Boo it's Tuesday :(

                                                                                     Mood:Sad

Monday was a blurry b/p mess.
The only productive thing that was done during a break from Mia was clothes shopping for my daughter's Graduation. I found a beautiful short Red Trench, I wasn't thinking of wearing it to my daughter's ceremony, this will be worn on another occasion if I ever get my car back, perhaps with nothing more than underwear underneath for my new lover.
Ah, Tuesday is here, usually I would be smiling from the night before, because Tuesday would be the perfect day, the happy day.
A great session with my Shrink followed by afternoon delight..
Not today.
This morning I woke up extra sad, and sobbed into my hands in the shower for ten straight minutes.
I felt like it was not fair, it's not fair that my husband got away with his infidelity and I cannot. Is it because God wants us to stay together, me bound in a loveless sham of a marriage?
Why can't I do what I want too?
Why does it feel like the minute I try to do anything even remotely out of character for me, the brakes are slammed on?
I get dressed in blah clothing, no make up on my face. I run a comb through my hair that's in need of a touch up already.
I don't take the Lexapro today, I'm done with that pill and it's ridiculous side effects that include weight gain!
I take my supplements and wake my daughter up for school.
I drop her off with an over sweetened coffee in my hand and notice today that my crush is looking me over. Why is it once you move on men suddenly take notice of you or their need for you?
I can't be bothered today and besides I look a fright.
Back home now and this would be my cue to b/p before therapy, but I don't. I stuff a banana and a bag of my favorite candy Red Hots in my purse. I bring my meds along to my visit today and also a sheet of paper with all the weeks craziness scribbled on it in case I forget to mention it in my session.
My husband wakes up at ten and is not happy, not only that he seems to be getting sick. Maybe I'll get lucky and catch it and it turns deadly and I'm finally put out of my misery.
I feel extra suicidal today, you cannot believe how much the bottle of sleeping pills calls out to me. It seems so appealing to just take it and hear nothing. Be at peace, no more struggle....ever.
On the way to my therapy session, a ride there courtesy of my husband, he starts to complain of how he is broke and the rest of the month and next month the same thing. My light bill came in the mail yesterday and its two months past due?
He's slacking off on bill paying, sometimes I wonder if he has a child out of wedlock with the woman he cheated on me with?
I can't understand where the money goes, lord knows I don't see any and neither does my kid.
My eyes get watery and I look out the window in silent anguish.
I feel bad and he makes me feel worse, he makes it seem like I broke the car.
I hate this part of my life, I wish I could fast forward to when I'll be happy and in love or anything else, but not this part. Not this awful part where the band aid keeps coming off.
I don't argue with him, I just feel sad. My thoughts keep going back to last Tuesday where I'm in bed naked and unafraid of my body and how I look. My dear friend and I conversing and eating candy in bed and holding each other. How good it felt to be distracted and not have to be reminded of the awful eating disordered life that awaited me the rest of the week.
I can't see him today, possibly the rest of the month.
He is very understanding for the most part, at least I know he feels the same way too because he constantly tells me so everyday now. The constant texts and IM's the phone calls, he reminds me of how much he misses me and that soon we will be together again. I'm glad he knows about my eating disorder, sometimes I talk to him about it when he asks, he likes to learn new things and ask so many questions. He doesn't understand, but he makes the effort to support me. He wishes I get better, he says I'm amazing..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all the nice compliments he gives me, I say Thank You of course. It's just so odd to hear that, I don't think I'm anything.
In the Shrinks office now and she's on time and bubbly as usual.
In our session I tell her everything from the week. The shooting, the car, my new lover and the medication.
She tells me to stop taking it, and says in the meantime I could even try taking half of the Lexapro. I can't see the psychiatrist until the beginning of June for a new medication. He is booked up solid.
She feels for me and thinks that I shouldn't give up on Happy Tuesdays, that I should take the bus even..
I'll see what happens, the way I'm feeling today, I can't really wrap my head around any plans yet.
My husband picks me up and its a quiet car ride home, the only question asked was the one concerning my medication. I explain and that's that.
Home now and after my daughter is picked up from school I binge,
my phone rings and its my oldest brother who wants to stop by in twenty minutes!

