Wednesday, February 5, 2014

In short: love is dangerous. So love dangerously..

Tuesday at the chaotic store was very long. I remember I kept looking at the clock a lot and noticing how half of an hour, took about an hour.
I wanted to go home.
I felt physically exhausted and mentally drained.
I hardly spoke although some of the sweeter coworkers tried to make me. I once again only spoke when necessary.
Macy Gray's ugly cousin was there and God is she annoying. She and I continued our awkward skirting around each other. It's so apparent she doesn't like me. Of course I don't care.
I don't like her either.
She kept pissing me off most of the shift because she was always in Production and refused to help with customers. I almost wanted to tell the scheduler "Listen, count me out for next Tuesday."
I'm getting a little fed up being the pack donkey.
Time was too slow for my taste.
My body hurt and I needed sleep.
The shift finally ends and I leave quicker than a wet fart escapes after a plate of Indian Curry.
I'm in the car and cold, so cold.
I feel cold all the time.
I drive home and check my mailbox.
There's a package and it's something I did not want to see.
A Valentine's present for my ex boyfriend.
This makes me so sad beyond reproach.
A horrible triggering reminder of happy times and plans. Just writing this is making my eyes well.

The house is quiet, I don't mind the quiet anymore.
I have been looking frightful lately. My hair is dry and my eyes sallow. Finally deciding after coming home from work last night that I would go back to the Store and buy hair dye. I need to do something other than be sad and cry. I need to molt.

I was torn between a burgundy shade of a red, or maybe just dye it all black like my mood.
I called my sister for advice and she suggested an in-between.
So espresso Brown I chose.
I dyed my hair in the now wee hours of that remaining Tuesday.
It came out really nice. It's a huge adjustment but a welcomed one.

Everyone tells me to keep busy, if I'm busy I won't be sad.
That's easier said than done.
Keeping busy is hard because everywhere I go is a reminder.

How many thousand times, in walking through the streets, have I wondered if the day would ever come again when he would be at my side: all those yearning looks I bestowed on the buildings and statues, I had looked at them so hungrily, so desperately, that by now my thoughts must have become a part of the very buildings and statues, they must be saturated with my anguish.

Being alone is painful. You have to finally deal with yourself. There is no romantic partner to cushion the blows, there is only YOU.
I've never been in a relationship with myself before. I've always had some romantic attachment to another person.
There hasn't been a proper decompression time for me. It's been one relationship after the next.
I've always given myself entirely to another human being. Putting their happiness above my own even.
What little I did have to spare went all to self loathing because I've become this little hateful person who can't stand her own company for long, not sober anyways. That obviously has to change.
You have to change. You can't make anyone happy if there's not at least something about yourself to be proud and happy over. Happiness radiates.
I think that I will go through a big change when I can withdraw from people and be myself again. I can’t explain why or how, but I feel as if I’ve lost something among people that I could see, understand, and feel when I was alone. The more I live among city people, the more I realize the tremendously important role that the peace and the stillness of nature play in our development. Something is lost when you live too much among other people, the way you do in a city. The ideas and thoughts of others penetrate you, and you get so caught up in them that you are no longer able to feel or understand what is taking place in your own life.

So for now I'm working on all that me stuff I've been stuffing in my overflowing closet.
And that's another thing...the must needed purging of Skinny clothes that I know deep down I can never fit again. I need to let them go. I'm not that sick person anymore. Do I really need all those shrines to a life I can't have anymore hanging around making me more miserable than ever...umm NO.
Its a huge tasks that awaits me but I have plenty of free time on my hands now. So that's it girl, get rid of it.
Underlying theme forming here, getting rid of all that negativity that's holding me hostage. Making more room for good things and blessings to enter my life, and they will of course. I have to believe it and constantly say it out loud. Putting those desires and dreams I want out there in the cosmic universe will only help them come to fruition faster.

So now here I am 3 days no drinking and today Day 4 Wednesday, is so fucking hard. I really, really want a bloody stiff drink right now.
Its making me anxious the more I think about it.
Have to fight it, I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it...

I'm trying to keep busy, tactic #1 READ.
I've Started to re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I can relate to so many things in her book, especially now.
Especially the need to find oneself, to find God, peace, forgiveness...its a beautiful book I could read over and over again (and probably will).
I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now.
Trying to find out what makes me happy and stop focusing and all that constant shit I bitch about that makes me miserable.

Keeping busy tactic #2 EXERCISE.
I've exercised today on Elliptical and did a few leg stretches too.
The fact that I currently am reveling in the sheer quiet of my surrounding has given me a chance to think about many things.
One of them is the idea of trying Yoga, since focus and silence are welcomed, this may be something  can do.
I hope I can anyways, or will look like a fool trying.

Keep busy tactic #3 WRITE.
Blogging helps, novel wise not yet but I feel that familiar stirring so maybe soon I'll pick up where I left off.

Keep busy tactic #4 CLEAN HOUSE.
Yes in much need of a serious exorcism via clothing Donations.

Keep busy tactic #5  SHOP.
Yes soon I'll be helping out the dire economy by supporting local businesses with some hard earned loot and plenty of more crap to accompany my hoarding piles.

So far that's all I got. If I'm done with that quickly then I may just have to join a cult just to have something to do.

My daughter has a fever today, complains of headaches too.
Think she may have to miss school tomorrow and that means I miss work too. Hopefully the medicine I've given her can help her feel better.
I'm going to bed now.
It's been a long day.

“Come the Dawn”

After a while you learn the subtle differences
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build your own roads
On today because tomorrow’s ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn
With every good-bye you learn.


Katie Elizabeth said...

Wow, I can't believe how much you and I have in common. I can relate when you say you've been in one relationship after another. It's hard to figure out who you are without someone else there defining you.
I love your keeping busy tactics. Those should keep your mind off all the negativity. I'm thinking of you dear.