Thursday, November 17, 2011

Progress Post: Before and After

Monday was a successful fast.
In accordance with the lax binge too, I've managed to bring my weight all the way down to 107lbs.
Yesterday I tried my best to not b/p and made it all the way till 10pm doing so, until the dreaded Pizza Monster got me. I took my meds very late last night and hope I didn't purge them. After my very hard purging session I was incredibly lightheaded. The room would spin and my hearing would mute. The heart palpitations started and I thought I was dying. I lay in my bed and tried to wish away the horrible feelings. At 11pm I started drinking, the drinking mutes the voices, the failures and the awful "I'm dying" feelings. I've been drinking almost everynight now. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I want to feel nothing. I want to forget the melancholy.
I was proof reading a chapter I'd written from my Novel and that's when the drunk munchies kicked in. In my I don't care state of mind, I decided to have some Cuban crackers with cream cheese and guava.

Happy Tuesday texted my phone but I didn't answer.
He and I got into an argument earlier in the day. He was taking a stab at my good friend and fake Facebook boyfriend Perry.
Then he started bringing up an odd conversation about EX's and how they should be deleted out our lives?
I took a stab back at him and told him he shouldn't be one to talk seeing as how he lives with his ex/ewok roommate.
Happy Tuesday pissed me off by saying he chooses to live like that and can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have someone dictating his life.
He also said from my interpretation that I'm allowing my husband to stay and I won't break up with him. Oh and that I "complain" too much?
Whatever that means.
I think his jealousy is starting to show.
Happy Tuesday keeps digging the hole deeper for himself, the more annoying he gets, the more I feel less for him. I suspect anyways as soon as I see The Boy next week, I should feel even less for Happy Tuesday, perhaps even nothing at all.
I'm excited for my trip on Tuesday the 22nd. The Boy is too, he can't wait to finally see me. I can't wait to go see Twilight Breaking Dawn pt.1 lol. I'm going to do my best to have a good time while I'm away and forget about the losers in my life. Looks like I have two now. Happy Tuesday smh, he should have never kissed me, we should have just remained friends. Now it's so complicated. Bestfriends should never sleep together.

I drank myself into a stupor and woke up to weigh 108lbs.
Not too much gain but still gain is a gain is a gain.

I stared at my body in the mirror and tried to analyze what does gaining one pound actually look like?
So I started taking pictures of myself.
In my computer I found and old picture of me at 138lbs. I'm going to now post and let you all compare if its even noticeable.
You all must think I'm crazy but the truth is when I look in the mirror I am still that overweight girl. I see a round pudgy body, I see Fat.
I know it's all in my head and ED, but I can't help but be this ridiculous.
I think when I get back from the Thanksgiving break, I might..might look into a therapist again, not at the Clinic but maybe a private one. I also am going to research if they have a background or have studied eating disorders. I want to be ready just in case I ever do get the courage to finally leave this disorder behind and try to live again. I feel so depressed because I was doing so well and then the rug got pulled from under me. I just didn't want to start all over again, but in all aspects of life I think there is no other choice. Begin again or simply End.

And now for before and afters.


"Portrait of an Eating Disoder"



thigh gap


Peridot (G+P) said...

Fucking males! I hate double standards, how it's fine for them to do one thing but we, as female, HAVE to do another. It's ridiculous!

You're definitely a LOT smaller than you were. Your boobs have shrunk and your thighs are fucking MINUSCULE and if it wasn't for the unfortunate abdominal side-effects of mia you'd have killer abs.

Please tell me that's a spider tattoo on your shoulderblade and not an actual spider. I'm actually half-crying in terror, it looks so realistic.

Have a great holiday <3

Claire said...

You seriously can't see the difference??? Can't you feel the difference? Its huge! You are tiny. I really hope you find another great therapist- you can do this, you can get better. Hang in there xxx