Thursday, August 18, 2011


Tonight I attended my daughter's 1st Grade Open House and met her teachers, all three of them, Classroom, Art and Music..
My husband waited outside along with other parents who brought their children, tonight was a Parents only attendance.
I'm really glad for the anxiety meds, the crowded classroom didn't affect me and I was able to focus on the orientation meeting.
The usual was said, classroom rules, uniform conduct, mandatory volunteer hours, and the inevitable (LATE) school supply list.

School starts Monday and that means now we have to rush and get leftover school supplies.
Problem one is my Husband says he's broke until Saturday, he wants me to do the school shopping on Sunday the day of my friend's baby shower.
Problem two is that I'm once again expected to give up any plans I had for this.
So for my daughter I gave up the only money I had on me which was forty dollars and I can't go to the baby shower anymore.
So I'm in a bad mood now.
The only good thing about this years school supply list is that the items aren't real specific fancy stuff, nothing a trip to the Dollar Store can't fix.
We drive there just to see if we can knock down some of the items on there.
In the dollar store I find some of what I need but not all. Not the real important stuff.
Looks like a Sunday shopping trip it is.
In the checkout line my husband and I begin to argue, he wants to be my husband, to resume the role of man of the house and number one Dad.
The migraine comes on, the arguing doesn't stop.
Its still on going as I'm typing this post.
My daughter wants Pizza and I think not only is that too heavy and fattening for her to eat right now, my husband promises her otherwise.
So I'm outvoted.
We end up at a cafeteria because my husband wants Hot food. The leftover Baked Ziti in the fridge isn't to his liking.
I've been eating Redhots non stop all day.
By this time of night the bag is almost done.
Now I've started on the Sunflower seeds and water.
My face is caked with powder, I've picked at it a lot.
If you didn't know me you'd say my skinny body and bad skin were a result of drug use.
I may go out of order here only because I'm really pissed and tired.
So we end up getting the food and much to my protest the Pizza.
In the bathroom at home I start digging at my face again, its red and bloody and I think I deserve it, as a matter of fact I think I deserve to just slit my throat and be done already.
Instead I weigh myself and cry because its up from the water, candy and coffee. I look at myself in the mirror and cry, tears and distorted grin. I start to pull at my hair and slap myself, i punch my gut and scratch at my arms. I don't understand why I hate myself so, but I do. God forgive me, I don't think I'll ever love me.
I end up showering while everyone eats.
The boy is texting me from work and is on his way home finally. We chat online while I have Big Brother playing on Youtube on an open window tab. I tell him about my day and he tells me about his.
I always feel better talking to him, he makes me feel like a person and not a sick person.
He excuses himself to go shower and when he comes back my response is Yay!
We always do this, when one of us leaves and comes back we exclaim with jubilation.
He tells me that he wishes we were living together and then asks me something random, he watches alot of Anime, its what he does, how he unwinds. Maybe this has been a problem before in his other relationships because this question was brought to my attention is my only guess?
He asks me if I "Would you get mad if living together I would watch a lot of Anime?"
I respond No.
I've been to the rodeo before folks, I'm no stranger to men and their odd obsession to the TV.
My husbands was drinking, basketball, my brothers Sports and Video Games. I have my own vices so why should I mind.
After I say No he's relived, and then I ask my own question in return.
Would you get mad if I work out a lot?
He says no and laughs, "Why would I mind."
I also said that I would always cook in the house, he would never have to worry about that, I'm not one of those girls who can't even boil water, but that I don't eat a lot, as a matter of fact I don't eat much at all, sometimes not at all..
He says he wouldn't get mad at me for that and that he actually eats alot,  (he is blessed with a fast metabo).
Well I told him, we're perfect then because there would be more food for him then. We had a good laugh at that. I also asked him if I told him something about me that was serious, could something like that ever change how he feels for me in which he responded no. I almost told him, but decided against it.
During some commercial break I think my husband decides to try to tickle me and kiss me, in which my body's natural reaction to unwanted touch is cringing and pushing away. My husband is offended and asks me why I do that, he says I'm like a stranger.
So now we start a new fight about the same old shit.
I proceed to tell him about all that I've suffered while he had his penis in another woman and he begins to say get over it.
He also brings my sister in the mix and says now that he agrees with her, and that she said that if it wasn't for him in my life Lord only know what condition my daughter would be in.
You can call me fat, ugly stupid, whore, I'll agree, but when you say I'm a bad Mom I won't stand for it.
And I finally say enough, I give up I quit.
Fine I'll be your paper wife.
We live together and attend stuff and its all pretty from the outside, but I will never love you again.
He's frustrated and keeps at it again, beating the dead horse...
I get pissed and had to tell him to STFU and then proceeded to slam my head against the desk. This shocked him so that he went straight to bed.
I'm so tired you have no idea.
I'm going to keep losing weight, I'm going to be dead inside and alone. No one will ever know me because there is no me.
I'm so worthless and unlovable that my sister would stop talking to me, I'm such crap that I have no real friends. I'm such a slag that Men force themselves on me. I deserve nothing, not even my daughter.
I'm a waste.
I don't know how to do anything except say the wrong things and piss people off. I'm weak and don't know how to stick up for myself.
I don't get why God keeps me alive?
I'm starting to think if there is a God at all.
Maybe I should just do whatever I want from now on and not care.
All I wanted to do today was just be there for my kid at school. I was excited because I actually payed attention and didn't forget what was said. My baby is starting 1st Grade on Monday. I was already thinking about possible places to apply for work, I'm happy my car is fixed, I'm not even mad anymore at Happy Tuesday standing me up. Why can't the day just go smooth, I should just get a job somewhere and prostitute on the side, save money and just move out of Miami when my husband is at work. I feel like I will never be free of this life. I'm trying to be patient and just hang in there a little while longer but it's so hard. Such few things make me smile nowadays. Is it selfish to desire suicide as an out, to say you win life, I just can't cut it?
Now my husband is asleep and I'm mad and sad and overwhelmed. Tomorrow I'll just punish myself more by not eating and working out profusely.
I am utterly alone, my God I have no one but a six year old, two cats, a studio apartment and a Husband who still thinks he can make me love him again.
I may not sleep tonight, its already 2am, I'll clean the house and do dishes, followed by crunches and push ups. I'm sorry for being so negative and depressing right now, but i just needed to vent. I have no one else to talk to about this or anything for that matter.
What an awful day.


