Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Open mouth-insert foot

Tuesday and I'm too cold.
The mornings here are at a chilly 65 degrees, or in my temperature 40.
I have to take my daughter to school and I'm already craving to b/p. I managed to avoid the ritual altogether on Monday. I got away with being in bed all day. I had the worst migraine and sinus pressure. My husband didn't like me in bed all day, kept asking me if I wanted something to eat or should he get something for me to cook. Then after my 50th refusal he started drinking and watching sports. He was mad and of course thought my behavior was all about him. I was depressed and miserable because my weight is creeping back up. I'm at 111.4 today and rising. I suspect all the laxatives are to blame, now that I've stopped them since my vacation the weight is coming back. That's the thing about weight, it goes up and down.
Newtons Law at it's finest I'd say.
I feel like a failure because I've been unable to bring this weight down the way I used to. My anxiety prevents me from going to extremes at times, I worry that something will happen to me, then there are times when I just want to say to hell with it all.
I'm also sad because I have no therapist, I feel as though I have no direction, I'm like a ship lost at sea floating aimlessly on the currents swaying to and fro.
I'm lost in thought thinking about a plan B, how will I earn a living. The sex industry is the only place that will never turn anyone away. I can either web cam and hope to make a living or go all out and try stripping.
Stripping and me won't mix, I have no rhythm and I wasn't built for high heels. I hate my body and I'm sure they'd throw quarters at me for sure. I could never be a prostitute, I'd be too scared of getting beat or raped again. I have no idea whatsoever to do. Why is there no jobs?
McDonald's won't even touch me geesh.
Tuesday after showering and getting dressed, I take my daughter to school and head straight to Publix. I don't know what I want yet, I wander the aisles meticulously looking for things that are easy to purge, I don't even taste food anymore, b/p has become something to do, like smoking or drinking.
Food is no longer in the picture, the ritual is both punishment and coping method alike.
I take a gander at the meat aisle and the turkeys are on sale. Thanksgiving remnants. An 8lb one is only six dollars, this is what I grab. The thing is frozen solid. I get a pack of bacon and eggs too.
At home and I defrost the bird and make eggs. The smell wakes my husband up, his eyes light up with delight at the sight of a Turkey. I feel sorry for him, I know he didn't eat this while I was away. I guess this could be my way of making amends for leaving and having a good time with my family while he stayed home and cat sat alone.
I make breakfast for us both then go purge. I shower again and change. My clothes reeked of bacon grease and vomit.
I was lightheaded and started washing dishes, I like the feeling, sometimes I hope to pass out but it doesn't happen.
I figure my sugar is low so I make a shake. Liquids always make me feel better, why can I tolerate them and not food itself?
I tell my husband that I'm going to Target, my little tree needs more decorations, he decides to tag along. The bird is somewhat defrosted, dinner will be very late today.
In Target the Hello Kitty dollar decor calls to me, my little hand basket overflows with pepto bismol pink nonsense. The thing is I will buy this stuff and not open it, I think I have a serious HK hoarding problem. I keep hoarding things in general telling myself when I move these things will be used. I keep thinking moving is the answer to my problems, that somehow a better life awaits me.
I find what I need and then head to video store and market. By this time its already 3 and my daughter is almost done with tutoring. I'm dropped off at my messy Lil apartment to cook and clean. The turkey is defrosted and seasoned and in the oven she goes tootles!
I decorate my little tree and here it is, it's not much but it's all I can afford. Sometimes I feel like the world's worst parent because I can't give my daughter a lot. I see kid's in her school with new shoes and book bags, material things that I know wouldn't matter much but would help her fit in. Our clothes comes from thrift stores, and our house is so small. She doesn't dress in the latest trends or goes to the mall to buy things. There is so much we don't do.
I don't want her to be the outcast. I'm scared that may lead to being picked on by a bully. I don't want her to be the poor kid in class.

The end of the year is always the saddest for me, December 28 will make a year since my uncle passed away. I don't like December or January in general so many bad memories tied to it..
I manage to get the apartment and dinner in order, when my daughter comes home she is happy and runs to hug me and tell me about her day. Sometimes I look at her and don't know why she loves me so much, I feel like I let her down so much. I don't deserve her.
So the rest of the day is working out, watching movies, and a late Turkey dinner. I decide to drink to end the night.
I haven't spoken to The Boy all day today. Things feel awkward now for me. I'm no longer entertaining the fantasy of moving away and starting over up there, so now what would be the point. He still is sweet to me and blows me kisses even, I've not reciprocated, I don't wanna give him false hopes. He is too young and not ready for someone like me plus a kid. I need an equal, someone who will be my partner, he cannot be those things yet. He has a lot of living to do still.
I get online finally and Happy Tuesday and I start to chat.
Everything was fine until we got into an argument over my Eating Disorder. He told me if I got under a 100lbs he would stop talking to me. He also told me that I had no regards to my health and my child too.
It was an awful fight and by the end of it I told him we shouldn't be friends anymore.
This morning he sends me paragraphs of explanations, his opinion on what an ED is to him and how I can chose otherwise. He doesn't get it, he's an outsider looking in, I didn't choose this life. I don't wanna be this way. Also an eating disorder doesn't make me a bad mother, the two things are not tied. I hate having my parenting questioned, pisses me off more than weight gain if you can believe that.
I shower and weigh. Ugh the scale doesn't budge.
I have a horrible hangover and b/p on eggs then shower. Happy Tuesday texts me and my case manager calls me?
I don't call her back yet.
Happy Tuesday wants to know if we're still friends.
So we start talking calmly and I voice my own concerns.
I tell him that I would rather end this best friends/lovers thing we have going because what if I promise to not lose weight and I do? He will stop talking to me regardless, so I rather cry now than later. He tells me he just wants me healthy and safe and that he is sorry and I'm a great girl and mother. He just acts like a caveman when he's concerned.
So we reach an impasse.
We stay best friends.
He tells me he loves me very much and doesn't want me to hurt myself or see my kid hurt over me.
I know he means well.
I tell him I love him too.
He can be a prick sometimes but a sweet guy too.
He's a Virgo and Virgo's love and protect the ones they care about so I know he means well.
My case manager calls and I answer. She has no clue I've quit therapy.
She calls to tell me she will no longer be my case manager. This I already saw coming.
Blah blah same useless remarks as if she did so much for me before. Have a nice life ya cunt.
So today I have to browse for PJ's, my daughter's school is doing a charity to donate books and pajamas to kids who don't have any. I'm also buying my very first enema. I feel bloated and backed up and I'm trying to detour from the laxatives. I've heard these work fast and clear the poop out real nice. I'm not too keen on sticking anything up my rectum but hey never say never.
This will be the most action I've seen in a few months.


Mich said...

Your daughter loves you because you're a wonderful mother. It's tough not being able to give her those material things, but you give her love and attention and acceptance, and all the important things. Those are the things that really matter, and the things she will remember.

I think your tree looks fabulous.