What's so bad about that?

                                                                               Mood:Conflicted   

I'm at war with myself.
The scale says 110lbs still,

I believe I'm maintaining. I can't seem to lose weight like I used to. I'm binging now after I've dropped my daughter off at school, its not even 9am yet. I've been non stop since Sunday. I have no idea how I found the willpower to put the brakes on this the first time round. Now it seems impossible. My day consist of preparing meals, eating them, throwing it back up and working out, somewhere in between that oh so busy productivity I manage to be incredibly dizzy and lethargic. The only time I light up is to go back out and get more food. I'm staring at my body and I hate it. I hate the way I look, I feel embarrassed to even let someone else lay eyes on me, I wish I didn't look this way. How will I ever be close to anyone if I self loathe so much?

110lbs is a reasonable weight by all accounts, I look thinner than said weight because I have a boyish figure, no hips at all, no butt. If I were less insane I would maintain this weight and find a way to build muscle to fill the saggy voids which are everywhere. I'm not, the irrational side of me like the ribs that are poking out some, likes the gap between my thighs, likes the collarbone and shoulder blades that protrude.

Those things are not attractive to others, they are to me and there lies the problem. The unhappiness of trying to reach a goal weight is ridiculous.

Why shouldn't I just stay at this weight and be happy? Why do I feel like I have something to prove, like I have to lose all this weight or else?

I'm playing hooky after my shrinks visit on Tuesday, I'm off to see an old friend of mines and just hang out. I'm scared of their reaction to how thin I've gotten, it won't make much of a difference but I'm dying to know how I really look to others since I can't seem to grasp actual perception.

I'm also a little worried about seeing this friend of mines, I don't know how to interact much around people anymore? I don't know what to say if it doesn't concern weight, and I don't want all the focus of my visit to be solely on that. I just got a text this morning from said friend, mentioning a backyard pool and to please pack a bathing suit, oh shit. Did I mention this friend is of the male species?

I'm also nervous about going period, my husband doesn't like this new found freedom I'm trying out, doesn't like me trying to venture out. I hope I don't chicken out and cancel the visit. Or get all antsy and leave early just so I can get home and continue b/p.

 Tuesday seems like such a far away time now..

I'm suppose to redo my resume today, I have to. Someone mentioned a job opening and I desperately need to work.

I hope I can find the time to actually write it in my now busy schedule, Mia has been smothering me non stop.

I have no idea what to do with myself anymore, my inner turmoil is awful, so many voices telling me what to do, I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

All I know is that there aren't many passengers on this train of thought..

                                                                       

Busy

                                                                                       Mood:Drained

I'm exhausted..
Been b/p all day.
Sorry for not blogging, but you know how these things go.
On the plus side..I'm so drained sleep is inevitable tonight.

Chew, Spit Purge Repeat..

I lay quietly in my bed this morning.
It's dark and the room is cold. The cats lay at my feet and any movement I make makes their bodies feel heavier on me.
I've just worked out, 700 crunches and 200 leg lifts, all I could muster myself to do, I'm very tired.
Yesterday I indulged in the ritual until I sat on the couch and my eyes heavy closed on their own.
The workout was forced but necessary.
I've weighed this am and I'm back up to 110.2lbs (congratulations you fat stupid bitch).
I've blown 109.6 completely, I don't know when I'll be able to get back to that weight again.
In the soft bed I lay quietly and listen to my body. My lower abdomen is throbbing, my heart is beating slowly. I can hear the erratic beating, glub, glub, glub. I hold my breath and see if I can hear the precise moment when it will eventually stop beating all together on me.
My jaw hurts from hours of chewing and my knuckles are real sore, getting liquid out meant poking harder than usual, the deep embedded teeth marks are swollen. My nail polish eviscerated.
I can't take my daughter to school, I'm too dizzy and nauseous.
I went to bed at 2am last night, my husband got home early. He walked in on me sitting on the bed, a plastic bag in my lap and in the middle of a binge.
A chew and spit binge, he raises his eyebrow surprised and wondering maybe-now what?
Him being home early meant he brought home food from work, three salads and pasta. I couldn't be happier.
He makes no comment concerning the gross display of "eating" he goes and showers. We watch Mildred Pierce on HBO and later the Food Network.
At one point in the night my husband runs to the store for more Gatorade and a Sports shake, he doesn't like my unusual Vertigo; I start to laugh because it feels scary and good at the same time. I am swaying and not caring.
I feel like a failure and wonder how many more years can I go on like this, I keep waiting for the blackout-nothing yet.
The faucet is dripping on a whole Chicken I have thawing in the sink, I plan to throw it in the Crock pot for dinner tonight. I poke my husband and tell him it's time to get my daughter ready for school.
I'm glad I don't have to go, I don't feel like pretending I feel well today.
I'm looking around and for the first time in a long time can smell the vomit. My house reeks. It smells like rancid milk here.
I have to get up I'm afraid and disinfect the house.
As my daughter is out the door for school I throw the covers and cats off of me and head to the kitchen under the sink for supplies.
I tackle the bathroom first.
I can see my mess.
I never knew I was so messy. The side of the bowl and even the back wall have speckles of vomit. I can see traces of sick everywhere.
Has this always been here, have I always been this blind?
I scrub and scrub and finish in the living room. I wash dishes and check the cupboards.
Time for Inventory, I binged on a lot yesterday.
I c/s on a whole pizza yesterday, that was kinda fun actually considering how hard it would be to purge that anyways. I also went through half a box of cereal.
I need milk today and more cereal. The rest was okay to binge on.
I won't lie and say I don't want to keep going, the added weight makes me mad.
I have to see my therapist tomorrow, I hope I feel better.
I feel like I want to delete my very triggering "friend" from Face Book and my life period. The thing is he wouldn't even know why all the drama, because he doesn't understand me or my disorders.
I would be setting myself up for an explanation I don't have to guts to give yet.
I have to go to the store later with hubby, he wants to buy another coffee maker, I officially broken ours with so much usage lately.
I have a huge headache and am having coffee now. I need to workout so bad later.
I have no idea what the rest of the day will be like for me, I may cave again.
Another C/S session perhaps. Feels better than the actual bringing back up pounds of half chewed ingested food.

