Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Ya know..

So Monday I did the job search thing, first stop Sprint Mobile store.

I applied and it looks promising, the only thing is they work off of commissions..let's see what happens.
I get home from a long day of searching and then have to cook dinner, homework with my kid, clean up, workout and after all of that, I feel like I'm about to collapse.
This is getting hard, everyday is hard, I am constantly tired and its addicting, the not eating.
I like that I can resist now, it makes me sad and cry but I do it and I like it. I don't want food, I don't want to eat.
I talk to The Boy last night and tell him that I feel tired, I feel faint.
He asks me if I've been eating and I say NO.
He asks me if I'm going to tell my therapist about this loss of appetite in which I respond yes.
I ask him if hypothetically I was diagnosed as Anorexic or having an Eating Disorder what would he think of me?
He said he would think no less of me, no judgements. His only concern is that I eat something and try to not hurt myself.
So I think I kinda sorta came out to him maybe?
I went to bed early, I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

Therapy today and I feel like I'm about to fall asleep behind the wheel as I'm driving.
I head upstairs cold and dizzy, so dizzy took the elevator instead of the usual stairs. I have a small bag of sour gummy bears in my purse, bag says fat free 120 calories.
I start to eat them to feel better and notice the waiting room has a new TV on the wall where a horrible painting of a seaside marina once was.
Of course the TV is showing nothing but cooking shows.

My shrink arrives early and tells me her new office is downstairs today, She gives me a double take as I get up from my chair.
In her new office, she doesn't even wait for me to sit down before getting on for losing weight.
"Why are you so skinny? are you okay, how can you lose so much from the last time I saw you?"
I want to tell her and I almost do.
I begin to..
Suddenly an interruption, several as a matter of fact.
Downstairs offices are dangerous and noisy, as a matter of fact the whole downstairs area is. That's where all the crazies roam.
So the 1st action was crazy woman#1 who bumped into someone by mistake and didn't apologize, so crazy lady#2 went batshit and Code 17 was called on every speaker and phone line in each office.
Code 17 is the Crisis Team, the men in white ironed uniforms who come very quickly and haul you away to lockup for 48hrs..
Second Interruption was a man who couldn't see his Dr. today and had no more refills. He made a scene and threw himself against the walls near the office I was in. More Codes shouted and pitter patter of squeaky shoes come along and take him away.
Third Interruption was a woman in the hall outside our office who was sobbing uncontrollably because her insurance wouldn't cover her meds or treatment anymore.
Code 17!
Bye bye..
The last interruption was a Manila folder shoved under the shrinks door that said Confidential, a new patient.
Finally after all that was done, we started talking about my week. I told her about my Child Support appointment next week, my failed housing Inspection, my niece moving out of Town, and finally I showed her my resume.
The resume my shrink liked but had a few notes on, so she decided to send me an email with suggestions, she then said to fix it and email it back so she can make copies for me. I think its great that she's doing this for me.
So then she brought the question of my weight loss back up and I told her that I feel as though my life is outta my hands, at a standstill. I have no control over what is happening. I've not been eating because I feel no need to, not hungry and focusing on my body is the one thing that I can do, that I have a say in.
She takes this all in.
She tells me to eat every 3hrs (!!) that I need to be healthy and safe, that she can understand how I feel but I'm trying to go for a change now, and feeling weak and no energy is not going to help me at all.
Our session ends and I agree to it.
On my Drive home it starts to rain really hard, puddles of water are everywhere. The car in front of me is purposely splashing people on the sidewalks. Its funny to look at from my view.
I had to do it one time myself, I managed to splash a group of unfortunates at a bustop. It actually puts a smile on my face doing so.

On the drive home my Case Manager calls to tell me that she's stopping by this week for a visit.
I feel tired heading up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. I tell my husband that we have to head to my daughter's school and make arraignments for next week's court date. She has to be at the school at 7am sharp for something called "Before School Care."
Our Court Date in front of the judge is mandatory and no kid's are allowed in the courtroom so seeing as we have no other person to depend on, we have to leave her earlier than usual that day at school. Everything settled and it all seemed like a cinch for once.
We are near Publix and there is an hour to kill before picking my kid up officially from school. I suggest we head to Publix so I can apply for a job there. They don't have an online application, and you have to apply directly at the store kiosk. Stupid if you ask me..
So I apply.
As I'm about twenty minutes into this long process of applying for work everything around me starts to mute and go dark, I yell for my husband who catches me just in time before I hit the ground.
I couldn't even finish my application.
I tell him to take me to the car, I need to sit down immediately. My husband's face is as pale as mine and he has no idea what to do with me. We sit in my car and as it happens its time to get my daughter from school.
In the Parking lot waiting for her class to come out, my husband breaks down in the driver's seat.
"You're so miserable, its all my fault, everything is my fault." He sobs and doesn't look at me.
I tell him that its the past, and that I don't know what's happening to me anymore. The only explanation I can give is this, the more miserable I am, the more I hurt myself, the more I hurt myself, the more miserable I feel. Its a vicious cycle and I don't know how to stop. I think I will die if I keep going down this road, and I care but I also don't.
The drive home is silent, we head to CVS to check on my prescription that's due and to rack up on Gatorade for me.
My Script will be ready at 5pm.
At home I drink till I'm stuffed and eat a banana.
I go to the bathroom and lift my shirt to check how large my stomach had distended. I start to cry and feel like a whale. I start the skin picking again, my face had finally cleared some since promising my shrink last week that I wouldn't do it anymore. I get dizzy standing and staring at myface finding spots and things that aren't there and picking them off untill I'm red all over and puffy.
I get so distraught I have to take half an anxiety pill to calm down.
Its almost time to get my meds and I suggest we go walking (2miles) to go get it.
It starts to rain but that doesn't stop us. I want to burn off whatever is in now. So we walk and I feel better along the way. I also am freezing!

