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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Depessed

I'm tired, slept a few hours before being violently awaken by laxatives at 3am.
Was curled in fetal position in pure pain. Felt like throwing up.
So that was the start to my very long day.
Dozed off from exhaustion at 6am, and alarm is back at 630.
I get up and shower, the usual piercing cleaning goes on, no puss today.
I wake my daughter up from school, who proceeds to put blanket over her on head.
Oh no you don't kid, get up, I'll be late..later than usual for work.
I haven't been eating or sleeping for four days now. As I'm getting ready for work, the smoke alarm goes off?
I don't understand why, I start to fan it vigorously thinking maybe a roach crawled in there setting off the sensor, but its the burning smell that gets my attention. My stove is on and a small pot is burning up.
I remove the pot and open a window.
What just happened?
I don't remember doing this, but it seems at some point after waking up and showering, then getting my kid up, I must've put a pot of water to boil for coffee?
I don't remember for the life of me doing this.
Not eating, sleeping and being bone sad is affecting me horribly. Thank God nothing serious happened but I need to rest soon, suddenly the looming Friday is looking like a Godsend.

My daughter takes a shower and then we get ready and out the door at 8am.
I park far away and we walk the rest of the way. It's my first time taking her to school alone since our first day on Monday. I'm not too sure what to do so I ask my kid.
We wait outside on a giant basketball court and all classrooms wait in lines under hoops.
I find my daughter's line and it's time to say goodbye. I give her a hug and kiss goodbye. Lil Miss B goes and sits on the ground with her other classmates. I don't know why I turned around, but when I did I caught her face so serious, she's wearing her new uniform and glasses and suddenly I have an overwhelming feeling to just cry.
I feel so bad for my kid, I feel so sorry for her.
I want this school year to be better for her, I want us to have a fresh start.
Maybe if I was a better mother, we wouldn't have to keep resetting our lives, if I could just keep my shit together long enough to have roots somewhere.
I wish I could tell you the sadness went away but no. This awful, melancholy stayed with me like my shadow. And just like a shadow, gets larger and smaller, changes depending on the time of day.
I park in the funhouse garage and the elevator door is still busted so have to go down the ramp. I then walk to work and am actually ten minutes give or take early.
I head to Starbucks for coffee and a bagel. It's been four days of fasting, I feel like shit.
I have time to get a couple of sips of coffee in and a bite or two of bagel when oh no, It's five minutes away to 9am.
Where is the time going!?
I rush to work and its the Dragon Lady. Shit.
I punch in and she immediately is asking about today's truck order that I have to put up, about five or so boxes of pills.
She needs to dispense a controlled substance and I have to get the crate and then look at the manifest and sign it agreeing that all controls were accounted for. I do finally and she's happy.
I'm busy all day making calls, putting up the order, and doing tons of production.
Dragon lady isn't so bad today. I think she's trying.
The other tech gets there and then it's almost time for me to go home. The dreaded walk back am hating funhouse garage but as I'm turning the corner, some man is opening front door so I flag him down and tell him to hold the door, yes!
I can head straight upstairs and fetch my car.
I make it home in record time and arrive to a messy house.
The cats have pissed the bathroom carpet and puked on my daughter's comforter, there's black cat hair everywhere too. Omg am so mad. Damn animals trying to make me be domestic when I clearly have no desire to do so right now.
These furry little assholes, If there's any hair shedding, pissing on rugs and puking it's gon be me, I'm the only one allowed to do these things.
I need new roommates.

I need to clean and cook but that requires leaving the house.
Ugh fine.
I head back to get food, cat litter and some cleaner that smells like pine.
When I get back home I throw meat in messy sink, put up refridgerated items and drop shoes and rest of bags on floor before crawling into bed and doing nothing most of the day until it's time to get my daughter from school.
When I pick her up at 3pm sharp, its so hot out.
I don't see her teacher yet, it's going on 3:15 and still no sign.
I call my ex to ask am I at right spot?
He says well since you got there late they take em back to classrooms, I tell him I'm not late, I came right on time. I hate how just assumes it's always something I'm doing.
There's a small group of parents and they all are waiting for my daughter's teacher. So this is a reoccurring thing then, the tardiness.
Finally my daughter's class arrives and I grab her and go.
We head home and I start dinner. Then proceed to binge/purge it.
I'm super drained form purging and lay my dizzy flat ass down in the bed and do nothing.
Haven't cleaned or showered or anything. I feel so depressed, I just don't care about anything right now, especially myself.
I manage to drag myself outta bed to help kid with homework, I'm getting upset because she's doing her Math. I did one math problem for her explaining thoroughly how I did it so she can continue on with other problems but she's not even trying or paying attention. Ugh just wanna yell and slam books on tables and clap my hands and say Fucking Wake Up!
I don't of course just go over the same nonsense again hoping it sticks in that head of hers.
We're all done with homework and now it's time to dig in her backpack for dreaded notes.
My daughter has classroom jobs. Each student fills out a "job application" for the position they like.
There's such prestigious positions as "Line Leader, Librarian, Custodian, Treasurer, Attendance Taker, Chalkboard Cleaner, Pencil Sharpener.." etc.
My kid wants to be librarian, so we fill out her job application. Hopefully she will land it!
So that's all for now chugged some Zquil but feel nothing yet, I swear I have roach in me.
Just become immune to things.

Anyways Goodnight lovelies.
Managed to email my friend the rest of novel..so now we wait.






2 comments:

ruby-tuesday said...

Sounds like you had a really tough day Lou
Bit you got through like you always do

I don't have many words for you today
Just know that right now, right this second, someone in a place far away is thinking of you and sending you all the love that I can muster x

Peridot (G+P) said...

Yikes! Shit I hate doing things and forgetting them. I'm so glad you caught it! It's scary :(

None of it is your fault. Life has been playing Asshole McTrollface on you for a while now. You're dealing with it amazingly. If I was in your situation I'd be gibbering mad by now! Go easy on yourself, ok Lou? :)

To solve the cat problems you need corks and varnish. Plug 'em and coat 'em ;)

I've got no words to help with The Sads. Still, sending you hugs and love from the bottom of the world. Arohanui, Lioness Lou.