Today is one of those days where I feel like Garfield the cat dreading the beginning of the long boring week.
I've taken my meds today, trying to kick this depression bout. It's not easy to slow the beast down but I have to be able to function. Depression is awful and it brings out the worst in me. I start to feel sorry for myself and the wallowing helps nothing. I have to pull it together, there is no other way. December is the month that I have to pull a rabbit outta my hat, have to get my act together. The clock is ticking and I will be on my own soon.
The dreaded weigh in, ugh not looking forward to stepping on the scale but I have to. I didn't b/p yesterday after my tumultuous day at Walmart. I did workout though. I have no idea where I get the energy to do so but I managed. So I expect the scale to read 110lbs still, I expect a plateau.
I undress step on the scale and wait for the little red numbers to flash and dictate how my day will go.
What the deuce??
One day of actual fasting and working out like a mule actually knocked me back down to this weight?
I didn't realize that I was smiling until my Husband walked in on me.
"What are you doing?" he eyes me up and down, scrutinizing look on his hungover face.
Last night I went to bed early, and left my yahoo messenger open. Happy Tuesday woke me up. The night before he and I had an amazing conversation, so amazing I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We go down memory lane a lot and start rehashing how great it is to be around each other in person. Then it gets a little bit naughty and boom instant gratification for us both.
No repeat Sunday night though, instead I chat with him while my husband watched The Food Network pre-recorded shows on the DVR talking his whiskey clouded head off to me. I paid attention best I could but listening to him was giving me an actual headache. His whiskey slurred convo really stunk. When he's saturated with that liquor smell he reminds me of my mother sitting in the living room in the dark talking and cussing at me, telling me things like I wish I could give you up for adoption, or you don't love anyone do you??
At 12years old this is the last thing I want to hear, what the hell did I do other than breathe to merit such put downs??
After a nice non sexual chat with Happy Tuesday my husband started giving me dirty hateful looks, this was the sign to cut the conversation short otherwise I'd be in Fight Country pretty soon. Sometimes I think my husband is a drink away from going upside my head. I won't test that theory.
Happy Tuesday had his own troubles, the Ewok just woke up and was pissed. She's jealous of our friendship and me in general. So we stopped chatting at 2am much to both our disappointment.
Hubby and I went to bed twenty minutes later.
I'm just weighing myself I tell him.
"How much you weigh today?" when he looks at me I wonder just what he sees.
I weigh 115lbs ugh so FAT!
My husband rolls his eyes and closes the door. Once I start with the weight talk he bolts. He's tired of telling me otherwise. He's tired of trying to convince me the Fat Girl no longer exists, and the weight gain is all in my head.
I lie to him about my actual weight.
I think I'm going to start lying about how much I really weigh to non-disordered folk. Why you ask?
Well after my last fight with Happy Tuesday and how he threatened to stop being my friend if I lost more weight, what's to say others won't feel like that too. Maybe I can lose all I want and answer to no one.
I'm giving myself all of December to lose as much as I can. Gonna try.
So I shower and dress to start Monday.
My daughter has her school play on Wednesday. Her costume is not all together yet so this means going back to Walmart.
Walmart is a War Zone.
I think it's because they still have Lay-away going on.
It has to be. So many people in the store. I've already popped a Buspar and I'm doing fine. I hate crowds and waiting. My arms and legs are so sore from yesterday's up and down the stairwell. Good thing no repeat today.
The truth is the fact that my weight is back down makes me so hopeful. Maybe I can finally bring this back down to entirely.
Browsing the store and grabbing all I can whilst bumping into carts and rude customers the shopping is done. I even manage to get the shake and hair dye today.
I found me a nice dress for the event at school too. I'm hoping it won't be too cold out seeing as it's a short dress I will be wearing.
I want to look my best for my daughter.
The irony of it all is that around this time last year I was 109lbs.
I can't believe I've been yo-yoing all this time. The bulimia is ruining me.
I was once 102lbs and before I had my daughter 95lbs. I can do this again.
I will lose this weight again.
She and I made a Gingerbread House the other day, I posted pic on FB but not Blogger, I've plum forgot, nevertheless here are both sweet goodies.
I plan to workout some more and there are leftovers in fridge so won't need to cook. I plan to go for a walk tonight with my daughter and husband. I want some fresh air.
I still have no idea what to do for work but I'm still applying to anything. I hope God can put something in my way soon.
The Boy and I have cooled things a lot. We tether more along the lines of friends now. I like it.
The pressure is off.
It's a little awkward at times but we manage, we're still finding our footing. I won't hurt him, he's a great guy and will make some lucky girl very happy one day, but not this girl.
I'm looking for more.
I'll find it, there's plenty of time for that later on.
Right now my focus is getting my life in order for my daughter. So we can have a second chance. A happier one.
|Lil Miss B. (1month old)|
So small she fit in a Christmas stocking. They grow up so fast. Everything I do is for her, all the pain I endure so she won't, all the hustle and bustle, my purpose on this earth is to make sure she is okay.