Sunday, February 9, 2014

Yoga Bear

It's Sunday and that means I haven't had a drink in a (1) week.
I'm impressed and also suffering.
I never knew how much I depended on Alcohol for everything.
To Sleep, to quiet my Eating Disorder, to numb Body Aches, to Socialize, to even pass boredom.
This past week has been surreal. It's been my toughest test this year.
Deep down I'm excited at the possibility of never touching the sauce again and how far I can go, but then again it's also a great deal of added pressure I'm allowing myself.
I just have to keep going forward everyday, one day at a time and see how far I can push myself if I really want something.
I've been reading a lot which is keep busy tactic #1..
Re-reading "Eat, Pray, Love" is great. The sheer positivity and soul searching call out to me on so many levels. The reinvention of oneself after love has devastated and changed you.
I find myself lately in a calm sea after the storm. My little dingy battered but still afloat.
I find myself letting go of grudges and forgiving. Everyone needs to be forgiven in this life.
Sometimes the mere act of forgiving even the most awful of mistakes can not only cleanse your soul but help someone else try to forgive themselves and start again. You essentially release them from the loop of reliving the mistake over and over again.
Forgiveness of those that hurt you and above all forgiveness for yourself.

Ever since that fight last Saturday I've been reliving the thing over and over. Wishing I could change what couldn't.
I could stay stuck on that Saturday forever defragmenting it until Eternity and still get nowhere.
I even allowed myself to take 100% of the blame, going so far as to say well I messed with the bull so I got the horns..
Blaming myself for things is something  not entirely foreign.
After my rape a few years ago, I blamed myself for it entirely, citing if I wasn't so depressed and drunk I wouldn't have been put in that situation.
And so my Rape shamed me, I didn't feel like a victim, I didn't feel as though I even had the right to make a big fuss about it. So for a long time it was just one more horrible thing that I allowed to happen to me in my life.
It's not until almost three years ago after seeing a therapist, did she help me understand that the Rape was not my fault. I was a victim, I was taken advantage of, I did say No at some point. She helped me through that part in my life, that guilt I let eat at me for  along time. She helped me forgive myself.

There's nothing I can do to change what happened Saturday. It will always be engraved in my head as to how far a fight can get and what can happen when everyone loses their tempers.
My boyfriend has apologized to me about the overreaction, putting his hands on me, about it all.
He's even said sorry to the kids.
He's looked within himself to realize the blame was also his to share.
He's going to work on himself, he needs to, just as I need to.
I need to avoid a situation like that again.
If it means never drinking again, then I'll try my hardest.
As for him, only he knows what is required and asked of himself.
I can't make the changes for him, only he can.
All I grant him to help, is my forgiveness.
I hope these little words can help steer him into the path of rediscovery.
We all need to look within one selves and ask, "What's really important?"
I love him enough to forgive him and trust that he's truly apologetic and remorseful.
The rest is on him.

As for me, I want to stop letting myself get so bent out of shape over every little thing, so instead I will tackle all the little things that are bending my shape.
I can't do it all in one day but I believe I can remove most of my obstacles little by little.
My goal is to just utterly accept what can't be changed instead of screaming and protesting till it does, which almost never works.
There are some things that will just work themselves out and then there are other things that need you to get the ball rolling.

Keep busy tactic #2 exercise is coming along nicely.
I've been working out today again.
Even started my first Yoga practice.
Yoga was all made extra comfy today due to my sweet Sarah who got me my very first cute Yoga mat.
Thank you doll, I love it.

My hip hurts really bad lately. I think my body is showing all those wear and tear signs we all know too well.
After an hour on the Elliptical and a few stretches and weights, I went ahead and got my feet wet with Yoga.
Yoga is difficult for me because all my joints hurt.
I also never knew just how bad my smoking was until I was required to take deep breaths.
Deep breathing is something I never practiced and so today it was difficult, leaving my throat sore by the end of it all.
I need to stop smoking too now I guess.
As I write this I want to light up.
Of all the newly learned Yoga poses, Tree Pose is my favorite.
I guess I'll just have to continue to work on it until I can comfortably do all the poses much the same.
I need to look into a good bone supplement soon. I suspect the beginning stages of Osteopenia.

Other keep busy tactics are in order but for today just these will do.
I'm very tired now and think I'll turn in.
Have a long 7 hour shift at the Pharmacy followed by an even longer one on Tuesday.
For me a job is just a way to get the money I need to survive, nothing more and nothing less. Basically it’s like taking out the garbage: it’s nothing you really enjoy, but you have to do it or else your life will stink.

I'll write more soon, this is all for now. My eyes are too heavy to go on.

Goodnight lovelies and thank you once again for supporting me.


Jenn said...

Yoga is awesome I need to get back to it. Don't worry about smoking right this second. Yes you should quit eventually, but you have a lot on your plate right now with the no-drinks. If you keep up the yoga, it's like you said, you'll WANT to quit soon enough.

lots of love to you miss.

Katie Elizabeth said...

I am in awe of your strength to forgive others and yourself. That is something that I am terrible at. I did forgive my brother for molesting me when I was a little girl, and you're right, it feels like such a relief. But I have a hard time forgiving myself. I am proud of you for going a whole week without a drink. I know that is such a struggle, but you're doing it and you deserve some recognition for that. I'm glad that your boyfriend has apologized to you and even the kids. That's a big step on his part.
I've never read Eat, Pray, Love. I've not actually seen the movie neither. I have heard that it is amazing.
I'm glad that your busy tactics are helping you in one way or another. Keep up the hard work dear.