Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Where is the Anvil?

I'm still sick with the flu.
I'm feverish and incoherent. Been bedridden and now 108lbs.
My period is killing me with cramps. Being bedridden isn't as much fun as it sounds. You run outta things to do and dreams with a 103 fever are awful. I keep having nightmares with food undertones.
I've been reading and on YouTube. Sipping tea for my cramps and sleeping.

"Skinny" by Ibi Kaslik
Monday night was spent in bed wrapped in a burrito like state trying to keep the hot and cold flashes at bay.
Happy Tuesday popped up for a chat, or rather a depressing chat. I had to end our conversation early. God he drowns in cups of water sometimes. There are bigger problems that most of us face daily and don't complain as much. I really need to get a new set of friends. I wish Santa would bring me a feelings repellent. I've been working on trying to feel less for him, he's going to hurt me anyways this I know..I need a lifetime partner not a partime lover.
Maybe this could be a 2012 resolution?
I went to bed soon after and this morning decided to head to the Housing Agency and check on my case. My daughter has been complaining about an earache and my fear is a roach has moved in. My apartment is infested with them, I swear one of the roaches gave me the finger the other day.
My husband drops my daughter off at school this morning while I drag my feverish flu riddled body outta bed. I weigh and yes 108lbs again.
Great, where is 107?? why can't I lose anything other than my mind?
I dress in layers and its a cool 75 degrees outside. It feels like 40 to me.
My husband drops me off at the Housing Department's front door and I instantly get apprehensive. I hate talking to any kinda official, my anxiety always gets me and I clam up. In the large building's lobby I wait for the front desk clerk to call me forward.
Here we go...
Before being allowed to go upstairs and past the security, my license is scanned and I'm taken a picture of. The clerk does a double take and the usual song and dance over my weight loss is brought up. The clerk wants to lose 15lbs by New Year's..
She looks like she weighs 130lbs and stands at 5'5..I think she looks thin to me and good for her age, she has to be pushing 45 I think.
She gushes over my loss and wants detailed instructions on how to lose immediately. I sigh silently and tell her the company line. Exercise, eat moderately, no sugar or soda, fast food..blah blah how does anyone buy it. I hear myself give advice and I can't stand it. I remember when I was pushing 200lbs hearing thinner people give me advice on how to lose and I would think to myself it's all bullshit and I would rather jump out a window. Yet here we are the shoe on the other foot and now I'm the annoying thinner person flapping their gums.
I finally gain clearance and head upstairs. I want to know about this supposed waiting list I'm on, it's been two years now, I know these things take time but crikey I'm getting older and so is my kid.
I speak to two women who tell me my case worker who manages my building's tenant files won't come in till Thursday, I can come back and speak to her. They give me odd looks when I mention just how long I've been on this list. I'm starting to worry. They refer me to the leasing office that's near my old neighborhood and tell me to head there and ask to just to make sure all is on the up and up.
In that building's lobby my social security is ran and the bomb gets dropped.
I'm not on the list. Looks like maybe my cunt case worker forgot to hit the send button on that application's email.
Two years I've been given the run around-TWO YEARS!!!!!
Every time I would ask about my case and the list I was told I had to wait, I was not a priority, just wait. of course I'm not a priority, she didn't even bother opening my file and checking to see who I was.
Well no more. I'm tired of waiting, look what waiting has cost me.
I go back Thursday and will try to sort this all out with her supervisor. I don't know how this is even legal.
I have a breakdown in my car and haven't stopped crying all day. My husband is very quiet today. He told me earlier to "have faith." I chewed him out.
I feel like I'm being punished all the time, I told him I hope he's happy for ruining my life. I wish I never met him. If he hadn't decided to stick his dick elsewhere I wouldn't be here today. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, all I know is that I wanna slit my fucking wrists. I keep waiting for the anvil to drop on me already.

Well what else..the fish died today.
Yup the fucking fish dies!
My daughter took it okay, she was all too excited to give him a burial at sea.
I'm still feverish and have b/p 1x today. As I write this I picture pizza.
I'm also dizzy so I won't b/p anymore. Every time I get up everything tries to fade to black.
I wanted to binge on laxatives too, but have decided against it.
I'm so depressed.
Happy Tuesday is too, he popped on my messenger and started that wallowing business again. Said he's depressed because he can only afford to give his loved ones one gift a piece.
Wow, really??
I'd like to have those kinda problems for once.
I'm so lonely, wish I had someone to cuddle with and nurse me back to health. It stinks to have noone that loves me. I always end up with these oddballs, they all want a temporary fix. No one wants a long term relationship anymore.
When did people stop lovingone another?
Bah Humbug.


Em D said...

Feel better soon :)

Angie said...

God you're gorgeous. Stay strong! <3