Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Giddy School Girl?
Monday and its the first day of school.
The night before was spent talking late with The Boy and even Happy Tuesday. I've prepped all the school supplies and set the alarm to that familiar time of 6am.
I wake up be fore the alarm goes off and the familiar feeling from before are coming back to me, it feels good to wake up early and do exercises. I don't feel pudgy today.
I feel accomplished, I shower and wake up my daughter.
Her new haircut from Sunday suits her well, I'm glad we didn't stay long at the baby shower, we would have been tired. The morning is starting off on time, after half an hour and breakfast served at my daughter's small Winnie the Pooh themed table, my Husband wakes up. He doesn't want to miss the first day of school.
I'm still a little queasy in the morning and take only my meds and vitamins.
The scale says 105lbs this morning and I'm in shock. I haven't been this low in awhile and I hate how randomly it happened without me killing myself to achieve it.
I've missed three workouts this week so I can only assume its muscle mass I'm losing, that doesn't make me happy. I've worked very hard lately I don't want to revert back to just being bone and skin. I have to start working out more and building the muscle back up this week. I was starting to like the definition and toning lately.
At 8am sharp the three of us head out into the morning traffic in my little yellow bug.
There is no parking anywhere and hoards of parents and children everywhere. I have to park two whole blocks away from the school. My daughter is excited and nervous at the same time, I am too, I hope I don't cry.
Yes I joke about her being in school and finally having some peace in the house but the truth of the matter is, that's my baby and I don't ever want to be away from her, she's the one person who can make me smile and feel better when I'm not.
I don't see my Crush at his usual post, instead someone new there instead, and also a new employee at the front door inspecting the student's uniforms as they enter the building.We were warned this year that the school would be coming down hard on Uniform Policies. I can see now what they meant. I wonder what happened to my Crush. I saw him only once during the summer, I wonder if he no longer works here or if the chaos of the first day has him posted elsewhere?
My daughter and I hold hands and head to her classroom. My husband is happy and I can already see his eyes getting glossy. It surprises me how sentimental he has become these past years, and how hard I've become, the roles have reversed. I'm no longer sugar and spice and everything nice..
"She looks mean." he whispers to me as we search for my daughter's desk.
No I tell him, she looks tough, I like that, means that some work will get done around here. I think she'll show the baby alot of new things.
My daughter's desk is all the way at the very front of the classroom by the chalkboard. I love this, she will soak up all the new information first.
There are a lot of parents coaxing their kids and reassuring them that everything will be okay. I pity these parents. I think they are damaging the kids that way, its best to always just pull the band aid off in one swift yank then slowly. It won't lessen the pain.
My daughter is quiet at first and I can tell she's nervous but after eyeing three former kindergarten classmates she loosens up and waves frantically at them. She's settled in then. Kisses and hugs are given and it's time to go and leave her be. My husband is sad and I am too but I don't cry just yet, I'll save that for later in the shower.
At home now and my husband gets a call from work, they want him to go in on his day off, he asks me what should he do?
Part of me says yes please go and don't come back, but I tell him to do what feels right, I have other things on my mind.
I have an Inspection of the apartment today and have no time to spare.
He decides to stay home. I defrost ground beef in the sink and my husband naps on the couch. The Boy is online and I'm occupied talking to him and waiting on the inspector. After an hour of this he finally arrives with a checklist and all is well in my roach infested studio. Everything is ignored. I can only guess he doesn't care and caring would take up too much time and paperwork.
I get dinner started and my daughter is picked up from school and so the day begins, homework, dinner working out and movies from the DVR.
The routine is back on.
Tuesday now and I head to therapy and spill the beans about the week.
My therapist is trying to help me learn how to defend myself, she wants me to stick up for myself and stop the put downs that happen in arguments.
She's concerned at how quickly I can fall apart. I tell her I think I'm losing my faith in God a little and in this the longing for self sacrifice increases. I hate that I feel that way, I don't want to kill myself, but the despair and worthlessness that I feel is too much sometimes.
She's trying to help me and I will let her.
Today is Happy Tuesday's birthday, I wished him a happy one last night at 12am exactly on his FB wall. He IM me on Yahoo Messenger around 2am or so wanting to chat. I forgot I was still logged in and had to cut him off, I was tired and had an early day.
I hope he's okay but what can I say to him really. He holds the cards to us, if he wants to see me, its on his time not mines, I don't know when that will happen again exactly, but I'm in no rush. It doesn't matter anymore, he doesn't have the same affect on me as before.
The boy is at work now and texting me, I laugh at how he gets away with chatting with me instead of working, he laughs and says he's able to do both and well in fact.
He speaks of nothing now but living together, he describes what it would be like coming home to me everyday and how happy we would be. He says he thinks of me all the time. He says I'm beautiful and funny and he feels lucky to have me. My favorite thing he says is that I make him happy.
I seldom hear that.
My therapist says its a nice idea but to go slow and I agree, I told him we just will have to not rush into anything.
Waiting and saving and planning are okay things. We have all the time in the world, its better this way.
He says its fine and there is no rush.
I will start my resume sometime this week and begin the job hunt. I don't know what I will find but anything is better than nothing.
I hope you all are well and hanging in there. there is not much else to do but that. Still no Mia in sight and that's a good thing. I feel in control. I think this officially makes 31 days now? Hmm do I get some kind of sobriety chip to have on my keychain as a reminder of my hard accomplishment, where can I sign up for that. I may just have to have a makeshift memento in the meantime.
Now if I can only get the emotional side of me back in order than I may actually pass for a person of some sort..
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