Fool me once Salt...

                                                                                            Mood:Pissed
Okay here we go.
Last night did salt water flush, was not impressed.
All that this horrid drink did was bloat me.
I have not lost a thing except my mind! Now I have to do this all over again today.
Its 5am and I go weigh. Nothing lost.
Here we go again. I am pissed.
I go ahead and start to make the cleanse, and in addition to that the tea for later and my flush.
So I take my supps and OEP, get the flush going too.
Down the hatch it goes, now I have to lay on the floor like a fish out of water.
One hour just like this. Well, I'm fucking waiting!
Look I can understand that the salt water is supposed to be better, no-"healthier" than a laxative, but you know what BOOOO! no its not.
Tonight I am taking a lax, this is ridiculous. I'm not doing the flush anymore after today. Sorry I'll stick with the tea and the cleanse.
I have to run more errands today and then I'm working out. This is getting ridiculous. No to salt water flush.
I should known better than to trust that. Who in their right mind would drink half of a fish bowl! I feel like all I did was marinade myself with that stupid salty flush. Grr..
So today going to drink my cleanse, tea, work out with OEP and then if I can manage to get some, water pills. Oh yea and lax of course.
The salt can stay in the cabinet with the rest of the condiments where it belongs!
I gave it two days and it did not make a believer out of me. Maybe will work for someone else, not this bitch.
Let's see how the rest of the day goes so far day two of Master Cleanse blows!

Its On!

                                                                                    Mood:Motivated

 Today I am at 130lbs!

Haven't been this weight since before my baby was born.
I am very motivated today, been productive all day.
I woke up this morning and took supps and OEP. Dressed my daughter all in pink since its Breast Cancer Awareness at her school all this week. Her school is raising money and will hold a fundraiser later in the month at a local park. Thursday is pink hair day..that should be interesting?



Examine Yourself this Month!



 On the drive to school I'm pretty chipper about my weight and the fact that I don't feel hungry or dizzy. My daughter is in the back seat as happy as can be she doesn't have to wear a uniform today, then there's husband who decided to go with me this morning because of the new printer I had to buy on account of the broken one that's been accumilating dust on the desk for months.

My daughter has an assignment due and I need to print out several things online. Husband has a sourpuss on today.

Great, its so predictable, the minute I feel good, he feels bad. Never fails!

So my daughter is dropped off and he's back in the car..

Its so nice outside today, the weather outside is real breezy and the clouds are gloomy, little showers pass by and wet the windshield. Its my kind of weather. I can't enjoy for long. I ask him what's wrong?

"What you're not mad anymore?" he keeps avoiding eye contact.

He's referring to my many mood swings, I'm up then I'm down. I happen to think maybe hints of bipolar? I need to be properly diagnosed.

So he makes me feel bad, and its never a good thing to be arguing before 9am and especially end in tears. I was explaining to him that I can't help my mood swings, there is something wrong with me, I don't want to behave this way, I want to be normal like everyone else. I start to cry because I myself can imagine what a pain I must be. In that moment I feel defeated and want to give up more, although depriving myself of food is enough punishment. How much lower can I go? I explain again for the hundreth time and he nods and just wants me to stop crying and feel better. I hate to cry in front of him, but I just couldn't hold it anymore, it really hurts my feelings to be thought of as mean, I'm not. I don't behave this way on purpose. So after things cool down, I'm suppose to fake the smile again. We run our errands and I'm not feeling too dizzy. Hubby decides to have breakfast, he offers me some and I resisted. Ususally self sabotage would've occured by now, not today.  I arrive at Whole Foods and finally found the Grade B Maple Syrup that is required for the Master Cleanse! Eighteen dollars yikes!

Well I got the sea salt too for the flush and more dieter's tea.

I'm home finally after spending half the day in the street driving around. Hubby goes and picks up my daughter from school while I set up the printer and fry Chicken for dinner.

Everything is done and now I prepare to make the Master Cleanse.

This time the cleanse taste different, the proper ingredients make a difference. I taste the syrup and the lemon, the pepper is a spicy after taste that I don't mind. Ok, so I decided to chug this half gallon concoction!
Not the best idea but I foolishly wanted to workout before it got to late. So I've drank all this juice and I am soooo full!
Tomorrow I wil do this differently. Today was kind of rushed and I really just wanted to avoid Mia altogether. I still have to do the saltwater flush later, not looking forward to that at all.

Bonehead move number two-decided to workout right after cleanse.

Note to self don't do that ever again mental girl!

I am full of liquid, on a treadmill and coming down from OEP..Managed to burn 800 cals, nice right? NO!

