Thursday, April 7, 2011

No bunny knows the future..

This morning I awake at 6am and start the day.
I'm in great spirits, looks like the Mania is kicking in full effect. I'm on top of the world. Depression is a thing of the past.
My weight is still at 110lbs but I know I can bring this down, and I will.
Coffee is brewing and supps are taken. I stare at my body today and see all of the problem areas. I start to think about nudity and will I ever feel comfortable enough to let someone else see me. What would they think, would they point out my flaws too?
My daughter is taken to school and I feel great, makeup on my face and 70 degrees outside.
My crush says hello to me and I smile silently back.
I'm tired of mixed signals and so I've decided that desire will stay as just that.
He is not the one for me, not this man. I know there is one out there and the I'll be at 100% when the time comes.
I'm tired of having my time wasted. I'm better than this.

I head back home and actually sleep.
Noon rolls around and I'm poked awake.
My husband tries to touch my face and I turn away. He opts to rub my back instead, he looks at me with sad eyes..
"I'm lonely." he simply states.
Now you know how I feel.
I'm lonely too. I can't bear it.
You're still young, you should find a woman who shares your interest, you should be happy with someone else.
He pleads his case and wishes we would stay together, he wishes I loved him still.
He doesn't understand how much I've changed. How much I've lost because of one affair. Things were stolen from me, my eyes were made aware of how bad men can really be. How they like to take from you, in all aspects.
I'm all grown up now..
He is sorry, that's all he can say.
I want to be happy, my therapist even suggested to me that I meet someone else.
 My husband throws words around like "open marriage"- I disagree.
It's not fair to the one I want to love, that's not life.
It will get easier I assure him, we can be civil.
He cries now because the change is scary, when you've known someone for more than a decade, the gap that awaits seems bigger.
We have ties and bonds, but these things can only hold for so long.
Love is the thing that keeps you going, it is the thing to aspire for and even can save you. That is the most important part of any relationship, once that is gone, there is nothing left. I've checked out of this marriage four years ago, he's just stepped back in. I have nothing to give, I can only be selfish now and want to fix me, fix my damaged soul, lose more weight.
I want to get better, I want to start again.
Our talk is long and clear, I'm very happy today, nothing he says even brings tears to my eyes. Nothing he says persuades me otherwise, my mind is made up and there it stays, I am a stubborn creature.
I am ready to move on.
So we wait, we will split when I start my meds and find work.
When I am financially capable, he will move out.
"I will always, always be here for you, no matter what you need. I will always be around." he looks at me with certainty, its nice.
I hope I can hold him to this. We shall see.
He knows where I stand and how I feel, there is no other new way to tell him the same thing. It's time to let me go.
He'll be okay, he just has to believe it.
My daughter is home from school and we have a project to do. I'm doing so much today, I feel hyper.
I made her Steak and White rice for dinner, she was all too happy.

So the Make a bunny out of cotton balls project it is..

Yes, not much going on today I'm afraid.
I ate one small banana (100) and had a Vanilla flavored Muscle Milk shake (220), burned 500 calories on the elliptical.
My right Kidney hurts real bad today, hurts to sit and walk. My chest hurts too, It feels like a strain. I hate these aches and pains, makes me think I will drop dead soon!
I feel fat and hate the way I look. I don't know if this ol' body of mines will ever be how I like it. I just want it toned more than anything; tight. I'm losing muscle mass, I hate it.
How can I ever let anyone else see it in this current condition? I look like a blob.
I'll either be too skinny or too fat?
There is no happy medium. Who in the world is going to want me!
Rejection is awful, it's the thing I loathe the most.
I could point out so many things that need fixing, it feels like its taking forever to change. Why can't I see progress, why can't I see what I want. Disordered vision clouds me, I can't trust what I see.
Will I ever be happy with this body, any weight?
I think not.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Low-calories diets make you lose at least as much muscle as fat. You're gonna need to do some resistance or weight training so you don't end up 'Skinny-Fat' girl! You can make your own weights at home. Empty powerade bottles full of water or sand. Biff 'em on your scale to see how much they weigh :)

ZOMG KYOOT BUNNEH!! Lol, almost makes me feel guilty for all the bunnies I've helped slaughter over the years. . . Whatever, they're a pest species and they taste gooood!

Yay for feeling happy and also for sticking to your guns. You're perfectly entitled to put getting sane first. Wanting to get better and heal yourself is NOT selfish.


P.S. My capcha is "Louscurb" WTF?!?

Mithril said...

Lou you are a wonderful woman. I just know you'll find a man who will love you for your strong and loving personality and your intelligence! And you're not nearly as ugly as you think you are. But I know it's impossible to see that in the mirror.
I hope you'll get some help from therapy, you inspired me to look for a therapist too. And I'm glad you feel so strong and happy today, keep that up girl! x

Mich said...

Have you tried cutting out carbs and upping your protein intake? That way you'll be building more muscle as you work out, so you'll tone up.

I think you're making the right decisions with your husband. You sound like you've been ready to move on for a while, and you seem like you've accepted that. That's not an easy thing to do, but in the end probably the best thing for both of you. <3

That bunny is super cute!!! I hope you hung it up on your fridge.