Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Nutcracker

Tonight was my daughter's Holiday Winter Show at her Charter School, this year's show was The Nutcracker.
It was a great show.

I managed to go three whole days Bulimia free, but today did not carry over.
After coming home from the show I b/p on chicken and rice. I fall asleep from exhaustion right afterwards.
This morning its a chilly 50 degrees here.
I'm tired and my body aches all over.
I go weigh and I'm at 109.4 and I'm spotting, my period is coming on.
I'm not happy, gaining anything does not sit well with me.
I've started skipping meds again, even my vitamins.
My bowels are shot, but thanks to the miracles of enema I'm able to ease the bloated feeling.
I feel depressed, I keep worrying about where I'm going to get income from.
January is right there.
My sister offered to live with me for a week after my husband moves out. I can't wait, I'm not used to being alone officially. Maybe she can make the transition easier for my daughter too. A welcomed distraction. I know if I survive January, it will be hard not to have a breakdown.
I keep thinking about how all of this will effect my daughter?
Just like the ED keeps me from any kinda recovery, the cycle of being in an abusive relationship does the same thing. It keeps me second guessing myself and wondering if I should just stop wishing for more or a better life, maybe I don't deserve that. Maybe I should just get off my high horse.
After dressing my daughter for school my husband wakes up and decides to take her instead of me.
I crawl back into bed and start to doze off.
My husband returns and gets in my bed.
I sleep clutching a pillow. I've slept this way after I lived alone for the first time when my husband and I split up when my daughter was two.
It was the first time in more than a decade that I didn't have someone in my bed.
I remember sleeping alone those first few months, they were awful, I cried myself to sleep every night. The pillow came in handy, something warm to hug and snuggle against, something that didn't make me feel so alone. To this day I need two pillows to sleep with and I think I always will.

When my husband got in my bed, I placed the pillow between us as a barrier, I already saw where this was leading and felt uncomfortable. He proceeds to make the situation worse.
"C'mon just let me cuddle with you it's cold outside." he insists while tugging at my pillow.
Why do you make it worse for yourself?
I don't like that, leave me alone!

He doesn't listen and it blows up into a huge fight. I remind him that I don't love him and wanna live alone,
 he calls me a selfish bitch and tells me to go fuck myself.
He goes shower and dresses for work then decides to go back to sleep in his own bed.
I fall back asleep and wake up after noon. He wakes up too and keeps getting ready. I dress to get my daughter and figure he would be in a better mood.
I ask him if he wants to take the leftovers from dinner to work as he mentioned doing so last night.
He tells me to throw the food away and acts like an asshole again.
He leaves.
I drive to my daughters school to go pick her up and he's already there. His car is parked in the adjacent building's almost vacant parking lot. I park my car next to his and roll down my window. He leans into my door.
"Why can't we work it out."
I tell him its because I no longer am in love with him.
I just wanna work and start over with my life.
He begins to tell me I'm throwing away years of history, I told him he did that already when he decided to have an affair.
I told him the reality is we are strangers. I don't know him anymore and I'm not the same girl as before. Too many things have happened that have hardened my heart. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't trust anyone.
He says we have tons of things in common. He begins to list things that aren't even nouns. Listening to him talk infuriates me. Why doesn't he just get it?
We don't have anything in common, not a single thing other than we share a child together. After 10 minutues of a wasted effort on his part he leaves after my daughter is seated and buckled in my back seat.
I drive back home where I immediately get to binging and purging.
I feel like shit.
I'm scared to not find a job soon.
I may have to do degrading things for money.
I may start drinking more even just to forget them and myself.
Sometimes I think God has abandoned me.
I think maybe I'm just a bad person and that's why my life is so awful.
I must be, I've never been this miserable before.
I don't wanna live anymore. I wish I didn't have a reason to.

I wanna give up thinking that I will ever meet someone again, maybe I shouldn't
Love and all that gets you in trouble. It always ends bad, I'll just get hurt again.
How can I even possibly love anything again with this broken heart of mines.
All I wanna do is just dry up to nothing.
Weigh nothing.
I want my outsides to match my inside.

I'm just tired of fighting, so so tired..


Claire said...

Please don't give up on yourself. You're on your way to freedom! This will bring greatness for you. You will see the beautiful woman I see. Hang in there- you'll find happiness again, you deserve it! xxxxxxxxxxxx

Peridot (G+P) said...

Sorry I haven't been commenting for months. I turned into a hermit and social phobic >.< I was thinking about you and Miss B every day, there was just no ability to put things into words.

Once God gets tabs on a person, he doesn't let them go easily. He's probably doing something behind the scenes where you can't see him. Hang in there, you'll find out what it is soon.

UGH that man is a douche! You have the patience of a saint to put up with his crap as much as you do! Stick to your guns, staying in a toxic environment is all kinds of bad for you.

You two looked totally adorable and the Nutcracker looked awesome!

I hope you have a good weekend <3

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