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Thursday, February 21, 2013

Hi..

It's Wednesday and that means time for work.
I called in sick for two days straight. I've been sick but more importantly a depressed mess.
I actually spent all of Tuesday just crying.
I know I have to make myself get out of bed and go to work, I can't hide out anymore.
I feel like utter dookie.
My shower does nothing to wake me up, I am completely drowsy.
I dress in warm clothes, the baggiest shirt I can find in my closet.
I'm tired of looking at myself, I'm tired of Ed's nagging me into shape.
I walk to work and immediately feel like just turning around and crawling back into bed, I want so desperately to call in sick again.
Instead I don't.
I do feel bad, my head is pounding and I'm dizzy.
I get to work on time and head in, I see Stick in the Ass who actually says Good Morning for a change instead of mumbling or saying nothing in return.
My coworker bombards me with questions on how I'm doing today.
I tell her I feel the same, I feel really jittery and dizzy, it's true, my hands are trembling?
She asks me have I eaten anything today?
I don't know why I'm always suspicious of this question, it's an innocent thing to ask but I just feel like I'm walking around wearing a giant Scarlett ED on my bodice.
I guess I feel like this because these are people who are following me on social networks that I post Disordered content on.
I guess I'm waiting for the inevitable awkward explanation.
At work and I take it easy.
I have to put about 6-7 cases of pharmacy Inventory away in addition to my other usual tasks.
Today's is different.
Stick in the Ass actually makes the other two coworkers of mine help me out with customers in the front.
I found that odd.
I don't know if it's because he knows I've been ill or if it's just new policy.
I've had my other Pharmacist say the same thing, "Help her out."
I'm grateful.
In any event, my Tormentor at work is less tormenting today.
I'm actually glad to have missed work on Monday, apparently there was some kind of scandal with a counterfeit $20 bill. It's been non stop topic of conversation all day, it's gone so far as to become a "who done, done it??"
Investigating and deducing of possible suspects even, glad I was not a party or witness to the ordeal; my luck I'd be public enemy #1..
Work on Wednesdays are always good for me, it's a short day and I tend to not work so hard.
There's an online test going around that I have to do, it's a hard long one and one of my coworkers is selling her answers for the right price.
She bargains, another coworker must bake her cupcakes made with Fondant..
I'm asked what will I give her?
Before I could answer she tells me make me cheesecake!
She's a fan of my recipe, to sweeten the deal I tell her I'll get a bootleg copy of The Hobbit.
It's a deal.
The day goes by quick enough and I feel tired.
I'm running on zero food.
I text my Ex to ask if I have to get my kid from school or will he do the honors, he tells me he'll do it and keep her till 4pm.
At 2pm, I clock out of work and head out walking towards the Post office downtown.
I have a parcel to pick up.
It's something sent by a mate of mines across the pond.
The post office is boring, I stand in line ignored for six long minutes before I say something.
The box is square and I have no idea what it is.
It's actually a Vegan Protein shake.
A note attached from my friend that reads "No excuses."
This is a common catch phrase between us.
The powdered Vanilla Rice shake is only 62 calories.
I know this to be safe, so there is no excuse for drinking it.
My daughter comes home awhile later and my Ex tries to speak to me in a friendly tone, I nod my head but to be honest I'm tired of this tedious relationship.
seems like every weekend I'm being punished for having a life again.
My poor daughter caught in the middle.
I make my shake when I get home, its yummy.
It's water based, it's safe.
I get dizzy all of a sudden and my breathing is labored.
It's maybe just anxiety, I don't know.
I promised my daughter we would go for a walk around the neighborhood, but suddenly leaving the house is a big deal, I tell my daughter I'm dizzy and lay down in bed, I tell her to lay down next to me, I'm trying to make sense of this Judas body of mines and it's mood swings.
My sweet daughter and I have contingency plans..she says "Mommy is your sugar low?"
I nod my head breathing heavily.
She turns on Air conditioners and even hands me candy from a bowl in my room that I keep around for that very purpose.
I make her talk to me telling me every single detail about her day until I feel satisfied that I can sit up.
Later we leave and go for a walk.
We end up in Goodwill where I walk around looking at clothes missing the fact I can't fit into things or even wondering if certain clothes would fit me still.
I decide to buy one pair of trousers for work.
They are a size 2.
My inner turmoil is outrageous at the register. I talk myself out of returning the pants..if I don't have them in my possession then its not true, not real. There is no weight gain.
If they fit then it's true.
The gain is real.
I almost chickened out. I wanted to live in denial longer. My kid gets a pair of shoes and we head back home.
I start stripping the minute I close the door behind me in my apt.
The pants!
Omfg.
They fit.
I start to cry immediately.
I haven't had to buy a larger pair of pants in almost two years.
It's real, I've gained weight this year.
Triggering.
I can't get on the Elliptical anymore it's busted.
Instead I go insane and exercise for an hour doing everything else, until I'm drenched in sweat and am panting, gasping for air.
After my shower I stare at my mishapped, jiggly body and hate myself even more.
I don't eat today and it feels great.
I don't want to eat anymore.
I'm picking up my living room and find a fortune from a cookie, It says, "You will be hungry again in an hour.."
I will be Hungry until I die.
I'm drinking some wine and trying to think of a thinner me, a me that isn't a size 2.
I know things could be worse, I actually read something recently someone posted, it said something like "If you call yourself Fat (there is a picture of Thinspo under this caption) then what does that make me?"
The girl responded with an explanation, saying that the one asking the question isn't a Whale or Fat etc.
She feels she is and that's her warped image and no one else's.
So I continue by saying a size 2 is fine for everyone else, but for myself it is not. There is something inside me that refuses to accept that.
Thank you for well wishes and comments, gifts in the mail, concerns.
Support.
I feel alone now, really alone.
I know I'm not, I have wonderful, beautiful people that care about me.
Thank you for that, for caring, for reading.
I'm off of Meds, my copay is $330 since I've reported my earnings.
It's madness but the Insurance companies will have their say.
I wish I could numb this in me but I can't, instead I wake up every morning and try to stay alive the whole day.
If I do, I fall asleep and try to dream of things that aren't my reality.
If God allows me to wake, I get to repeat the day.
It doesn't sound like much of a life and that's because it isn't. My secret hope and wish is that this all gets better somehow.
If I stop believing in that, then I am truly dead.
So that's it, my long update.
I miss you all and promise to do this more.
G'night.

