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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Depressed

Well I've gone and done it.
I sent an email to my shrink and have cancelled yet again..
This time though folks, it's for good.
I'm through with therapy. I'm done. I'm really depressed of course because I miss my old shrink. I can never see her again because my Insurance is full of Nazis!!
So unfair. Dam Goverment-dam them all to heck!
I got so drunk last night and fell asleep texting Happy Tuesday. His router and modem connection are on the fritz so we haven't been getting much chatting in lately. It's bad enough we haven't been together in two whole months. I miss him. I miss how easy it is to just be around him because he know my ED so well, the real extent of it. I don't have to pretend with him.

My husband and I watched movies all day yesterday-Harry Potter DH and Conan the Barbarian which sucked. I made Cuban Style Chicken Fricassee-everyone loved it to death. I ate some or rather b/p on that. b/p alot yesterday, I think 3x if not four?



My husband drank Whiskey afterwards and made comments to me that were very mean. I almost used the roach spray on him. Instead I just took it all in as usual because I wanted to avoid more drama.
He told me to not get raped when I go visit my sister.
Not to drink too much or dress provocatively. Apparently I bring sexual abuse all on myself *facepalm*
He's pissed that I'm leaving next week, he's laying the guilt trip on real thick like too. I'm so tired of the same arguments over and over. When will I be free of this?
Today woke up feeling awful and sad. Hopeless, so hopeless.
My shrink called me back but I didn't answer. I don't wanna talk to her.
I'm sure the only reason why she's called now is because she can no longer get a free lunch off of me. I don't think anyone cares about me so I won't care either.
I've taken 20 laxatives, water pills and my meds. I'm so sick right now from the laxatives.
I don't care. I think I'll just lose as much weight as possible and be done with it all. My life doesn't change so why should I?
I feel broken hearted, I never knew not having my old shrink in my life could affect me so, but it does.
So now I'm in bed for the moment till the laxatives settle down a bit. Then I'm up and fasting with my friend.
We were both in bed avoiding Mia and decided to go ahead and compare thigh gaps..behold my huge legs.



The Boy is not online yet, and Happy Tuesday has been texting me instead.
Ugh men drive me crazy, I don't know what they see in this mess that is me. Wish I had one of em in bed with me, wish someone could just hold me and lie to me, tell me everything is going to be okay and good people do prevail in the end.
I have so much packing to do. Going to have to take a diet pill today too. I hope I can keep up this fast and avoid b/p at all costs.




"Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.." -Peter Pan

3 comments:

Sam said...

I'm sorry things didn't end up working with the new shrink but don't give up completly. You may not have control on other people quiting on you but you most certainly have control over if you quit on yourself. Don't quit on yourself.

Sam

DietCokePlease said...

Sorry it didn't work out with shrink. Love your pics =] I love Harry Potter. Maybe you could try a different shrink, you never know you might end up liking her/him as much as the old one. Be safe and hopefully you feel better soon. xx

Claire said...

All coming from a place of love and care:
1. Your legs are beautiful not huge
2. Don't give up on therapy- find another shrink, just think there might be one even better than your old one!
3. You can not rely on men or anyone else for that matter to make you happy. Try not to give them that power hun.
4. You will escape your husband soon- try not to let him get to you, he's a stupid hurt man who's feeling sorry for himself and lashing out. You are nothing that he says and worth so much better.
5. Stop with the laxatives! 20 is insane! Your daughter needs you- Take care of her mother!
Please don't give up, your life has so much promise.
p.s. I watched peter pan yesterday for the first time since I was a child- what a coincidence.