Wednesday, May 4, 2011


                                                                             Mood: Happy
Sunday.. night I caved after vlogging, my husband brought food home. I b/p a lot that night, after the last purge I got real dizzy. My husband and my daughter were talking to me and their voices drifted in and out, loud and low. I felt hot and flustered. I did not feel well at all, I needed Gatorade and something sweet.
We headed to the nearest Winn Dixie where I got a Muscle Milk Shake and some bananas not to mention fresh air.
At home I ate a cup of white seedless Grapes, I tallied up all my calories to almost 700..I instantly felt better and then worse because my mind raced with thoughts of purging. As I was about to get up and do so, my old friend from school who I saw last week IM me online. I spoke to him and told him about what just happened and even that I was thinking about purging. He kept me distracted long enough for the purging fantasy to fade away. I weighed before bed and I was up to 111lbs.
At least everything I ate was healthy, not too guilty then. In the morning I was back down to 109.4lbs..
I was happy and a little bit hopeful. I had eaten and my weight wasn't a catastrophe. Maybe I can do this, eat one day?
I wake up this morning happy that the weight has gone, I felt good having healthy calories in me. The dizziness is gone, only replaced by a sudden rush of too many things to do today. I have to go to the dentist and get everything ready for Tuesday's Shrinks visit, no to mention my own primping for a visit with the opposite sex.
My husband tags along to the Dentist office with me while I go ahead and see to what degree does this new found insurance go?

In the Dentist chair I was absolutely nervous!
I calmed down best I could, there's something sinister about a blue bib and spit sink that I could never get over. Not looking forward to the little sharp hook looking instrument that picks away at cavities. In the back of my mind I wondered how bad my teeth really were considering all the purging? Would the Dentist be able to tell and should I even mention it?
Before I could even ponder anything else, the usual commotion ensues concerning my Driver's license..
No one believes that's me.
One of the Dental assistants locks the door behind her in the room I'm in.
"You're not leaving this office until you tell us the Secret to your diet."
I blush heavily in embarrassment, what on Earth am I suppose to say. I tell them the usual company less, no junk food, exercise yada don't wanna be like me ladies!
So the damage is non existent, I only have one cavity and some Tarter buildup.
The rest of the suggestions are Cosmetic things I want to get done.
All in all a great visit. Now for the hard part..How much?
My insurance covers none of the things I want done. A $4,000 bill is what I'm handed. How disappointing.
They can work a payment plan with me, $90 a month, that I can do..if I was working.
My husband sees my long face and says he can pay for it in installments. I tell him I'd have to see, it's not necessary, I really just wanted to know what my insurance would pay. I can see what he's trying to do, buy more time with me, more ties to my life. I can't have him paying for unnecessary things.
Afterwards we pick up my daughter from school then head to the Video Store, I've made Dinner in the Crock pot and feel sorta down. I also feel rushed, like I have so much to do and not enough time. I pass by the Barber shop to inquire about a trim, the very chatty Barber tells me he cannot cut my hair.
"A man should never touch a woman..for obvious reasons."
Sounds sexist to me. He walks me down the block to his wife's Beauty Salon who gives me the trim instead.
Later on at home I b/p on dinner.
The morning starts off full of jitters and fear. I see the new Shrink at 9:15, what is he going to say?
I also see my old friend from school who I've slept with and now that makes us what?
So it's time to get moving, I rush my daughter outta bed and finish getting ready. My husband is asleep as usual but every now and then I catch glimpses of him out the corner of my eye, he is looking at me. I look cute today, I'm wearing a white tank and skinny tight black jeans, a beautiful scarf that the lovely Peridot has given to me as a gift and some black Trojan sandals. I smell sweet like perfume and my hair is cut and dyed.
I have on new underwear too.
Today I will not worry about my body because my old friend who is sorta my best friend in way really, we're so close and share everything, likes my body, tells me I'm perfect. I should start believing that.
I want to relax and I do when I'm with him, I even eat..not actual food, mostly I have bags of Candy in my purse, Red Hots or any other sugary sweet like that.
I will take it easy on myself today.
I find parking today fairly easy and make my way over to the lobby to register and wait.

After what seems like hours, actual time 10 minutes I'm called in to see the psychologist..
He is average height and tan, green eyes and one of those awful Cesar looking haircuts. He works out, he's very buff..too buff for my liking. He wears a tight purple long sleeve shirt and even tighter pants, he has no business wearing those tight ass pants!
I'm incredibly nervous. I sit in his office and we go over why I'm here.
Finally after questioning and even a small talk, he decides to write me a prescription for medicine.
I'm given Mood Stabilizers and even a pill for my Insomnia.
I can't believe how simple it was? I'm to see him again next month. He gives me a referral for a clinic in this same building, I'm to get myself checked out.
I head out his office, clinic bound.
My insurance carrier needs to be notified so I can switch hospitals, next month I have an app for this new clinic. I head to the Pharmacy to fill my prescription. I have an hour before I see my regular therapist so I charge my phone and wait for my meds. I'm texting my best friend/lover/I have no idea what; and my mood turns to excitement. I'm really Happy today.
My therapist calls to tell me she is running an hour behind, she would like to reschedule our session. I tell her about the meds and physical that is ordered, she is happy for me.
My pills are ready and so am I, I'm ready to leave and go relax.
I arrive at best friend's house where I'm greeted by a huge smile and kiss. This visit we actually saw a move-"Insidious.."
We liked it, we're both horror fanatics. It was nice watching a movie with him, his arm around me and the comments about the film. A kiss here and there too.
Sex in the dark this time, and I didn't care one bit about what my body looked like. I was completely in tune with him. Finally a day off from the ED.
I didn't leave his house till after 5pm, I didn't want to go.
On the way home I stop by a Checker's and buy burgers and a milkshake.
As I'm binging at home, my husband arrives, he's questioning where did I go and do?
I clip my answers to avoid any arguments. He drops the inquiry and watches basketball. I go purge and weigh expecting madness seeing as how I ate tons of candy all day long.

108lbs flat. Hmm maybe all that fucking does burn a ton of calories?
I decide I will take my new meds tomorrow morning, I don't think I'll take the one for sleeping until the weekend, and I'll only take half of one. I need to start catching up on sleep.
I'm done b/p for the night and get back online to talk with my best friend. We are both in such high spirits. Suddenly Tuesdays seem so far away. I think it's good, time apart so you can't get on each other's nerves. We chat till 2am, I have my final drink of wine, can't drink with these pills.
6am and time for exercise and pills..

After dropping my daughter off at school, I have to go grocery shopping.
The first effects of the pill is felt, first a headache, the nausea, lastly Joy!
I'm actually happy. I feel sort of stoned at times too.
On the long drive to the Market my Car slows down to a snails pace followed by dying on me completely.
I call my husband who is none too please, I'm in good spirits and he don't care what he thinks.
A very nice police officer parks behind me for my safety while I wait. From across the street a very nice Samaritan offers to push my car into the nearby parking Lot across the street.
My husband finally arrives to gave me a jump and we head back home.
The battery is replaced and the day continues with positivity overload followed by a sudden need to sleep. The pills may cause drowsiness the label says.
10 pm and the effects are wearing off, I cry all of a sudden for no reason?
Afterwards my mood picks up again?
I'm really sleepy now, I'm sorry for the late post not to mention long.
I need some rest. Tomorrow onward with the medication. I plan to apply for more jobs and hopefully Grocery Shopping too.
Nite all.


Jenn said...

of course, you KNOW I'm dying of curiosity. What r the pills??

Hope they keep making you happy not sad. You're doing so great--being open and exploring your feelings. Makes ME happy just thinking about it.