Monday, August 19, 2013

Back to Reality

I've been awake all night, I actually started drinking last night around 8 o'clock and passed out until 11pm.
The drinking didn't help anything, I just cried myself to sleep.
When I got up my phone was full of missed calls and texts. I couldn't talk to anyone. I've just been too sad. Too much on my mind and so I stayed awake all night until 5am where I drifted off to sleep only to be awaken again at 6am.
I woke up sick from booze and laxatives. My eyes were swollen, I looked frightening.
I rubbed Preparation H all over my eyes in hopes that the swelling would go down. I shower with hot water and cry some more. My ear is swollen today, looks bruised even, I clean it and am able to manipulate the bar more.
I start to get dressed. It's the first day of school and I'm not ready. I'm anxious and sick.
I come out the shower and dry, I weigh myself and have lost a pound.
I get ready for work, drying my hair that's longer and isn't falling out as much, thank God for small favors.
I stare at my misshapen naked body and sigh heavily. I'm trapped in this body that feels alien to me.
Ed is loud today in his drill sergeant voice. "Well Girlie, don't go all soft today, we have to fast. You can do this."
Yes sir.

I dress in whatever I can find, geesh you wanna know something...
I can't even recall what I wore today, if it wasn't for a bad picture taken with daughter by my ex, I still would have no clue what I wore today. I'm mentally spent.
I blast my Ipod.
I currently have three songs on repeat...
1) Monsta's "Holding On" with it's lyrics
"Broken footsteps on the floor,
Pick myself up and carry on, cause somethings waiting for me,
And I wont let them write my soul,
Keep my direction and soon I'll be turned to gold.
A king without a throne, a heart without a home,
Just cards that I've been dealt in life,
I'll walk the road alone, but my hope will never die.."
and it's Chorus:
 "I keep holdin' on
I keep, I keep, I keep holdin!
I keep holdin' on"

2)Birdy Nam Nam's "Goin In" with it's lyrics "I'm going wild for the night, fuck being Polite!" screaming at me.

3) Jay Z's "Holy Grail" that just is the epitome of how I feel.
It's lyrics and hooks are too relatable:
(Hook 1)
"You'd take the clothes off my back and I'd let you
You'd steal the food right out my mouth and I'd watch you eat it
I still don’t know why, why I love you so much, ohh
You curse my name, in spite to put me to shame
Have my laundry in the streets, dirty or clean, give it up for fame
But I still don't know why, why I love it so much.."
(Hook 2)
"And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, Holy Grail"

But my all time favorite part of the whole this line.
"You still alive, still that nigga
Nigga you survived, you still getting bigger nigga" I fucking love this part.
That's right, one thing I know how to do is survive, it's my Superpower, and it's just as good as Invisibility, or Super Strength.

After I'm dressed, my ex calls to tell me he's outside, my daughter is wearing her brand new uniform and I have to just comb her hair and put my shoes on so we can leave. She looks nervous.
We head out to her school and it's gridlock. We actually have to park far away from her school and walk the remainding way.
I'm void of feeling and have a blank stare on. My ex on the other hand is a ball of nerves. When he's nervous he's annoying.
Omg he was a total jerk today.
My daughter is nervous, it's a new school, no friends, new surroundings, teachers. I remember crying heading out to school when I was her age, so I knew how she felt.
We are told to go to the cafeteria to get her classroom info. My ex is being annoying by reprimanding my daughter for being extra clingy. I know she's scared because she keeps hugging me and burring her face in my stomach. She looks very shy and like she wants to cry. I wish my ex would just chill out because I don't want my daughter to cry. I want her to be okay, I'm the cry baby in our little family not her.
My ex is acting like a jerk, complaining of people skipping us in line and the fact that it's getting so late. It's 8:30 and I'm going to be late for work, my ex is complaining like he's late too, when all I know he wants to do is take his hungover ass back to sleep.
Her classroom is on the second floor, there's a main staircase that gets bombarded the minute we're allowed to go up there, I get separated from my kid and ex at some point, I see my daughter looking back and telling her dad "Mommy, wait for Mommy."
He doesn't care. He keeps dragging her forward.
I'm even apologizing for him because he cut ahead of other people.
Once upstairs I have an idea of where her classroom is, he tells me I'm wrong, then says ask somebody.
I shake my head and the anger builds up inside of me. I want to just blow up on this man, but I don't the weak part of me just internalizes the problem.
I say a little prayer, patience Lord!
He finds another staff member then has the nerve to shout "Go ahead ask her!" and by asking he means shoving me forward. I tell him no YOU ask her shit.
He does finally and guess where the classroom was, right the fuck where I said it was.
We're in line to meet her teacher who's this short black woman named Ms. Smith. She's very polite, my ex curses under his breath as other parents skip us.
I finally am in front of new teacher and reach out to shake her hand.
"Good Morning Ms. Smith, I'm Lou and this my daughter Brenee."
All is well again as manners prevail. Honestly I don't understand some people.
Anyways the first day of school is done and I drive to work and park in the dreaded funhouse garage. I don't wear a splint today, my arm is much better. I run my ass to work and my face falls as I have to work with Dragon Lady who is trying to be more polite, but she still has her asshole moments.
I've been so quiet today at work, I think I've said no more than 30 words to anyone not counting phonecalls.
I punch out at noon and head home, I'm tired and want to rest but no have to run some errands first, I don't do the Mental Health Clinic today, there is no time.
Around 3:15 my ex calls me all hysterical because they've sent my daughter home with paperwork. To myself, I'm like calm the fuck down.
I sigh and suggest he come over so I can fill them out since this man is effing hopeless.
I hear all about my daughter's first day and it's okay.
We all got through the day.
I'm super sad and have actually spoken to my boyfriend who apologized, but I tell him I need the rest of the week to just sit on things and think. He was very disrespectful and verbally abusive to me, so much so it made me feel like those moments in my marriage where I felt like an utter piece of shit. Where I'd rather just die than be stuck with someone that's so mean. I don't ever want to feel like that again, I've struggled to rebuild my life and move forward, I don't want to back peddle anymore.
I need time to just focus on my daughter and her intro into this new school year.
I can't forgive him now or even hear his voice without recalling angry disgusting voicemails. I need time to think. To reset.
So that's it.

Ed-wise, Day 2 no food or drink. I'm too sad to eat, frankly I don't care anymore.
I won't always feel like this but so far, it is what it is.

My friend read some of my book last night and had to text me, so far she's said "It's Riveting."
I'm excited for further book reviews.
So that's it for now. Hope you all have had a lovely day and forgive me for the silence on my part, am just emotionally stunted right now and feeling all kinds of miserable.
I'll bounce back, but not just yet. I'll be okay, I'm just trying to pay my bills and keep this roof over our heads. I'd love a phone right now, my cell is horrible, any second will just crash and burn.

I love you all.
Talk again real soon.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Fuck I hate when that happens (The drinking-making-sad thing) and I totally understand the social-avoidance.


I'm stuck on 'Rolling Girl' by Hatsune Miku and 'Tomorrow will be kinder' by the Secret Sisters. (Vain hopes, yeah?)

Aaaah new schools are terrifying! I wanna let a flock of parrots loose in his flat when he's hungover -.- OH NO! PAPERWORK! THE WORLD IS ENDING! Grow the fuck up, n00by Mcn00bpants!

Could I possibly maybe read some of your book? There are bribes on the way to you, unfortunately I forgot to put in a backup stick. Gah. Next time!