Sunday, August 18, 2013

The calm before the storm

My boyfriend and I have broken up.
We had a huge argument and now I think things are just so outta hand, so much was said, this may be the end.
I love this man like you wouldn't believe, but I have a lot on my plate these days, I have too much and well, if he's not meant to be than who am I to go against the bigger cosmic plan that's out there for me.
I wish him the best and hope he has a lovely life whatever that may be.

It's my daughter's first day of school tomorrow and I just have to focus on that and work. I'm excited and nervous for her to start. I'm going to wake up in the morning and get ready for work, my ex is bringing my daughter over and I'll get her ready for school. We'll then go together to her new school and start the Monday morning. I'm still missing a few details with school supplies and uniform issues but I'm sure I'll get it sorted throughout the week. I pick up her new eyeglasses on Tuesday.
I think I'm more nervous than my daughter but, I'm also very excited for her, I feel like this school year is a much needed second chance...for us both. I'm going to do my hardest to push her and make sure she excels and fits in.
I thank God for this chance, I'm happy for new beginnings.

I spent the day with my kid's Godmother today wrapping up her back to school shopping. It was nice being around family today because I needed it.
We were in Walmart and my boyfriend was sending me unpleasant texts. I tried my best not to cry in front of anyone but you know how that goes. I kept getting stared at by people in Walmart who had no business staring on account of their wardrobe choices!When your heart breaks, there's no consoling you.
Thank God for my friend, my sister from another mister, she was there for me and had reassuring words, lol she even gave me a hug in the cereal aisle and she's not the hugging kind, but I appreciated the gesture although I must say we hugged in an awkward angle and she got my piercing...OUCH!!!
I love this girl so much.
We've been talking about moving in together since we all are having financial issues, honestly, I think I want to. We wouldn't live in Miami though, we are thinking of moving out of Florida altogether. I'll see her more this week so we can discuss further.
It would be nice to be around people, I've known her since I was nine years old. She's family and I need to be around people who truly know me and love me regardless.

She wasn't able to read the novel on account of how late she got home yesterday. I was nervous awaiting her reaction to my novel.
She's going to actually do me a solid and print out remanding five chapters of my novel for me from her job. That's great because Ink is so expensive.
She has a job opportunity for me in sales, I see her again this week so we'll try our best to venture forward, lord knows I need the money right now.
My child support and petty checks aren't cutting it, I actually need a new cellphone. I can't afford the latest smartphones or get one and sign up for a two year contract and bill. Anyone have a spare disconnected phone they'd like to donate??
Doesn't have to be an Iphone, but something that has internet and a camera at least since I have no cable or internet anymore, got home and my service was gone.
 I'm actually blogging from my phone. No more Vlogs folks. Looks like I'll be writing whether I like it or not.
Maybe this is God's way of making me write more, pushing me to finish my novel soon.
I can't wait to be done with it. I'm so excited for the ending.
I just want to publish it in any way I can and see if it will touch anyone out there.
Am I really any good or have I just been fooling myself all this time?

I haven't eaten anything all day and have binged on nothing but laxatives all day.
The one good thing about me being sad is that I don't eat so looks like I'll be losing weight.
My friend's worry for me is just that, she's seen the better of me these past few months and then she's one of the few who's seen me at my lowest scariest weight ever.
I'm just not hungry. I feel powerful not eating at all, I haven't even had anything to drink all day.
I feel sad but ED-WISE, I'm bloody brilliant right now.

I'm going to text a triggering friend tomorrow who's been doing awful, she's bad news but the way I feel right now, I could use her in my ear all day.
I've missed her. I've missed losing weight. I welcome it sadly. It's the one thing I know can cheer me up instantly. I don't wanna feel heartbroken. I want to feel better.

My ex stuck around for a bit when he picked up my kid, the distraught look on my face was too apparent. I think after I get out of work tomorrow I'll drive over to my old Mental Health Clinic and talk to someone about getting back into therapy. Find out exactly how dire my insurance woes are.
Now that I'm no longer in a relationship, I need third party intervention, I just need someone to listen since the one person who did, is no longer there.
Maybe they can help me, maybe they can't.
I just don't know.
I just don't wanna get all suicidal again.
I can't do that again.
I want meds, I want to feel nothing.

Its so boring and quiet in my house now. I miss my kid. I'll be on my own for the next few days and I welcome Ed back home.
My friend told me about an extra shift I can pick up on floating, maybe I'll take her up on that. Be as distracted as possible, consumed by everything else around me in hopes to miss meals and feel less heartbroken.
I wish it was a year later and I have moved on to that next phase of my life whatever it is.
So that's it for today.
I'll let you know how tomorrow turns out.
I've missed being on here, talking to you all.
I may disappoint some of you but go easy on me am not perfect, I have tons in my head, Depression, Ed, now really Single Mother, anxiety and neurosis. I'm trying to make ends meet here folks.
This is the best that I can do.
I love you all, take care and we'll talk again soon.


Anonymous said...

Am sending all my prayers, good wishes n blessings your way, the lord has a bigger n better plan for you that doesnt include me, theres someone better that will never bring you down, i am so sorry for all the stupid, ridiculous things i said n wrote they were rabid nonsense but i felt pretty dissapointed, insulted, disrespected n hurt myself, as ive told you thats why i have no friends, my personality n temper werent made to share with another person not of my own blood, it just takes a wrong word or gesture to affect me in a way where i cant look at that person in the same way, i love you no matter what though

Ellie Belle said...

I am so sorry to hear this. All of my warm fuzzy thoughts are with you. Shoot me a message and let me know how I can help. Much Love

Nasimiyu said...

I am sorry about the breakup, and I hope things look up soon! xo

ruby-tuesday said...

So sorry Lou to hear that you broke up
I'm presuming that first comment is from him
But you know what Lou?
You are a tough cookie
Just like me you have been through more than enough shit in your life and you always bounce back
What you're going through is hard
So freakin' hard
Someone once told me that emotions are like waves
Like waves they roll in fast and strong an intense
But if we just ride it out the tide washes them back out to sea
Sometimes it feels overwhelming
Like it's too much
But it will pass and life will go on

You know Lou you are strong
Your strength shines out of you

Take good care of yourself, you are at a vulnerable place
Be kind to yourself
Be gentle with yourself
You are precious

Sending love and hugs your way x