5 comments:

ruby-tuesday said...

Lou I know it's futile to tell you to take care of yourself in the face of this illness but please be safe
I can relate to this post so much
I regained some weight last year and even though I had not yet reached a healthy weight, I still felt huge
I looked for something to blame the gain and decided it must be my meds
So I stopped taking them
Not a great idea but then I've always been a bit nuts when it comes to weight
I also know how triggering it is to lose or to gain
Whenever I don't know what to do I do the opposite of what my eating disorder tells me to do
It's simple and it works

Take care of you Lou
You are too precious to be lost to this cruel illness
Sending you lots of love x

Ellie Belle said...

Feeling alone is hell. I know it wont help much but I am here and I certainly care as do many many others.
I trully hope that things get a bit brighter for you soon.
Elisa

Ellie Belle said...

Feeling alone is hell. I know this doesnt help much but I am here and I certainly care as do many many others.
I hope that a bit of brightness comes your way soon.
Elisa

Ellie Belle said...

Feeling alone is hell. I know this doesnt help much but I am here and I certainly care about you as do many many others.
I hope a bit of brightness comes your way soon.
Elisa

Peridot (G+P) said...

Depression makes it really hard to do even the normal things, but YOU GOT UP AND WENT TO WORK. That is amazing. Seriously. Massive high-fives are owed to you from everyone in Floridia for that!

That question is hard. Are they asking because they're worried about your physical health or are they being Ed-Police? GAH!

Woot! Minor Decent actions from Assstick! Hmm maybe Chatterbox won't call in sick on Saturday? If AssStick is being decent, who knows? If he keeps it up pigs may start flying 0.0

OMFG you have NO IDEA what I'd do for some of your Amazing Noms. Amazing Lou Noms+Hobbit=NIR-FREAKIN'-VANA

Omg I'm so glad that Miss B knows what to do for low sugar! We have 2 diabetics in the Deli, one of which is AwesomeBoss and she has NOT been looking after herself. Not impressed. Do you like chewy lollies or hard lollies? I could add some special NZ candy to the box I've been working on for you and Miss.B :) If you don't want any just tell me what she likes and I'll find a special treat.

I know that cutting the label off won't help, but Ed can fucking STFU coz you are still amazing no matter what your clothing size is.

Those internal double-standards are a fucking asshole. I got challenged on some of mine today by Kerys. Can I just say I fucking hate CBT and how it makes you confront things like that? I know you can't change them without confronting them, but it's an awkward, uncomfortable thing and I don't like awkward and uncomfortable ESPECIALLY when it's trying to make me like myself. I'd rather pat a spider!

*Huggles* It DOES get better. Baby steps, love. They are sometimes all we can take but they add up faster than you think. Surviving another day is a middle finger waved in the face of the brainmonster that tries to pull you down.

Miss you and love you. Take care of yourself as much as you can, ok? You're worth all the love and care in the world <3