He arrives on time and I feel dizzy, to distract myself I chat up a storm, there wasn't a quiet awkward pause at all during his whole visit.
I got over the interruption, and was actually glad for his visit. I missed him I suppose.
It's nice to be thought about, I need to appreciate that more. I need to change.
Now I'd like to binge again but I got an IM from my best friend/lover. I told him I had company and he said he would give me some time and then get back on, I'm still waiting..
Maybe another binge won't happen?
I'm blogging now to distract myself, my throat hurts so bad. I've cut my nails too to kill more time.
At least now I can drink again, should I be happy for that? No pills means more play.
I feel so sad. I hope I can feel better, I'm so tired.
I was chatting with my dear friend and she was having a hard day as well, b/p too. I was telling her how much I'd love to just end it all at times, how peaceful the idea sounds, she feels like that too of course as most of us disordered folk do. The alternative living is awful and downright impossible some days.
I hope this weight comes off soon. I feel so fat today.
I hope you all are well. I think I'll go do some sit ups now while I wait for him to come back online..

Happy Mother's Day

Saurday Night Vlog

Friday's Vlog..a bit early in the day I might add

Put me outta my Misery someone please!

                                                                                      Mood:Depressed
My neighbor got shot today in my building, she was an 80 year woman, she was dating a man who abused her, she broke things off with him last week.
He waited for the woman's daughter to leave for work and then made his way inside my building, dragging her body out into the back hallway and then pulling out his gun and shooting her.

The ambulance took her away still working on her body.

She was taken to a nearby hospital where she is on a ventilator holding on, almost gone.

Her daughter is distraught as are all of us that knew her.

My tarot said loss, this could be it.

I'm at 108.5 today because I ate and didn't work out.

This new medication is making me drowsey and nauseous, gives me a huge headache.

I did groceries today and bought random things.

I feel blah, I feel sad. I feel everything at once and I don't like it.

I have to get acclimated to this medication I suppose.

My car is acting up, some parts need to be changed now and that means money.

My husband is very upset with me, he thinks I picked a lemon. I ruin everything.

I can see my shrink Tuesday but only because he is giving me a ride. I can't see my friend afterwards, this makes me sad.

Why is it I can only get a little taste of happiness?

Why does it always seem that I can hold onto nothing?

My husband can have an affair and fun, I cannot. The minute I even try everything gets disrupted and taken away.

I'm binging now.

I'm sure I'll gain again. I don't know why I bother anymore.

I should just gobble all the pills right now. I have the worst luck, why does God hate me so much?

If I'm good I get punished, If I'm up to no good, the same thing!

What am I suppose to do, what the fuck does he want me to do?

Well I know for certain, he doesn't want me to be in a relationship with anyone else. Goodbye Old friend, I'm sure you will get tired of waiting for me. Let's see what else, he wants me to stay with my husband and keep having problems, oh and he wants me to be bald and toothless and fat.



I can't have any friends or go anywhere, work forget it..A car yeah right!
Suffer Bitch Muahahahaha!
I'm getting worn down, I don't think I wanna fight anymore. Why am I trying to go against the current?
I'm not meant to do anything else in this life, why try?
At least I had a nice day on Tuesday, one good day where everything went right and I was happy.
I can always look back on that day and say it happened, life happened to me once. A different version of the one I lead now.
I hope my eating disorder kills me soon. I want to stop being a huge financial burden. I'm tired all the time, so tired in my mind and heart.
I hate myself so much. I guess this, all of this is well deserved.
I have to finish binging then I'm gonna go purge and if I'm not too tired workout. I may take a sleeping pill tonight, I have a feeling my friend will want to text me or talk, and I don't know how to tell him that I can't see him anymore. I'm going to have to distance myself from him.
Life is so unfair.

