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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Enough

Monday was my appointment with Dr. Jerkoff.
I woke up late and fighting a huge headache already.
In the bathroom and I stare at my naked body in the mirror for what seems like hours, the scale is tucked behind the bathroom sink, I told myself I would not weigh today no matter what, the curiosity is killing me but I manage to resist. I shower and scrub my body profusely until my flesh is bright pink.
My face suffers the worst of this OCD of mines, lately the stress rash has been sticking around, and now an old and nasty behavior which I may bring up with my shrink..
Ladies and Gents I'm a "picker."
What the heck is that you say?
Well in the most of stressful situations I pick at my skin, any bumps on my arms, or face, I pick until it bleeds, until I feel satisfaction. It makes me feel better sometimes..
My face looks really bad, the left side has been getting the brunt of it all this week..
Come to think of it, my left arm takes it too, hmm wonder why always the left?
I think I may need to mention this with my shrink, I can't seem to stop myself lately, this behavior is lingering longer than usual..
I haven't dyed my roots yet, the unopened bleaching kit sits in the bathroom.
I haven't shaved my legs either, or even attempted a mani/pedi, I've given up on my appearance kinda. Not that it was so grad before, I guess the depression has taken a weird turn, evolved maybe?
The housework gets done, late, very late.
I don't even cook anymore, definitely no baking. I spend my days crying and sleeping or just exclusively talking to The Boy.
My sweet Boy, I'm crazy about him, he brings me both Joy and Sadness.
Joy because he is sincere and honest, I never have to question how he feels about me because he tells me all the time, he makes himself available to me all day long. He makes me feel desired and hopeful. I only wish we lived closer, that's the sadness, the great divide of ours. I'm trying not to rush anything and just let things work themselves out.
I figure if its meant to be somehow it will happen.
Heck Happy Tuesday was like that, we spoke everyday online, phone, cam, for a complete year before finally seeing each other this year and finally sleeping together. So that gives me some kind of hope with The Boy, he is incredibly patient at least and super hopeful.
Speaking of Happy Tuesday, its awkward between us now, we hardly speak anymore, its civil when we do and not even PG-13, total G rating at best!
My feelings for him have diminished considerably, I'm glad for that, I'm too smitten with The Boy, he gives me butterflies, Happy Tuesday never did that to me before.
When I think of The Boy I don't imagine the ED too, I actually picture the opposite, I imagine no Eating Disorder, I picture a normal existence. I want that so bad, I hope and pray that it will happen for me one day.
So..
No weight check on Monday at all so far, last known *deep sigh* 108.9
I feel okay with that weight, as long as I can yo-yo enough to not go under 100 or over 115 even, I'm okay.
115lbs, I've told myself that is an acceptable weight, its okay and I won't go ape shit if I was ever to reach that weight.
I need to coax myself into what "normal" is, its the only way the ED won't kill me. Its the only way I can fight back and regain some kind of life.
My car is not ready and so my husband drops me off to the Dr.s,
I make the mistake of taking a whole Clonazepam instead of a half with my Wellbutrin. In the waiting room , I feel incredibly sleepy, the yawning never ceases.
I don't like the drowsy feeling, I haven't eaten all day and its already noon, I'm starving and thirsty.
Well I have no choice, my arch nemesis The Empanada Man makes an appearance and I give in, I buy bottled water and a Chicken Empanada.



The evil pastry tastes amazing, I eat it slowly and don't care who is staring at me, incredibly enough the food does the trick and  the sleepy feeling leaves me some.
Finally I'm called and I dread what's to come.
Dr. Jerkoff starts to ask me how I've been, I proceed to tell him about the new Depression and that I think upping my dosage may help me some.
This asshole begins to scold me about Medication and how its not a magic cure (NO SHIT Sherlock), I can only stare at this idiot with glazed over eyes.
Then it gets worse, he begins to tell me that I need to cheer up and blah blah blah, the same shit, the nerve of this dickhead, he knows nothing of my case, why I'm depressed, I wish he would just shut up and give me my pills!
Finally he agrees to up my dosage and tells me that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me, cheer up, go see a concert or go to a disco, I tune him out and shake my head, what a foreskin fool.
Now I need to get a appointment, I will see him again in October.
The office where I head is closed, "Jorge" is gone off to lunch.
I'm in no mood, Dr. Jerkoff left me feeling awful, he makes me feel like the depression is my fault, like I chose to be this way. I just want to go home an get under the covers.



