Monday, February 3, 2014

Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It can go on forever.

I promised my daughter after a very long talk yesterday that I would stop drinking.
My daughter can tell when mommy is drunk and when mommy has had too much to drink and should've stopped a long time ago.
I'm becoming my mother and she's me at 9.
Its a vicious cycle I'm starting up.

When I drink, and keep drinking that's where the trouble starts.
I become an unbearable, insufferable person.
My innards are poisonous and so I strike out to whoever is near.
I do damage, a lot.
My last drink was Saturday, and I really did some damage there.
I've hurt the ones I love around me with my mouth and my fists.
You can only get away with the same mistakes for sometime before someone grander and braver says NO! that is enough, this is the last time. I don't want and have to put up with you and your drinking anymore.

My boyfriend and I broke up. For good this time.

I've lost him with my unspeakable disgusting outbursts while drunk. I've insulted and degraded him in front of the kids. Raised my voice, taunted and even shoved him first. I started the fight of all fights. The fight that was all about pushing boundaries to the breaking point.
He's not my punching bag, he supposed to be my partner. I treated him like dirt and have possibly traumatized both kids in the process. God I shouldn't even be allowed around children.
I have a real problem with limits. I think this was God's way of intervening and drastically changing my life because I just wasn't.

As much as I wish I could change what happened Saturday I cannot.
I will just have to learn from my mistake that cost me my relationship.
I love him irrevocably but that doesn't mean anything if my behavior doesn't change.

This is my rock bottom.
I need to stop drinking altogether, its not helping me do anything except kill myself faster.

Last night my neighbor gave me some Xanax because I'm just a mess. I can't stop crying and my eyes are too swollen. I have to work today and can't look like this.
The Xanax made me sleep through the night.
I threw away any alcoholic bottles I had opened in the house down the drain.

I haven't eaten a single thing. I'm not hungry, I don't deserve food right now.

 I'm sad, so sad My dear God the tears don't stop.
I can't watch anything or listen to any music.
Everything reminds me of my boyfriend.
I feel like someone has died.
I don't want to know this pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

My daughter has called me three times yesterday concerned.
She knows Mommy isn't okay.

I don't know how I'm going to get through work today without crying.
I'm trying to stop it because my eyes are starting to swell again.
My stomach feels so empty, not like hunger pangs but something else. Like a hollow feeling.
My chest hurts from constricting Anxiety.
Please, please God help me through this. I'm so scared.

I have started taking down things that remind me of him in the house and putting them all away in bags. He has clothes here but I won't ask him if he wants me to drop them off he'll probably tell me to just throw them out. So I will. I won't bother him anymore, I'll let him move on with his life and I want the same in return.

I'm going to try to be strong. Try.

 STRONG: adjective \ˈstrŋ\
: having great physical power and ability
: having a lot of strength
: not easy to break or damage

: not sick or injured
Such a powerful little word.
Holds so much promise doesn't it.
I want to be all those things. I don't want to fall apart and give up on the remainder of my life.
I can survive this, I've been through worse.
This is just the rough part, the wish I was dead feeling.
I'm not dead though so that means God has bigger plans for me.
I'm sorry to my now ex boyfriend for Saturday, I was 50% to blame.
I'm not sorry for the good times in our relationship.
I'm sorry it had to end but I'm proud of you for being the one to say No Lou, that's it I've had enough.
Thank you for that.
I wish you and yours the very best.
You will always be in my heart. I love you so much, now if I could only learn to love myself.


Ellie Belle said...

I am thinking of you. Please let me know if I can do anything, I am here to talk anytime.