Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Boo it's Tuesday :(


Monday was a blurry b/p mess.
The only productive thing that was done during a break from Mia was clothes shopping for my daughter's Graduation. I found a beautiful short Red Trench, I wasn't thinking of wearing it to my daughter's ceremony, this will be worn on another occasion if I ever get my car back, perhaps with nothing more than underwear underneath for my new lover.
Ah, Tuesday is here, usually I would be smiling from the night before, because Tuesday would be the perfect day, the happy day.
A great session with my Shrink followed by afternoon delight..
Not today.
This morning I woke up extra sad, and sobbed into my hands in the shower for ten straight minutes.
I felt like it was not fair, it's not fair that my husband got away with his infidelity and I cannot. Is it because God wants us to stay together, me bound in a loveless sham of a marriage?
Why can't I do what I want too?
Why does it feel like the minute I try to do anything even remotely out of character for me, the brakes are slammed on?
I get dressed in blah clothing, no make up on my face. I run a comb through my hair that's in need of a touch up already.
I don't take the Lexapro today, I'm done with that pill and it's ridiculous side effects that include weight gain!
I take my supplements and wake my daughter up for school.
I drop her off with an over sweetened coffee in my hand and notice today that my crush is looking me over. Why is it once you move on men suddenly take notice of you or their need for you?
I can't be bothered today and besides I look a fright.
Back home now and this would be my cue to b/p before therapy, but I don't. I stuff a banana and a bag of my favorite candy Red Hots in my purse. I bring my meds along to my visit today and also a sheet of paper with all the weeks craziness scribbled on it in case I forget to mention it in my session.
My husband wakes up at ten and is not happy, not only that he seems to be getting sick. Maybe I'll get lucky and catch it and it turns deadly and I'm finally put out of my misery.
I feel extra suicidal today, you cannot believe how much the bottle of sleeping pills calls out to me. It seems so appealing to just take it and hear nothing. Be at peace, no more struggle....ever.
On the way to my therapy session, a ride there courtesy of my husband, he starts to complain of how he is broke and the rest of the month and next month the same thing. My light bill came in the mail yesterday and its two months past due?
He's slacking off on bill paying, sometimes I wonder if he has a child out of wedlock with the woman he cheated on me with?
I can't understand where the money goes, lord knows I don't see any and neither does my kid.
My eyes get watery and I look out the window in silent anguish.
I feel bad and he makes me feel worse, he makes it seem like I broke the car.
I hate this part of my life, I wish I could fast forward to when I'll be happy and in love or anything else, but not this part. Not this awful part where the band aid keeps coming off.
I don't argue with him, I just feel sad. My thoughts keep going back to last Tuesday where I'm in bed naked and unafraid of my body and how I look. My dear friend and I conversing and eating candy in bed and holding each other. How good it felt to be distracted and not have to be reminded of the awful eating disordered life that awaited me the rest of the week.
I can't see him today, possibly the rest of the month.
He is very understanding for the most part, at least I know he feels the same way too because he constantly tells me so everyday now. The constant texts and IM's the phone calls, he reminds me of how much he misses me and that soon we will be together again. I'm glad he knows about my eating disorder, sometimes I talk to him about it when he asks, he likes to learn new things and ask so many questions. He doesn't understand, but he makes the effort to support me. He wishes I get better, he says I'm amazing..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all the nice compliments he gives me, I say Thank You of course. It's just so odd to hear that, I don't think I'm anything.
In the Shrinks office now and she's on time and bubbly as usual.
In our session I tell her everything from the week. The shooting, the car, my new lover and the medication.
She tells me to stop taking it, and says in the meantime I could even try taking half of the Lexapro. I can't see the psychiatrist until the beginning of June for a new medication. He is booked up solid.
She feels for me and thinks that I shouldn't give up on Happy Tuesdays, that I should take the bus even..
I'll see what happens, the way I'm feeling today, I can't really wrap my head around any plans yet.
My husband picks me up and its a quiet car ride home, the only question asked was the one concerning my medication. I explain and that's that.
Home now and after my daughter is picked up from school I binge,
my phone rings and its my oldest brother who wants to stop by in twenty minutes!

He arrives on time and I feel dizzy, to distract myself I chat up a storm, there wasn't a quiet awkward pause at all during his whole visit.
I got over the interruption, and was actually glad for his visit. I missed him I suppose.
It's nice to be thought about, I need to appreciate that more. I need to change.
Now I'd like to binge again but I got an IM from my best friend/lover. I told him I had company and he said he would give me some time and then get back on, I'm still waiting..
Maybe another binge won't happen?
I'm blogging now to distract myself, my throat hurts so bad. I've cut my nails too to kill more time.
At least now I can drink again, should I be happy for that? No pills means more play.
I feel so sad. I hope I can feel better, I'm so tired.
I was chatting with my dear friend and she was having a hard day as well, b/p too. I was telling her how much I'd love to just end it all at times, how peaceful the idea sounds, she feels like that too of course as most of us disordered folk do. The alternative living is awful and downright impossible some days.
I hope this weight comes off soon. I feel so fat today.
I hope you all are well. I think I'll go do some sit ups now while I wait for him to come back online..


Peridot (G+P) said...

Fucking Mondays. *Hugs*

From what I understand from all the fucking wedding vows I've had to listen to lately, marriage is a holy consecration, something sacred, and if it a sham then God no longer smiles on it. Feh, I'm not Christian so I can speak for Him. From what i can understand of it the spirit is no longer there and it is a marriage in name only.

This shit is not a punishment, it is a TEST. A test of your fortitude, faith and willingness to find what gives you joy and fight for it, come what may.

(Sorry, its late and I'm tired and this is really fucking incoherent! The spellchecker is saving my ass right now, yo!)

Don't give up the Tuesdays! You need some time to live and do something you enjoy and spend time with people you like.

Ball&Chain needs to get his ass into gear. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with him?? It is NOT your fault the car broke down, and YOU can't go make sure the bills are paid if HE doesn't give you money to do so. If you can't, then he must. GAH that man makes me so PISSED!!!

Hold those happy memories as talismans against the dark. Cherish them since they DID happen and they WILL happen again.

I'm glad your therapist has good advice Re:Meds. I hope the gloom passes soon. They may have been causing it? I dunno. It was listed on the side effects, but you've had so much shitty luck recently as well that its all just piling on you at once. OI MURPHY,FUCKING LAY OFF LOU, WOULD YA??

I hope you have a good night and an awesome rest of the week <3

Mich said...

I AM DEFINITELY WITH YOUR THERAPIST ON THAT ONE--Don't give up your happy Tuesdays!!! That gentleman sounds lovely, and as though he is making you truly happy. You never know--he could be the perfect guy you've been waiting for. And you won't know if you don't try!
You deserve some good lovin' more than anyone else I can think of at the moment. I'll be calling on Freda to send good loving vibes in your direction. <3

Hope you are feeling better. You're wonderful, and you deserve to be loved. xoxoxoxo

unbeautiful said...

I know thoughts of suicide are hard to deal with. I know it's tempting and alluring but you can't give in to them. You have to fight them. Think of your daughter. Think of your best friend lover guy. It's hard but you can do it. Don't give in Lou.