Thursday, February 13, 2014 clothes

Tuesday and I'm off to work, super positive and praying it will last.
My weight is good.
I've lost 5lbs and am currently maintaining at this triple digit wonder, I say wonder because that's exactly what happens when I look back at how quickly it's all come back.
I try to stay positive and drive.
When I get to work I'm actually early so scoot over to AT&T and pay the phone and DSL.
When I'm done with that I call and pay my Light bill.
Wow. I'm extra productive today.
I wonder if it's the Ginkoba supplement I started taking?
Or maybe I can attest it to my new found sobriety.
When I finally do punch in there's no sight of Macy Gray's ugly cousin and for an instant I smile devilishly.
My coworkers at the chaotic store like my hair, although they think it's dyed black when it's actually just a chocolate brown. I'm so pale I guess any shade darker then the bleach blonde I had previous would be confusing.
In any event work is fine.
I'm punched in at noon an hour earlier than my normal shift here.
My sweet coworker with the bum foot has a word with me.
"Listen I know you and her don't like each other so this is how we're going to run things...You'll be in Production till 4pm and she'll be at the register. Then after 4pm you guys switch."
I nod my head in agreement.
The day is fine so far.
An hour into my shift and my ex husband shows up with my daughter. He hands me the Rx for her eyes drops and even some Loratidine for allergy.
My friend with the bum leg types it up while my daughter heads over to the blood pressure machine to muck about.
My ex eyes me curiously as I'm working, I don't think he's understood the full magnitude of me going back to work or even working in a pharmacy no less. He gives me small smiles and I know he gets it now. He knows I'm busting my ass as best I can under the circumstances I'm under with my Depression and Eating Disorder.
It's not easy for me but I do it. He has to give me some credit.
All my coworkers gush over my daughter and she gives them mumbled hellos and shy smiles.
After less than five minutes it's all filled and they're off back home.
Everything seems to be going just fine.
When that hideous woman gets there things start to back up. She's so annoying oh Mylanta!
Suffice to say when 4pm hit her ass was all too eager to disappear in production.
I go on break and am still ok, Even managed to snack on some cashews and guzzle water.
When I punch back in things don't go so well.
We are backed up because one register works, the other cash machine decided just for shits and giggles to break down and beep noisily.
I'm at the Pickup and Drive thru too.
Macy Grays embarrassing relative is at Drop off. The other tech has kicked her out in order to bring the Production queue down. The coworker with the bum leg is on break.
No one is helping me. I always help them.
I keep a smile throughout the remaining three hours of my shift but found my thoughts trying to betray me.
My mind wanted to get negative and complain. It wanted to make me get into a foul disposition.
I started to talk these thoughts off the ledge and regained my composure.
My mind may have shut up but my body wasn't having none of that.
My head hurt terribly. I popped four Advil at once and still no relief.
My feet hurt and throbbed and my legs started that dull ache. My hip was next reminding me we were one hour more at the pharmacy than it's used to.
By the time 8'oclock rolled around I was gone and feeling awful.
One of the store Managers was outside smoking a cigarette.
I instantly felt like I needed one.
I bum a smoke and he scolds me on the dangers of smoking. I tell him I haven't smoked in some days and he tells me even more reason not to give it to me.
I tell him if he ever wants me to help out at this store again he better give me that cigarette now.
I head to my car and push in the car lighter as I pull out and drive home.
I start to cry in my car.
I start to pray.
The whole day I felt fine up until I didn't.
My whole problem is the fact no one helps me out. I'm too fucking meek to say anything, to complain more. I just take it.
I always just take it.
I pray for strength, I pray for understanding.
I pray for the capacity to just not truly care.
I wish I was like them. They see my struggle and can ignore it. They will go home just fine from work. They won't be crying in their cars. I wish I was a bitch, a mean, hard hearted person.
Why must I be so sensitive, why must everything feel a sense of justice?
So I cry, cry for all the things I'm not and for all the things I am.
And I thought I was doing so good being positive. God I can't even do that.

To add insult to injury the bloody car lighters don't work!
I have two of em in the car and nothing. They can charge a phone but can't light a cigarette!
So I didn't get to smoke after all.
By the time I get home just feel awful inside.
My head hurts so bad.
I decided to b/p on some cereal. Sometimes the purging helps make headaches go away.
Funny huh?
It so often is the source of my headache.
It worked.
It also dropped my sugar so I was very dizzy and spent the rest of the night in bed. My eyes grew tired and I stayed asleep for half the night.

I stayed in bed all day today. I finished reading "Eat, Pray Love" and slept some more.
I had to do laundry today and purge the clothes that I'm no longer able to fit into.
Finally around 7pm I get out of bed and tackle the closet.
1 full bag of skinny clothes are off the shelf.
Second I go through drawers and finally ALL of my jeans with the exception of 2 are shoved in bags.
I have no pants. If the waist isn't elastic I just can't fucking fit them.
I'm uber depressed.
Three giant bags of clothing for Donation.

A small voice within me stands up proudly tries to look on the bright side.
"Now we can go shopping for more clothes!"
I tell it to sit down and shut the fuck up dummy, don't you remember what shopping for bigger sizes is like!
This is not fun.
I should just buy a poncho and call it a day.

I hear my neighbor checking her mailbox outside.
I have a small pink T.V in my room that is not being used.
I ask my neighbor if she wants it, her daughter lights up at the thought.
So pink T.V has a much needed new home. I do a little Yoga before bed.

I'll take the 3 sacks of no longer skinny Lou's clothing to the Goodwill after work.
Bye Bye 00's..

That same stupid voice speaks up again..
"Hey at least we have more hangers?'

Ugh. Sit Down!


Katie Elizabeth said...

Good job for holding through everything. I know how difficult it is to not say anything to anyone even when you feel like you need help. That's a lot of clothes you got rid of. Good job. Stay strong love.

Anonymous said...

Lou, I think you are doing so well. It's often when we try the hardest to improve that our issues try the hardest to hold us back. Rather than focus on thinking about feeling negative at the end of the day, realize the positive that you went nearly the entire day with a positive mindset! That is such a great accomplishment! I'm proud of you for going through your clothes; it's ok to not be a 00 - I never have been, even though as a petite 5'3" person I probably should be. Regardless, that little voice being upbeat about having more hangers and being able to shop for clothes is a GREAT voice. Keep it and pursue it. You CAN be both happy and healthy. You CAN tackle each day one step at a time, and CAN keep going! You are an inspiration, sweetheart. Love, Calla

Jenn said...

I have been living in yoga pants for 6 months. I hate it. I feel you.