Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Negative Nancy

It's Tuesday and I'm exhausted.
I've been on a depressive rollercoaster and I want to get off.

I wake up this morning and I'm actually 15 minutes early to work. I have a coffee, a banana, and half of a bagel. My weight is not good but I haven't gained. The drinking from the night before hasn't affected me. My drunken dreams of me loosing my front tooth are my only memory.
I've heard teeth loss equals death in dreams. Let's hope its just that a dream..

Work is fine, minus the funhouse garage that I dread every morning. Oh and that on September 1, Labor Day I'm not working which means no time and a half, which means one day of missed work and a check that will be just as disappointing as the last one.

I get up and dress for work every morning feeling defeated because my clothes don't fit or I hate that I've gained weight.
I usually dress up in all black.
My preggers pharmacist has asked me why do I dress in black all the time.
I jokingly tell her it's in mourning of a body I once had before I was a mother.
This actually isn't far from the truth. I am in mourning of a body that I had a year ago which has slipped away. A control I had which is gone too. Now I'm just a big fat nobody.

My phone is horrible, my battery is being drained at a rapid rate thanks to the camera malfunction. The camera cuts on at all times and keeps taking pictures.
It's infuriating and I've had enough.
My sister who is constantly upgrading her smartphones for herself and her family tells me to just go online at Tmobile and order a phone, get into a two year contract.
So I try to do just that, the online site is having technical troubles, I can't process my order.
Or at least get into the next step of the process.
No one told me they had to run a credit check, to get a so called 0$ phone..
I get an error code and a 1-800 number pops up, so I now have to call on this phone that drives me mad.
The sales person on the other line has to basically redo my order and take all my information again. When we finally reach that final process again of checking my credit and seeing if I can qualify, the fucking call drops!
I call again and get another rep.
This time we get through it.
So no big surprise, I don't qualify for anything. The rep doing her job was trying to sell me on other phones which would've been fine except it means coming up with money up front and I don't have that, I need to get a phone on credit.
I'm pissed and disappointed most of all.

I should've known the minute they ran my credit this would happen.
My credit is not stellar. The bad thing about still being legally married is that our credit is still tied up.
My ex is currently still acquiring things on credit.

Today as I'm getting out of work, I go to a Tmobile store and the sales rep runs my credit and in person tells me the same shit. I'm embarrassed and finally just succumb to the notion that I just can't have things. I have to just take what I can get. I'm not worthy enough for some things.

Defeated, I head straight home .

I head up to garage and check underneath my car and their is a big brown leak.

Today is one my older brother's birthday so I call him and ask about what the leak could be, he seems to think it's the oil.

My brother can pass my Sunday and check to see what's going on.
I don't even know if I want to find out what's wrong with this car, I know I need new tires, a radio, air conditioning, and brakes. My brakes are so squeaky it's embarrassing.
Frankly I feel like not driving the car anymore and just walking again everywhere.
A car is a huge expensive responsibility. I'm having trouble making ends meet let alone saving for rainy days such as these.

My daughter apparently needs some sort of Binder now for school.
My ex texts me frantic yesterday not knowing what to do.
He wants us to go together and buy it, I snap and tell him to buy it himself, shit he can.
Idk why it has to be so hard for him to just do important things on his own, I can't do it all, I'm drowning here.

Then today guess what..
I find out something else from my ex.
He tells me he takes her to school and I told you all we have to drop her off on the basketball court, the classes have to form lines and wait for the teacher to go inside.
My ex sticks around and witnesses something awful.
My daughter is being bullied.
There's a girl in her class that's older looking, taller and as my sweet daughter sits on ground, she walks up to my kid and starts counting with her fingers, she gets to four and my daughter stands up and heads to back of the line.
My ex heads to the line and finds out what is happening.
He scolds the bully who counts to five before making kids move to the back of the line.

I feel bad, all I've been doing is just dropping her off and rushing to work, completely oblivious to this.
I have to talk to her tomorrow and let her now this is not ok.
I have a talk with my ex and let him know that he has to put his part in her appearance, he can't send her to school looking bummy and things, all that does is set her up for failure.
I hate the idea of my daughter feeling as defeated as me that she just allows people to walk all over her.
I'd gladly let 1000 people treat me like shit everyday than anyone person in particular even come close to treating her that way.
What can I do? Why is this happening?

I've been bp all day.
If I could take laxatives I would, but alas am too broke to do so.
I managed to work out but who cares as if that does anything to help me. My misshapen figure.
I'm in a horrible place right now, am completely self loathing and feel desperate for money.
I've been thinking all kinds of horrible useless nonsense.
Thinking about a second job, not that I could really apply for one. For example would apply to Mcdonalds or some fast food joint to work on Monday and Tuesday nights. That would be ideal except that idea won't work because let's face it folks, fast food places need people for weekends really. Two night's a week? that's unheard of.
I'd strip if I had a better fit body instead of this flabby one. I've been thinking of being a webcam model, entertaining men's request, and finally just thinking about being an escort. Lord knows I have awful Men hit on me daily.
I should just put myself to use. I know a lot of mom's who unfortunately have had to do this at some point in their life. I don't judge them, being a single parent is hard, and it's harder if all the triumphs and failures are solely reflected on you.

I feel very desperate right now. My daughter needs me, she shouldn't have to pay the price just because her loser mom can't get her life in order.

Forgive me for thinking incredibly ridiculous nonsense.
Time alone does me no good.
I'm my worst enemy.
I may follow though or I may not.
Right now I feel like I could, like I could just do anything because I'm alive but not living.
So that's it, I've had enough to drink, so I think now I can comfortably pass out till 5 am.
I love you all and thanks for reading.


Ellie Belle said...

It's so maddening that I cant think of anything helpful to say or do for you.
You are as always in my thoughts and I am here if you want to talk.

Peridot (G+P) said...

Dressing in black=no colour coordination problems AND you look classy at all times. Plus you can accessories with ANY colour and look fantastic.

Fuck that sucks. How long until you can properly separate so that dick isn't fucking your credit up?

What the fuck is wrong with that bully girl? Geeze her behaviour is pathetic. You get people like that everywhere, I wish there was a way to avoid them. Give your daughter a big hug from me, ok?

Mate, you don't need to ask for forgiveness when your brain is making you feel like arse. If you need it, I give it to you anyway. Gah I wish I could send you some pennies, but our exchange rate is going down the toilet and they'd probably make you pay tax on it or something. (Plus this new GCSB bill means they'd probably think we were terrorists or something with our shitty luck, lol!)

Fuck I hope I got the right address on Friday. You should have something interesting in the mail in the next week or so if I did. It's not much, but it should provide a bit of distraction.

2.5mins of insanity:

Arohanui <3