Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

There isn't much to say.
Monday was a b/p party and only I was invited. The loot bags consisted of laxatives and water pills.
The pinata was me.
The only good thing out of Monday or any day for that matter is talking to The Boy.
Today I actually slept till 1pm; first Tuesday in a long time that I was able to do that. No shrink anymore, didn't have to get up and do anything at all.
I admit I'm still sad about it.
I'm dizzy today and very drained, I still found energy to workout though, that never fails.
My period is here and its horrible, I'm bloated bitchy and crappy, if I was four more things you'd think I was part of the seven PMS dwarfs.
The Boy is off today and trying to cheer me up as best he can. He mentioned the apartment again wishing more than anything for us to live together. he doesn't like to see me sad and believes if we were together I would never be sad again. He even thinks my eating would improve.
When I think of him I don't picture ED with me. So even though its nothing more than wishful thinking it feels amazing.
After b/p episode 2 today my Case Manager finally calls me after Idk how long on hiatus, and tells me to head to the clinic and let them know that I haven't been assigned a new therapist yet. I mentioned to her about looking for a job and she suggested a Uniform factory job she knows of that's in need of workers. I have no idea what I would be doing there, when she mentioned this job prospect to me, the image of me being glued in front of a sewing machine in a factory with dirt for floors and stained windows popped in my head.
I hope its just my imagination running away with me again.

Happy Tuesday and I are not on speaking terms.
His Roomate/Ex is getting to me already. I caught him in a lie, apparently he went down on her.
Oral is considered sex to me, the fact that he lied about it and tried to reason it somehow pissed me off.
I told him that I could no longer see him. He said he didn't care if we were never intimate again but that he wanted me to still be his friend, that my friendship means the world to him.
Pffffft! I'm done with him-Lou out!
I'm tired and have enough on my plate without him and his Ex that looks just like Sponge Bob Squarepant's best friend Patrick Star..

Actual Photo

This week is shaping up to be b/p, school projects and plenty of tampons.
I had a protein shake today, kept it down. I still taste it in my mouth even though I brushed my teeth four times. I'm out of laxatives, not happy.
I guess I'll rack up on some again tomorrow.
I feel like I want to cry but no tears come out.
I have this lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow.
I'm getting stuck again in the behaviors and bad mindset, the self loathing.
My face is a mess, I've been picking at it constantly. My husband made a remark today.
"What's wrong with your face? looks like you got in a fight."
I told him that I feel stressed out hence the picking. If he wanted a fight I'd be more than happy to give him one, remarks like that are just up that alley.

I feel so guilty eating now.
I want to eat some Sunflower seeds and I have that voice telling me how much I would regret it tomorrow.
I feel like b/p again. I'm running outta stuff, still no stove.
Cereal and milk are getting boring.
Pancakes are outta the question, I shudder thinking about bringing all that up.
I cut all my nails off, too much scratching in the back of my throat. My glands are swollen and my face looks like a volleyball.

So I think that's it, I've officially become boring.
I'm going to bed.
Hope you all are well and good luck.


Mich said...

AAAAHHHHHH that photo is terrifying!!!

I'm going to have nightmares. -_-

Sorry about all the stress and the b/p. :( I'm in a similar place--letting old habits take me hostage again. But we can dig ourselves back out of that rut. <3

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. xoxo

Peridot (G+P) said...

That picture made me throw up in my mouth a little. Ick! Good call there, I think. You never know what he might have caught from her D:

Irma's here too. The ONLY thing I like about my period is how fast the water weight drops off, and how it kills my appetite.

Don't feel guilty about eating healthy stuff and keeping it down! If you're passing out everywhere you can't help Miss B with the homework! Just imagine passing out in a puddle of glue and waking up with a bunch of confetti stuck to your forehead :x

Hope you have a better day today <3 If theres anything I can do, let me know ok?


Does It Even Matter said...

I'm sorry about the b/ping cycle. it's a vicious botch that we all hate to talk to. I think it was a good idea to cut your nails. You are tooo pretty to have scratches and what not on you!! :) I hope you feel better hun, Try and stay away from junk food and like Peridot said....nothings wrong with healthy foods!!