I am floating, my body is shaking and I feel not dizzy but lightheaded.

I am in the shower and I feel full, like binge full. I'm trying my hardest not to purge all this out! Just have to breathe in and out and try to settle down, I feel like the panic attack wants to come and crash this little party. I still need to drink 32 more ounces of fluid, aka the nasty pure salt water flush. I can't drink it now. I need to wait a bit. I haven't even finished going over my daughter's project. I am utterly alone, hubby is in a food coma from too much fried chicken.

He wouldn't even catch me on time if I passed out right now, he would find me hours later I suspect. Useless.

I'm not getting on that scale, I know its all water bloat but still don't need to see that number yet. Tomorrow I'll post how the salt water flush went, right now I need to lie down and pee some of this out asap!

Feel like a water balloon, I think I have the equivalent of a small water fish tank in my stomach. Ugh hate this full feeling, been running on empty so long.

Grr now the dizzy feeling is back!

Let me go make that darn flush, if I survive the night I'll post results of flush lol!

At wit's end

                                                                                         Mood:Depressed
Last night around 9pm or so, was craving so bad.
I put last night's spaghetti away and decided not to cave. I was incredibly exhausted and dizzy. Well I should know better! Fool me once Mia...
Plateau wee!
So pissed I am stuck at 132..
Went to Walmart to do groceries and completely forgot about the 40$ that I blew at Publix yesterday, totally miscalculated food budget and couldn't even get half of what I really needed in the house. My focus is non existent, I don't even know how I could mess that one up. I'm sure my brain has shrunk centimeter's in diameter already that's the only possible explanation for my many blunders lately.
So the good news is that I at least have the money set aside for the syrup and sea salt and tea for the cleanse. It will have to wait until another day then. Gonna b/p my butt off today and lax. I feel so depressed. At least I know a way to feel better, even if it is the worst possible thing to do.
Panic Attacks in the car on the way to Walmart, then super dizzy and freezing in the store. Had to have my arms folded across my chest just to hide the nips that wouldn't go down. The dizziness came and went. At one point I almost sat down on the floor just to have the spinning stop, instead said a little prayer and God got me safely home in one piece. Now I have the stinging in my chest, trying to come down from the attack. I am so tired of this already! Why is this happening now, I have too much going on already without these stupid attacks too!
Grr so frustrated.
Someone recommended to me this weekend that I just go to the mental ward and let them commit me for three days, once that happens all my troubles will be over, I'll be in the system and can have all these options of help available to me. I have no insurance and the will to get better, where the depression and anxiety are concerned at least. I wonder if one day I'll be rid of these afflictions or at least sedated enough that it doesn't bother me anymore. The psych ward? I don't know about that, once they get their hands on me they may not let me go?
I just want a chance, I hate to have a stop to anything without a try first.
I need asshole classes-I wonder if they have a course like that in college?
I need to be more assertive and say what I want and stop worrying about hurting other people's feelings since mines don't seem to matter. I need a tougher skin and bigger balls. I need to get my point across where it matters the most.
I just need something else to change other than the numbers on the scale. Is that too much to ask?
Tomorrow I'm off to the Whole Foods Store and getting what I need. Hope I have enough energy to both drive and walk..

Close

                                                                                           Mood:Calm
So today I am at 132lbs..
I'm very close to leaving the 130's. I am quite surprised by it actually, I look back at the past two months and it seemed like it took forever to finally get out of each milestone. I think it was because I was too distracted, got caught up and sidetracked. If I'd stuck to my goal instead of investing time in other matters, then maybe 132 would've been here faster. Well now I know better, that won't ever happen again. I need to do me because in the end people come and go, but you're stuck with you forever.
Had to pay a speeding ticket today, wasted half the morning at the courthouse.
Today was also grocery day, couldn't go, had other more important errands to run, tomorrow looks like more of the same.
So I'm still debating the cleanse, I want to do it properly, I think I will try to find the right ingredients and try again for another ten days. I'm worried about the dizziness, the last time the cleanse may have contributed to its intensity.
If I find the proper syrup and salt then I will give it another go. I just don't want to be running around Miami looking for Grade B Maple Syrup and Sea Salt. Who am I kidding? I will be running around looking for it.
I can't give into Mia 100%-it's too exhausting.
B/p today 3x..the number keeps going up again. I can't let it get out of control  like it did awhile back.
My jaw hurts and so do my teeth. I'm so sleepy and have zero energy. I had to push myself to get on the treadmill today.
I want to get out of the 130's already, so close I can see it. My back is killing me, I feel the workout on my shoulders too, its a little bit smaller and tighter back there so I guess that's the trade off.
I am Googling my butt off trying to find this syrup-Ah Whole Foods!
I hope it doesn't cost too much?
My head hurts just thinking about the long drive in the morning sun. I'm going to try and make the effort to find what I need. Maybe I can then finally be rid of Mia for a bit.
The dizzy spell is back now as I'm trying to type..I'm glad, I was craving and this will remind me to stay put. My chest is stinging now, my mouth is dry, haven't had much liquid in there, the phobia of gain and water or anything is too much.
Gotta try to drink something at least, the dehydration can be fatal. I don't want to be hospitalized.
I need rest, a day away somewhere. I'm so tired. When will I have a good day?
Maybe soon I hope.
Off to bed, time to listen to this exhausted carcass when it says its tired.

