Thursday, April 14, 2011

What's so bad about that?


I'm at war with myself.
The scale says 110lbs still,

I believe I'm maintaining. I can't seem to lose weight like I used to. I'm binging now after I've dropped my daughter off at school, its not even 9am yet. I've been non stop since Sunday. I have no idea how I found the willpower to put the brakes on this the first time round. Now it seems impossible. My day consist of preparing meals, eating them, throwing it back up and working out, somewhere in between that oh so busy productivity I manage to be incredibly dizzy and lethargic. The only time I light up is to go back out and get more food. I'm staring at my body and I hate it. I hate the way I look, I feel embarrassed to even let someone else lay eyes on me, I wish I didn't look this way. How will I ever be close to anyone if I self loathe so much?
110lbs is a reasonable weight by all accounts, I look thinner than said weight because I have a boyish figure, no hips at all, no butt. If I were less insane I would maintain this weight and find a way to build muscle to fill the saggy voids which are everywhere. I'm not, the irrational side of me like the ribs that are poking out some, likes the gap between my thighs, likes the collarbone and shoulder blades that protrude.
Those things are not attractive to others, they are to me and there lies the problem. The unhappiness of trying to reach a goal weight is ridiculous.
Why shouldn't I just stay at this weight and be happy? Why do I feel like I have something to prove, like I have to lose all this weight or else?
I'm playing hooky after my shrinks visit on Tuesday, I'm off to see an old friend of mines and just hang out. I'm scared of their reaction to how thin I've gotten, it won't make much of a difference but I'm dying to know how I really look to others since I can't seem to grasp actual perception.
I'm also a little worried about seeing this friend of mines, I don't know how to interact much around people anymore? I don't know what to say if it doesn't concern weight, and I don't want all the focus of my visit to be solely on that. I just got a text this morning from said friend, mentioning a backyard pool and to please pack a bathing suit, oh shit. Did I mention this friend is of the male species?
I'm also nervous about going period, my husband doesn't like this new found freedom I'm trying out, doesn't like me trying to venture out. I hope I don't chicken out and cancel the visit. Or get all antsy and leave early just so I can get home and continue b/p.
 Tuesday seems like such a far away time now..

I'm suppose to redo my resume today, I have to. Someone mentioned a job opening and I desperately need to work.
I hope I can find the time to actually write it in my now busy schedule, Mia has been smothering me non stop.
I have no idea what to do with myself anymore, my inner turmoil is awful, so many voices telling me what to do, I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
All I know is that there aren't many passengers on this train of thought..


A said...

I'm sorry about the binging & purging.. That's the worst ): I hope you can some good work outs in though! & you should def go to the pool party, great motivation! Stay strong.