Recap

                                                                             Mood: Happy
Sunday.. night I caved after vlogging, my husband brought food home. I b/p a lot that night, after the last purge I got real dizzy. My husband and my daughter were talking to me and their voices drifted in and out, loud and low. I felt hot and flustered. I did not feel well at all, I needed Gatorade and something sweet.
We headed to the nearest Winn Dixie where I got a Muscle Milk Shake and some bananas not to mention fresh air.
At home I ate a cup of white seedless Grapes, I tallied up all my calories to almost 700..I instantly felt better and then worse because my mind raced with thoughts of purging. As I was about to get up and do so, my old friend from school who I saw last week IM me online. I spoke to him and told him about what just happened and even that I was thinking about purging. He kept me distracted long enough for the purging fantasy to fade away. I weighed before bed and I was up to 111lbs.
At least everything I ate was healthy, not too guilty then. In the morning I was back down to 109.4lbs..
I was happy and a little bit hopeful. I had eaten and my weight wasn't a catastrophe. Maybe I can do this, eat one day?
Monday:
I wake up this morning happy that the weight has gone, I felt good having healthy calories in me. The dizziness is gone, only replaced by a sudden rush of too many things to do today. I have to go to the dentist and get everything ready for Tuesday's Shrinks visit, no to mention my own primping for a visit with the opposite sex.
My husband tags along to the Dentist office with me while I go ahead and see to what degree does this new found insurance go?

In the Dentist chair I was absolutely nervous!
I calmed down best I could, there's something sinister about a blue bib and spit sink that I could never get over. Not looking forward to the little sharp hook looking instrument that picks away at cavities. In the back of my mind I wondered how bad my teeth really were considering all the purging? Would the Dentist be able to tell and should I even mention it?
Before I could even ponder anything else, the usual commotion ensues concerning my Driver's license..
No one believes that's me.
One of the Dental assistants locks the door behind her in the room I'm in.
"You're not leaving this office until you tell us the Secret to your diet."
I blush heavily in embarrassment, what on Earth am I suppose to say. I tell them the usual company line..eat less, no junk food, exercise yada yada..you don't wanna be like me ladies!
So the damage is non existent, I only have one cavity and some Tarter buildup.
The rest of the suggestions are Cosmetic things I want to get done.
All in all a great visit. Now for the hard part..How much?
My insurance covers none of the things I want done. A $4,000 bill is what I'm handed. How disappointing.
They can work a payment plan with me, $90 a month, that I can do..if I was working.
My husband sees my long face and says he can pay for it in installments. I tell him I'd have to see, it's not necessary, I really just wanted to know what my insurance would pay. I can see what he's trying to do, buy more time with me, more ties to my life. I can't have him paying for unnecessary things.
Afterwards we pick up my daughter from school then head to the Video Store, I've made Dinner in the Crock pot and feel sorta down. I also feel rushed, like I have so much to do and not enough time. I pass by the Barber shop to inquire about a trim, the very chatty Barber tells me he cannot cut my hair.
"A man should never touch a woman..for obvious reasons."
Sounds sexist to me. He walks me down the block to his wife's Beauty Salon who gives me the trim instead.
Later on at home I b/p on dinner.
Tuesday:
The morning starts off full of jitters and fear. I see the new Shrink at 9:15, what is he going to say?
I also see my old friend from school who I've slept with and now that makes us what?
So it's time to get moving, I rush my daughter outta bed and finish getting ready. My husband is asleep as usual but every now and then I catch glimpses of him out the corner of my eye, he is looking at me. I look cute today, I'm wearing a white tank and skinny tight black jeans, a beautiful scarf that the lovely Peridot has given to me as a gift and some black Trojan sandals. I smell sweet like perfume and my hair is cut and dyed.
I have on new underwear too.
Today I will not worry about my body because my old friend who is sorta my best friend in way really, we're so close and share everything, likes my body, tells me I'm perfect. I should start believing that.
I want to relax and I do when I'm with him, I even eat..not actual food, mostly I have bags of Candy in my purse, Red Hots or any other sugary sweet like that.
I will take it easy on myself today.
I find parking today fairly easy and make my way over to the lobby to register and wait.