Jenn said...

My Girl, never apologize for being negative. You're going through a LOT, you're gonna get through it! I can't wait for you and the anime boy to move in together :-) it's gonna be perfect.. Dream dream dream. Thought precludes action.

I need help from you. I need to quit binging and purging and eat right like I did at the beginning of my diet. I used to only purge once in a while to fix a mistake. Now I make a mistake on purpose every single day more than once.... I want to eat redhots and sunflower seeds all day. Lately, I've been not eating much of anything at all all day until 3 or 4. and it's really not too hard moment to moment but then something clicks and I already know I'm gonna binge so I make some naughty shit for dinner..... I don't know what to do. I USED to know what to do, and now I don't... How does that happen??

I love you and I hope you feel better in the morning. I don't want you hurting yourself or saying such hurtful things. Its just not true! you're a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, and a super mom.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

I've been having those same kinds of thoughts being unemployed lately. Hang in there.

Mich said...

You're a wonderful mother, and you should never doubt it. <3 <3

I hope you're feeling better. ::BIG virtual hugs::, which are probably best because I know you're not fond of touching either. ;)

Hubbie could use a kick in the balls.

You'll get through this. You definitely have more than your fair share of crap to deal with, but you're so strong and so smart. Keep fighting the good fight--I know you'll win in the end.


CAliChica said...

my darling from all of ur bloggings ive read it sounds llike ur daughter is pretty crazy about her mommy , a little girl loves her mom . trust me (im a teen ager n i remeber i thought my mom was magic)
its not nothing 2 hav her ,don't think that . wouldnt it make u sad if she thought tht? the boy sounds nice. it sounds like u need 2 b on ur own asap n take ur little girl w/ u . especially since ur the 1 tht cares 4 her
stay strong xoxo

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