Tuesday, October 5, 2010

At wit's end

Last night around 9pm or so, was craving so bad.
I put last night's spaghetti away and decided not to cave. I was incredibly exhausted and dizzy. Well I should know better! Fool me once Mia...
Plateau wee!
So pissed I am stuck at 132..
Went to Walmart to do groceries and completely forgot about the 40$ that I blew at Publix yesterday, totally miscalculated food budget and couldn't even get half of what I really needed in the house. My focus is non existent, I don't even know how I could mess that one up. I'm sure my brain has shrunk centimeter's in diameter already that's the only possible explanation for my many blunders lately.
So the good news is that I at least have the money set aside for the syrup and sea salt and tea for the cleanse. It will have to wait until another day then. Gonna b/p my butt off today and lax. I feel so depressed. At least I know a way to feel better, even if it is the worst possible thing to do.
Panic Attacks in the car on the way to Walmart, then super dizzy and freezing in the store. Had to have my arms folded across my chest just to hide the nips that wouldn't go down. The dizziness came and went. At one point I almost sat down on the floor just to have the spinning stop, instead said a little prayer and God got me safely home in one piece. Now I have the stinging in my chest, trying to come down from the attack. I am so tired of this already! Why is this happening now, I have too much going on already without these stupid attacks too!
Grr so frustrated.
Someone recommended to me this weekend that I just go to the mental ward and let them commit me for three days, once that happens all my troubles will be over, I'll be in the system and can have all these options of help available to me. I have no insurance and the will to get better, where the depression and anxiety are concerned at least. I wonder if one day I'll be rid of these afflictions or at least sedated enough that it doesn't bother me anymore. The psych ward? I don't know about that, once they get their hands on me they may not let me go?
I just want a chance, I hate to have a stop to anything without a try first.
I need asshole classes-I wonder if they have a course like that in college?
I need to be more assertive and say what I want and stop worrying about hurting other people's feelings since mines don't seem to matter. I need a tougher skin and bigger balls. I need to get my point across where it matters the most.
I just need something else to change other than the numbers on the scale. Is that too much to ask?
Tomorrow I'm off to the Whole Foods Store and getting what I need. Hope I have enough energy to both drive and walk..