After what seems like hours, actual time 10 minutes I'm called in to see the psychologist..
He is average height and tan, green eyes and one of those awful Cesar looking haircuts. He works out, he's very buff..too buff for my liking. He wears a tight purple long sleeve shirt and even tighter pants, he has no business wearing those tight ass pants!
I'm incredibly nervous. I sit in his office and we go over why I'm here.
Finally after questioning and even a small talk, he decides to write me a prescription for medicine.
I'm given Mood Stabilizers and even a pill for my Insomnia.
I can't believe how simple it was? I'm to see him again next month. He gives me a referral for a clinic in this same building, I'm to get myself checked out.
I head out his office, clinic bound.
My insurance carrier needs to be notified so I can switch hospitals, next month I have an app for this new clinic. I head to the Pharmacy to fill my prescription. I have an hour before I see my regular therapist so I charge my phone and wait for my meds. I'm texting my best friend/lover/I have no idea what; and my mood turns to excitement. I'm really Happy today.
My therapist calls to tell me she is running an hour behind, she would like to reschedule our session. I tell her about the meds and physical that is ordered, she is happy for me.
My pills are ready and so am I, I'm ready to leave and go relax.
I arrive at best friend's house where I'm greeted by a huge smile and kiss. This visit we actually saw a move-"Insidious.."
We liked it, we're both horror fanatics. It was nice watching a movie with him, his arm around me and the comments about the film. A kiss here and there too.
Sex in the dark this time, and I didn't care one bit about what my body looked like. I was completely in tune with him. Finally a day off from the ED.
I didn't leave his house till after 5pm, I didn't want to go.
On the way home I stop by a Checker's and buy burgers and a milkshake.
As I'm binging at home, my husband arrives, he's questioning where did I go and do?
I clip my answers to avoid any arguments. He drops the inquiry and watches basketball. I go purge and weigh expecting madness seeing as how I ate tons of candy all day long.

108lbs flat. Hmm maybe all that fucking does burn a ton of calories?
I decide I will take my new meds tomorrow morning, I don't think I'll take the one for sleeping until the weekend, and I'll only take half of one. I need to start catching up on sleep.
I'm done b/p for the night and get back online to talk with my best friend. We are both in such high spirits. Suddenly Tuesdays seem so far away. I think it's good, time apart so you can't get on each other's nerves. We chat till 2am, I have my final drink of wine, can't drink with these pills.
Wednesday:
6am and time for exercise and pills..

After dropping my daughter off at school, I have to go grocery shopping.

The first effects of the pill is felt, first a headache, the nausea, lastly Joy!

I'm actually happy. I feel sort of stoned at times too.

On the long drive to the Market my Car slows down to a snails pace followed by dying on me completely.

I call my husband who is none too please, I'm in good spirits and he don't care what he thinks.

A very nice police officer parks behind me for my safety while I wait. From across the street a very nice Samaritan offers to push my car into the nearby parking Lot across the street.

My husband finally arrives to gave me a jump and we head back home.

The battery is replaced and the day continues with positivity overload followed by a sudden need to sleep. The pills may cause drowsiness the label says.

10 pm and the effects are wearing off, I cry all of a sudden for no reason?

Afterwards my mood picks up again?

I'm really sleepy now, I'm sorry for the late post not to mention long.

I need some rest. Tomorrow onward with the medication. I plan to apply for more jobs and hopefully Grocery Shopping too.

Nite all.



Blah Sunday