I wait for thirty minutes before my appointment card is finally given to me.
Outside its raining, good, that makes me somewhat happy.


After I'm picked up, I head straight to CVS, and get this, my new upped dosage prescription cannot be filled, I can pick it up at the end of August.
Why?
Well because my Wellbutrin was just filled last week so I can't have too many pills apparently.
I feel depressed but am unable to do anything about it except endure.
It's my sister's birthday today also, great more fuel for the fire.
I can't wish her a happy birthday, we're still on non speaking terms.
The rest of the day is spent being forced to cook and watching movies. The Boy is at work and chats with me on his break.
I end up in bed at 2am, The Boy too. His last words to me were that he was saving to get his own apartment, he even asked me if I could ever see us living together. I said sure. Doesn't hurt to imagine. I sleep with a smile on my face picturing what that could be like.

Tuesday now and no shrink today, my lovely therapist took Monday and Tuesday off to get her Back To School shopping done. She told me that I could see her sometime this week if I needed her but I don't so I won't. Instead I see my Case Manager today and the woman makes me cry. All my paperwork for housing is signed and delivered.
In addition to that she brings me and my daughter a large bag full of clothes and toys.
She actually brings me clothes in the smallest size she could find, my husband actually thought that all the clothes in the bag were for my daughter.
I 'm incredibly grateful and thank her to no end.
She blushes and tells me she has to go, more clients to see.
I feel blessed, God always puts people in my way to help.
The Boy if off today and  the car is ready. I head to pick it up and then head to my favorite strip mall to find my Bikini.
Hooray I've found a nice black string one. Maybe sometime this week I'll post a pic.
The day is rainy and I love it.


I'm back home and heating up leftovers for the family. Coffee and sunflower seeds for me, a workout later and then Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef tonight.
More Big Brother later lol.
The Boy says I have a problem, I think not!
Here is my current Thinspo
Danielle Donato from Big Brother season 8 and now she's back on Season 13..
I can't stop staring at her thin frame and wishing that I could look like this.








6 comments:

Sam said...

When you mentioned Daielle earlier I went to go check her out and before I knew it I was addicted to the show. I stayed up watching 9 hours of season eight! What have you got me into. lol So why did she come back for season 13? I may just find myself watching that season too.

Sam

LoliClown said...

I just came across your blog last night and found it very interesting. (I'm new to blogger.) Anyways, I've been in a similar situation with my psychiatrist before. He told me that I needed to cheer up and go do something with my life, and made me feel worse about myself. So I stopped seeing him, and now I left without a psychiatrist, and am searching for a new one. -I understand what you're going through, and I know it's very tough sometimes, but hope you can find happiness sweetheart.

EmptyShell said...

Your psychiatrist is an asshole. Who tells someone with depression to cheer up. I love the term 'foreskin fool' by the way.

I know when my depression took a turn for the worse it led to me not taking care of myself. Be careful. I've found those habits to be some of the hardest to break.

On of my best friends is a picker and a hair puller. If you are finding it is all on the left side it's probably because you are right handed.

I'm glad the boy is giving you something positive to imagine for the future. You need it right now and he was always my favorite of the three anyways.

Peridot (G+P) said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GIK-4Tawc0

^This is the version from one of his concerts that I have on my lappy. I dedicate it to your useless twat of a doctor. If we could just 'cheer up' and 'snap out of it' I wouldn't have spent 20/24 hours yesterday wondering if I could pull off a cats' cradle with my own intestines before passing out from bloodloss.

Tim is a god. I would have his illegitimate lust-children.

Good idea to coax yourself towards "normality", whatever that is XD Posh Spice may look good in clothes, but I bet her hubby runs a mile when she strips off! Miles has intimated great unhappiness if I ever lose my tits. The slacklines we must balance upon.

Love you <3

Mich said...

I pick as well. I've managed to isolate it to my hands, but it's awful--the skin around my nails is always cracked and bleeding and gross. :(

And I'm sorry, but DOES THAT DOUCHEBAG DOCTOR REALLY THINK YOU'D BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU COULD JUST "CHEER UP"?!?!?? You're very ladylike for not getting violent. I think I would have spit in his face. :D

Boy sounds lovely.

I love the rain, too! Everyone thinks I'm weird for that.

xoxoxo

Dani said...

i picked too so ur not alone there i hatem yface im always picking at it and its worse now since i cant cut damn
hang in there hun