am blessed to have her in my life
I would urge you to seek help
There is a better life out there Lou and you deserve to be happy and well
And I believe that you will get there
I hope I do too

If you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

Stay strong
Keep safe
Keep being your beautiful self

Sending you hope, faith and courage x

Peridot (G+P) said...

Sounds like the disorder trying to keep you in it's clutches so it can force you into a pine box :/

It's hard because you've go a disorder that tells you it's bad, something that has ruled you for so long. You're like Egypt trying to get rid of a corrupt overlord. It's a long, hard fight but the end goal is a worthy one and the battles will be fought and freedom eventually won.

You're not less of a human being for having this disorder or thinking those thoughts. Are people with diabetes or AIDS or paranoid schizophrenia less human because they're sick? HELL NO! And you aren't either.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone is human. You are you and I love you because of who you are. (I will be upset and pissed off if you die before you're a grandma, though. Just saying. I would understand but I would still be gutted)

I hope you can get her back and I hope you can get some help fighting Ed. Reinforcements in a war are always handy, especially when they have access to better tools than we do ourselves.

I've had enough of being treated like someone's fucking charity project myself. The poor little disadvantaged low-self-esteem-girl they parade around to show just how good a christian they are for helping the needy and all that nonsense. All I want from you is for you to be you and to live if that's possible.

Doctors really can't do anything for head-stuff. They're only trained for body-stuff and hopefully for recognising when someone needs help dealing with a munted headspace.

Best of luck with the Old Shrink (I'll be crossing fingers and toes). Remember that you are awesome and that I love you. Take care of yourself as well as you can today, stay warm ok?

If you need a laugh watch this:
http://youtu.be/LJ-KxVjDGGc
(I always lose my shit and start laughing at the 'wiggle wiggle' bit.)

Arohanui and many hugs <3

Anonymous said...

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.