Monday, February 3, 2014


Work was hard today.
The drive there was long and I got lost even with GPS.
My hands and insides shake terribly, I'm so cold.
It's raining now and I try to think of something else.

I went for a walk last night, no direction in mind, I just had to get out the house.
People would stare at my face as I look horrible from the swelling in my eyes.
I ended up inside Walgreens and immediately started crying again as its a Valentines explosion in there. I wander aimlessly through the aisles for five full minutes before the store's intercom starts to play some romantic song. I couldn't bear another second more and almost ran out of the store into the rain.
When I got home I took more Xanax and laid in the darkness with both cats until the drowsiness put me down for the night.

When I finally arrive at work I'm a little bit early despite the unexpected detour.
I took a deep breath and opened the Pharmacy door.
I was bombarded with a giant bear hug from my Pharmacist who yells "Yea my D.J is here!"
I always play trance music for us to pass the day.
I was prepared for this, I can't hear music right now. So I brought along my small tablet with a playlist that I would play for her, I set the tablet on her workstation far from me so she could enjoy the music since I can't bear any songs of any kind right now.
I was introduced to someone I've never worked with before and I had no immediate reservations about her. She's okay I guess. She bought me coffee which I didn't ask for. I sipped it a few times then threw it away. Nothing has a taste anymore. I don't care if I ever eat again to be honest.

I was early so my Pharmacist suggested I check online at the store's website for any modules due (I have 3)
She starts to question me as I log on and sigh internally at the tests. My brain isn't working today I will fail these modules several times. I actually read the first 2 paragraphs 6 times before finally giving up because I just couldn't concentrate.
My pharmacist wanted to know what I've been up to and how's Dragon, she nearly peed her pants from laughter as I told her all about the crazy store and Dragon heading it up.
I smiled out of courtesy but took no joy in any jokes being told today.

When I finally do punch in, and am in production there's a tech I know who is just coming back from break.
She gets so excited seeing me you would've thought I was a relative visiting from out of town.
She hugs me hard and that's the hug that almost broke this camels back. I awkwardly return the hug keeping one hand in my pocket with the spatula I was counting pills with a second ago. As she hugs me and that awful on the verge of crying feeling is about to happen I stab my thigh as hard as I could with the blunt object. I wanted the emotional pain to go away and rather focus on the immediate physical pain which right now I frankly welcome. I wasn't going to cry in front of these people. I refused to.

The rest of my workday was not hectic, but I was joyless. I looked no one in the eye and only spoke when spoken to.
I made a lot of mistakes, dropping things and talking so low customers were getting irritated. I was slow and took my time doing everything. Today I didn't make any spectacular effort. Today I was blah.

My Pharmacist will give me work again the following Monday and any other day during the week that opens up.

The day goes by fast and for once today the boring task of counting pills distracted me.

When 9pm came around and it's time for me to go home the coldness hits me hard again.
The drive home was very quiet and that impending sadness was returning again.
The minute I opened my front door like clockwork the tears started up again.

My house is a mess and reeks of garbage and cat piss but I don't care for once. It can stay like this forever, frankly I don't care anymore.

Part of me wants to drink but not really. It's just something to do to pass the time.
I won't.

I've spoken to my daughter who told me all about her report card, only one F and that's in Math.
She misses me and asks if I was okay.
I tell her sure I was fine and said goodnight.

I dunno what I'm going to do now. Guess I'll pop another Xanax and go to bed.
Tomorrow is another long day.

"When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn’t want it, you cannot take it back. It’s gone forever." –Sylvia Plath