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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Motel Day 1

                                                                                       
                                                                                           Mood:Anxious
This morning I awake and its time to get going.
Today is the day of the fumigation, time to check out of here and check into a motel for a three day stay.
No internet access and only one bed in the room.
This morning took my supps and OEP, weight was 135lbs, yesterdays breakfast made me gain.
Despite efforts to lose via lax and workout, nothing did the trick.
Setback now, got to start again.
So I’m still doing the Master Cleanse (day 4) have a two day supply all ready. Hoping this stay will help me lose further.
The motel is depressing, and we’ve been here only an hour, two max.
My kitties are restless and have explored every inch of this small space already.


 I don’t have a headache yet, but had a real scary dizzy spell. I thought this spell would be the big one, but no false alarm. Although this time, this one came pretty close, any day now I suspect.
Hope its not here in this sad motel room, how cliché.
Husband has already had breakfast, persisted I eat of course, I said no. He eats in front of me, nothing looks appetizing.
I’m pretty weak, there are a few restaurants that I could walk to, but in my state I’d be afraid to. I don’t even want to think about b/p at all, been on lax two days straight, I’m sure my body is hurting real bad.
I hate that I am so aware of the damage, I wish I were dumber at times.
The panic attacks keep coming, its this place. I can’t seem to relax for an instant, I’m out of my safety zone.
I detest motels, they dredge up bad memories.
I have nothing whatsoever to do here, its either in or out.
The room is too cold, the light bright and flickering. The smell of stale cigarettes and pine sol burn my nose and irritate my sinuses.
God, its only Friday, still have to do this all over again tomorrow. I should be resting, but I can’t.
My daughter is at school. She was actually excited about the stay here, that’s going to get tired real quick after about an hour when there is no where to go and no one to see.
The room is an awful sick green, the tiles white once, now beige, just mopped over filth from the years, the TV is out of date and only catches locals channels. The bathroom mocks me with its tiny toilet bowl and little soaps.
 Two thin scratchy towels and an even thinner shower curtain, brown like fudge. No shampoo, good thing I came prepared. Brought my scale also, its found a home in the claustrophobic bathroom resting on a corner tile.
My mind is racing, it’s the anxiety attacking, I’m worried over things that are out of my hands. My thoughts flash back to people that I miss. Routines that I’m not doing. Its getting to be too much, I’m tired of thinking, tired.
Time goes by, its already October.
What a way to start the month.
I’m restless, I want to go weigh, no good now I’m full of liquid, won’t get an accurate reading.
Last night was strange, I was trying to talk to my husband about my Ed, he still won’t open up. He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get me.
I don’t know what I’m expecting or even hoping for? I should just accept the solitude that comes with this.
My chest aches, my breathing is slow. I’m not dying, yet my mind would have me believe so..
I wish I was better, I could be stronger in this, could go further, my mind and body are at war with each other. How long can this go on?
Blech, this drink is too spicy today, measured in a hurry. I wonder how long before the headache starts?
I’m wondering how the others are doing, everyone going through their own inner turmoil, some battling Ana, others Mia. Are they okay today?
My heart goes out to a friend, at least we had good laughs last night, I hope she’ll be okay this weekend, poor thing has been through Mia’s ringer. I send her my strength, stay strong my friend.
I have no choice but to be strong, my avoidance of people lately limit my mobility, can’t b/p by sheer neurotic luck.
Free Wifi at McDonalds, hmm don’t want to go in there, could be bad, I have a twenty burning a hole in my pocket..
Better off here locked away, for today anyways..
Nine pm and have already purged twice today. Friday night at a motel is certainly entertaining, the rest of the evening was spent outside watching the show.
My neighbors to the right of me, a young couple who wanted a weekend to relax were very friendly. She was a stripper who did hair, her boyfriend, a twenty seven year old man who just got out of prison. They were incredibly talkative and hospitable the whole evening.
There were all kinds here tonight, the usual couples looking for an evening romp, the closeted gay men, the ones having affairs, and a few scattered here and there that actually took residence here in this small sixteen room motel.
I got to see them all.
The motel owner’s son, who always takes the night shift made his rounds across the lot. Buckets of ice and plastic cups always in hand. He talked here and there with the other motel patrons and told the same story over and over to us all, how he came to own the property.
The night continued for me into the wee hours, my daughter fell asleep at ten, tired from too much TV and chicken.
The neighbors and I continued our banter outside, sharing drinks of Bacardi Apple Rum and cigarettes, swapping stories to pass the time.
Four am was quitting time finally, my eyes were dry and bloodshot from the rum, my throat achy and sore from the purge. Tomorrow will be another long one with more or less of the same I suspect.

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