Checkout

                                                                                        Mood:Happy
11am could not come fast enough for me!
Today is the day I can return back home, fumigation done, tent off.
Weight 133lbs.
I'm glad to be home, finally Internet! Familiar smells and safe quarters. Dragging the luggage back inside, my kitties are meowing in recognition of home. I'm out of breath carrying the rest of the things back inside the warm little house. The hallway is vacant and littered with more corpses than I thought possible, there are more tenants already back and sweeping their own messes. I hope I won't have too many to clean up.
So now I'm back inside the familiar four walls I call home, sweeping up the dead roaches that are scattered all over the place. I thought there would be more casualties, hmm guess I got lucky. No sighting of any big ones, good.
 I'm weak from hanging out with Mia all weekend and hungover still. Leftover Chinese food has come home with me, there is nothing else in this house, the cupboards are bare, and the fridge doesn't even have water, may have to run to the store later. Have a lax in my bag for tonight, and ten dollars that can go towards a binge. Tomorrow is Grocery day so I guess I just have to hold off until then?
October already and I'm hoping to be out of the 130's this week, will it be possible? I want to just get there already, that number that will bring me  satisfaction. I hope it stops at that number and doesn't keep going, I don't know how much longer I can be a slave to this. I want to live again. Maybe next year will be a fresh start, this year has been too much.  A lot of valuable lessons learned.
So I've gotten settled in at home again, and feel much better after 3x b/p session, getting ready to take my lax and finish the night.

Motel Day 2

                                                                                      Mood:Hungover
Eleven am and the headache and cotton mouth are overwhelming.
I am hung over from last nights drinking binge.
My daughter is awake and hungry, the cats are also. This is day two of the Motel mandatory getaway.
Went to weigh and am now back down to 134lbs. Looks like my bout with Mia put everything back into perspective. I am exhausted and so dizzy, my face tingles and I can’t look down without feeling immense pressure in my forehead.
Husband is here, getting in late last night and only partaking in two drinks with the neighbors to the right.
He’s forced up and is dressing my daughter to go eat. He doesn’t bother to ask if even wanted anything.
I would’ve said no of course, he’s nothing if not predictable.
I take my supps and OEP, I stare at the gallon with the Master Cleanse.
My phobia of liquids is too much today, I don’t believe I’ll drink it today. Its not what I expected and frankly the Cleanse has to be done properly I suspect for ultimate loss.
Grade B Maple syrup is required in addition to a sea salt flush that is done daily, I haven’t been doing it justice, I’ve been cutting corners here and there. So I think maybe Monday I will try to start again with it.
I feel incredibly nauseous, its all the acid and the pills. I would love nothing more than to throw up right now, but it would be too much and I have absolutely nothing in my stomach.
Ten minutes later my daughter is back and moody, wanting to eat cereal and milk, instead being bought chocolate milk and pastries, she’s visibly upset.
Husband brought me Orange Juice, I wasn’t expecting anything to be honest.
So intake for today 120 calories.
My back is sore from too many crunches on the hard tiled motel floor, more of the same later.
Took a shower and still no relief, feel really tired and dizzy.
My body is craving the b/p..
I hate it, I feel awful without it. I have no energy to go anywhere or do anything. I miss home.
The hours go by and sleep is inevitable. My daughter is watching cartoons, the cold room makes me tired and I listen to my body for once and just stay put.
Chinese food for dinner and juice from the vending machine.
 Mia makes another appearance.
B/p session 3x. The last one was pure alcohol only, leftover beer from yesterday's get together are done, and bedtime at 5am.
Tomorrow at 11am is checkout, the fumigation is done and we can go back home. I couldn't be happier.
Dorthy was right-There's no place like home!

