Monday, April 11, 2011

Chew, Spit Purge Repeat..

I lay quietly in my bed this morning.
It's dark and the room is cold. The cats lay at my feet and any movement I make makes their bodies feel heavier on me.
I've just worked out, 700 crunches and 200 leg lifts, all I could muster myself to do, I'm very tired.
Yesterday I indulged in the ritual until I sat on the couch and my eyes heavy closed on their own.
The workout was forced but necessary.
I've weighed this am and I'm back up to 110.2lbs (congratulations you fat stupid bitch).
I've blown 109.6 completely, I don't know when I'll be able to get back to that weight again.
In the soft bed I lay quietly and listen to my body. My lower abdomen is throbbing, my heart is beating slowly. I can hear the erratic beating, glub, glub, glub. I hold my breath and see if I can hear the precise moment when it will eventually stop beating all together on me.
My jaw hurts from hours of chewing and my knuckles are real sore, getting liquid out meant poking harder than usual, the deep embedded teeth marks are swollen. My nail polish eviscerated.
I can't take my daughter to school, I'm too dizzy and nauseous.
I went to bed at 2am last night, my husband got home early. He walked in on me sitting on the bed, a plastic bag in my lap and in the middle of a binge.
A chew and spit binge, he raises his eyebrow surprised and wondering maybe-now what?
Him being home early meant he brought home food from work, three salads and pasta. I couldn't be happier.
He makes no comment concerning the gross display of "eating" he goes and showers. We watch Mildred Pierce on HBO and later the Food Network.
At one point in the night my husband runs to the store for more Gatorade and a Sports shake, he doesn't like my unusual Vertigo; I start to laugh because it feels scary and good at the same time. I am swaying and not caring.
I feel like a failure and wonder how many more years can I go on like this, I keep waiting for the blackout-nothing yet.
The faucet is dripping on a whole Chicken I have thawing in the sink, I plan to throw it in the Crock pot for dinner tonight. I poke my husband and tell him it's time to get my daughter ready for school.
I'm glad I don't have to go, I don't feel like pretending I feel well today.
I'm looking around and for the first time in a long time can smell the vomit. My house reeks. It smells like rancid milk here.
I have to get up I'm afraid and disinfect the house.
As my daughter is out the door for school I throw the covers and cats off of me and head to the kitchen under the sink for supplies.
I tackle the bathroom first.
I can see my mess.
I never knew I was so messy. The side of the bowl and even the back wall have speckles of vomit. I can see traces of sick everywhere.
Has this always been here, have I always been this blind?
I scrub and scrub and finish in the living room. I wash dishes and check the cupboards.
Time for Inventory, I binged on a lot yesterday.
I c/s on a whole pizza yesterday, that was kinda fun actually considering how hard it would be to purge that anyways. I also went through half a box of cereal.
I need milk today and more cereal. The rest was okay to binge on.
I won't lie and say I don't want to keep going, the added weight makes me mad.
I have to see my therapist tomorrow, I hope I feel better.
I feel like I want to delete my very triggering "friend" from Face Book and my life period. The thing is he wouldn't even know why all the drama, because he doesn't understand me or my disorders.
I would be setting myself up for an explanation I don't have to guts to give yet.
I have to go to the store later with hubby, he wants to buy another coffee maker, I officially broken ours with so much usage lately.
I have a huge headache and am having coffee now. I need to workout so bad later.
I have no idea what the rest of the day will be like for me, I may cave again.
Another C/S session perhaps. Feels better than the actual bringing back up pounds of half chewed ingested food.

The day is long and so seems the fight.
I hope the day isn't too exhausting further, I'm tired of trying sometimes. I feel lonely today, I miss life.
Where did it go, I had a personality once, I had real friends, and people once looked up to me.
Now I'm this, a person who makes themselves sick and enjoys the sight of ribs poking out of their tight top.
My mind has warped, I wonder how much lower can I go?
I hope I never find out.
Stay safe all, I'm off..


Mich said...

This disease does suck our lives away, a little bit at a time. I feel just like you said--I used to go out all the time, with different friends to different places like every weekend. Now I hide at home because I'm too scared to go anywhere near people, or food. :/

We'll get it back. <3


Peridot (G+P) said...

Delete him and tell him you did coz he's being a prat. Or say it was an 'accident' and 'forget' to re-friend him?

You'll be back at 109.6 next week if you can dodge the binge-demon. I'll throw some distractifying canvas in the mail after knitting squad tomorrow. Hopefully that will help you when it gets there. Lol, paint me an Entilodont? Hell Pigs are plenty distractifying :p

Sending you love and wishes for a better day tomorrow. I hope your Therapist can help you get the moods sorted so the binge-urge abates. Arohanui!