The day is long and so seems the fight.
I hope the day isn't too exhausting further, I'm tired of trying sometimes. I feel lonely today, I miss life.
Where did it go, I had a personality once, I had real friends, and people once looked up to me.
Now I'm this, a person who makes themselves sick and enjoys the sight of ribs poking out of their tight top.
My mind has warped, I wonder how much lower can I go?
I hope I never find out.
Stay safe all, I'm off..

Days without Incident..

109.6?

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Here is "Shakey Tours" the video I made earlier. Me as a very lousy Tour Guide lol.
Keep up the good fight, I know it's hard believe me, Mia is not easy to overcome, but never stop trying. Everyday is a battle and sometimes we falter and fail, it's okay, pick yourself up again and start over.
You're not alone!
Best of luck to us all and big hugs and kisses to everyone who never gives up on themselves..

Have a Great Saturday and please stay strong and safe..

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Have a great Friday all-muah!

No bunny knows the future..

                                                                                    Mood:Mania
This morning I awake at 6am and start the day.
I'm in great spirits, looks like the Mania is kicking in full effect. I'm on top of the world. Depression is a thing of the past.
My weight is still at 110lbs but I know I can bring this down, and I will.
Coffee is brewing and supps are taken. I stare at my body today and see all of the problem areas. I start to think about nudity and will I ever feel comfortable enough to let someone else see me. What would they think, would they point out my flaws too?
My daughter is taken to school and I feel great, makeup on my face and 70 degrees outside.
My crush says hello to me and I smile silently back.
I'm tired of mixed signals and so I've decided that desire will stay as just that.
He is not the one for me, not this man. I know there is one out there and the I'll be at 100% when the time comes.
I'm tired of having my time wasted. I'm better than this.

I head back home and actually sleep.
Noon rolls around and I'm poked awake.
My husband tries to touch my face and I turn away. He opts to rub my back instead, he looks at me with sad eyes..
"I'm lonely." he simply states.
Now you know how I feel.
I'm lonely too. I can't bear it.
You're still young, you should find a woman who shares your interest, you should be happy with someone else.
He pleads his case and wishes we would stay together, he wishes I loved him still.
He doesn't understand how much I've changed. How much I've lost because of one affair. Things were stolen from me, my eyes were made aware of how bad men can really be. How they like to take from you, in all aspects.
I'm all grown up now..
He is sorry, that's all he can say.
I want to be happy, my therapist even suggested to me that I meet someone else.
 My husband throws words around like "open marriage"- I disagree.
It's not fair to the one I want to love, that's not life.
It will get easier I assure him, we can be civil.
He cries now because the change is scary, when you've known someone for more than a decade, the gap that awaits seems bigger.
We have ties and bonds, but these things can only hold for so long.
Love is the thing that keeps you going, it is the thing to aspire for and even can save you. That is the most important part of any relationship, once that is gone, there is nothing left. I've checked out of this marriage four years ago, he's just stepped back in. I have nothing to give, I can only be selfish now and want to fix me, fix my damaged soul, lose more weight.
Change.
I want to get better, I want to start again.
Our talk is long and clear, I'm very happy today, nothing he says even brings tears to my eyes. Nothing he says persuades me otherwise, my mind is made up and there it stays, I am a stubborn creature.
I am ready to move on.
So we wait, we will split when I start my meds and find work.
When I am financially capable, he will move out.
"I will always, always be here for you, no matter what you need. I will always be around." he looks at me with certainty, its nice.
I hope I can hold him to this. We shall see.
He knows where I stand and how I feel, there is no other new way to tell him the same thing. It's time to let me go.
He'll be okay, he just has to believe it.
My daughter is home from school and we have a project to do. I'm doing so much today, I feel hyper.
I made her Steak and White rice for dinner, she was all too happy.

So the Make a bunny out of cotton balls project it is..

Yes, not much going on today I'm afraid.
I ate one small banana (100) and had a Vanilla flavored Muscle Milk shake (220), burned 500 calories on the elliptical.
My right Kidney hurts real bad today, hurts to sit and walk. My chest hurts too, It feels like a strain. I hate these aches and pains, makes me think I will drop dead soon!
I feel fat and hate the way I look. I don't know if this ol' body of mines will ever be how I like it. I just want it toned more than anything; tight. I'm losing muscle mass, I hate it.
How can I ever let anyone else see it in this current condition? I look like a blob.
I'll either be too skinny or too fat?
There is no happy medium. Who in the world is going to want me!
Rejection is awful, it's the thing I loathe the most.
I could point out so many things that need fixing, it feels like its taking forever to change. Why can't I see progress, why can't I see what I want. Disordered vision clouds me, I can't trust what I see.
Will I ever be happy with this body, any weight?
I think not.