Motel Day 1

                                                                                       
                                                                                           Mood:Anxious
This morning I awake and its time to get going.
Today is the day of the fumigation, time to check out of here and check into a motel for a three day stay.
No internet access and only one bed in the room.
This morning took my supps and OEP, weight was 135lbs, yesterdays breakfast made me gain.
Despite efforts to lose via lax and workout, nothing did the trick.
Setback now, got to start again.
So I’m still doing the Master Cleanse (day 4) have a two day supply all ready. Hoping this stay will help me lose further.
The motel is depressing, and we’ve been here only an hour, two max.
My kitties are restless and have explored every inch of this small space already.

 I don’t have a headache yet, but had a real scary dizzy spell. I thought this spell would be the big one, but no false alarm. Although this time, this one came pretty close, any day now I suspect.

Hope its not here in this sad motel room, how cliché.
Husband has already had breakfast, persisted I eat of course, I said no. He eats in front of me, nothing looks appetizing.
I’m pretty weak, there are a few restaurants that I could walk to, but in my state I’d be afraid to. I don’t even want to think about b/p at all, been on lax two days straight, I’m sure my body is hurting real bad.
I hate that I am so aware of the damage, I wish I were dumber at times.
The panic attacks keep coming, its this place. I can’t seem to relax for an instant, I’m out of my safety zone.
I detest motels, they dredge up bad memories.
I have nothing whatsoever to do here, its either in or out.
The room is too cold, the light bright and flickering. The smell of stale cigarettes and pine sol burn my nose and irritate my sinuses.
God, its only Friday, still have to do this all over again tomorrow. I should be resting, but I can’t.
My daughter is at school. She was actually excited about the stay here, that’s going to get tired real quick after about an hour when there is no where to go and no one to see.
The room is an awful sick green, the tiles white once, now beige, just mopped over filth from the years, the TV is out of date and only catches locals channels. The bathroom mocks me with its tiny toilet bowl and little soaps.

 Two thin scratchy towels and an even thinner shower curtain, brown like fudge. No shampoo, good thing I came prepared. Brought my scale also, its found a home in the claustrophobic bathroom resting on a corner tile.

My mind is racing, it’s the anxiety attacking, I’m worried over things that are out of my hands. My thoughts flash back to people that I miss. Routines that I’m not doing. Its getting to be too much, I’m tired of thinking, tired.

Time goes by, its already October.
What a way to start the month.
I’m restless, I want to go weigh, no good now I’m full of liquid, won’t get an accurate reading.
Last night was strange, I was trying to talk to my husband about my Ed, he still won’t open up. He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get me.
I don’t know what I’m expecting or even hoping for? I should just accept the solitude that comes with this.
My chest aches, my breathing is slow. I’m not dying, yet my mind would have me believe so..
I wish I was better, I could be stronger in this, could go further, my mind and body are at war with each other. How long can this go on?
Blech, this drink is too spicy today, measured in a hurry. I wonder how long before the headache starts?
I’m wondering how the others are doing, everyone going through their own inner turmoil, some battling Ana, others Mia. Are they okay today?
My heart goes out to a friend, at least we had good laughs last night, I hope she’ll be okay this weekend, poor thing has been through Mia’s ringer. I send her my strength, stay strong my friend.
I have no choice but to be strong, my avoidance of people lately limit my mobility, can’t b/p by sheer neurotic luck.
Free Wifi at McDonalds, hmm don’t want to go in there, could be bad, I have a twenty burning a hole in my pocket..
Better off here locked away, for today anyways..
Nine pm and have already purged twice today. Friday night at a motel is certainly entertaining, the rest of the evening was spent outside watching the show.
My neighbors to the right of me, a young couple who wanted a weekend to relax were very friendly. She was a stripper who did hair, her boyfriend, a twenty seven year old man who just got out of prison. They were incredibly talkative and hospitable the whole evening.
There were all kinds here tonight, the usual couples looking for an evening romp, the closeted gay men, the ones having affairs, and a few scattered here and there that actually took residence here in this small sixteen room motel.
I got to see them all.
The motel owner’s son, who always takes the night shift made his rounds across the lot. Buckets of ice and plastic cups always in hand. He talked here and there with the other motel patrons and told the same story over and over to us all, how he came to own the property.
The night continued for me into the wee hours, my daughter fell asleep at ten, tired from too much TV and chicken.
The neighbors and I continued our banter outside, sharing drinks of Bacardi Apple Rum and cigarettes, swapping stories to pass the time.
Four am was quitting time finally, my eyes were dry and bloodshot from the rum, my throat achy and sore from the purge. Tomorrow will be another long one with more or less of the same I suspect.