At CVS and the shit has hit the fan, the pharmacy technician tells me that my Insurance is no longer paying for prescriptions written by Dr. Jerkoff!
I need my Wellbutrin, I'm out completely. I ask how much are the pills cash and of course its along the lines of 40$
I'm pissed and my husband agrees to pay for it in the meantime till everything gets sorted.
So I call my Case Manager and she explains to me that Dr.Jerkoff is having too many complaints and they might be giving him the boot soon. She told me to head back to the clinic tomorrow and explain what just happened. See if the new Dr. I want or whoever is available will transfer me to their patient list.
I'm not happy. I feel like crying.
So I'm going to have to waste a whole day sorting this out.
The walk home I'm not happy and get comments from strangers to smile..wish they mind their dam business.
My husband is spent from the long hellish day I put him through. He needs to drink and soon so our last stop is the liquor store before returning home.

Finally home and I eat another banana, I feel awful and fat. My husband can't understand why food is doing this to me, why it has such a life of its own and a domination?
I tried to explain further and sound foolish in doing so.
I give up explaining.
Tomorrow I have to restrict like crazy and workout the minute I get up and get home.
My sweet Boy is online and concerned about my fainting spell. He tells me to eat, to be okay.
I wish I could, I won't even try to explain to him, I can't he won't understand.
Instead we swap resumes, laugh and continue talking about a future where we both live under the same roof and how nice it would be.
How he just wants to be with me no matter what, he dreams about me and wishes I was there everyday.
His sweet words are a temporary escape from Ed and all its bullshit.
So now I'm off to shower and go to bed, I'm really tired and tomorrow is another long day full of surprises.
Feel better everyone, I can see some of you are going through a lot yourselves.
I love you all and wish that we could just all be happy, whatever that Taboo word even means..


Jenn said...

ohhhhhhhh my baby girl!! YUKKY day, so sorry :-(
Please DO what your therapist said about eat every 3 hours. even just the tiniest bit: 5 almonds, 2 ritz crackers, cheese stick, spoon of peanut butter, banana (but don't live off them!), fruit roll up, raisins, 1/2 hard boiled egg... PLEASE OK.

It's so true you feel totally like you have no control over anything so you're hyper-controlling what you can by not eating. You are the biggest winner if you can balance that with eating every three hours like she said, but just the tiniest bit. Can you try please?

LoliClown said...

Aw, you poor girl. I faint constantly, and I never get used to it. It can be very scary! If you must eat, consume things with potassium in them. Bananas are a good start. I hope things look up for you. <3

Does It Even Matter said...


Anonymous said...

that feeling that no one gets it is the worst. Thats awful a fainting spell, and in public ! sux major ,ikr some people need 2 mind their own buisness and let us pout!!!!
stay strong hunny xoxo

Peridot (G+P) said...


Also: YES every 3 hours. That's the timing for snackage to keep your metabolism MOVING and stop it from crawling to a standstill.

Hmmm, tell him food has become like pot or booze- a means of dulling pain-an escape-an addictive illusory form of control over your life.

I'm glad that Dr Jerkoff McFuckface is getting the sack, but I WISH they'd found a way of doing it that doesn't fuck with his patients!

Dear Ed,
If Lou has just chugged an assload of water and distended her stomach DO NOT feed her lies and BS and say it's fat when it is simply overinflated with water. You're a total fucking dickhead.

Something tasty to try: Slice up a banana or apple, sprinkle it with cinnamon and then put .5cup of low-fat vanilla flavoured yoghurt on it. It's my low-cal brekkie of choice when I'm too lazy to cook porridge :x (The cinnamon also helps block sugar absorption, it's not just a good taste!)