Thursday, May 5, 2011

Put me outta my Misery someone please!

My neighbor got shot today in my building, she was an 80 year woman, she was dating a man who abused her, she broke things off with him last week.
He waited for the woman's daughter to leave for work and then made his way inside my building, dragging her body out into the back hallway and then pulling out his gun and shooting her.

The ambulance took her away still working on her body.
She was taken to a nearby hospital where she is on a ventilator holding on, almost gone.
Her daughter is distraught as are all of us that knew her.
My tarot said loss, this could be it.
I'm at 108.5 today because I ate and didn't work out.
This new medication is making me drowsey and nauseous, gives me a huge headache.
I did groceries today and bought random things.
I feel blah, I feel sad. I feel everything at once and I don't like it.
I have to get acclimated to this medication I suppose.
My car is acting up, some parts need to be changed now and that means money.
My husband is very upset with me, he thinks I picked a lemon. I ruin everything.
I can see my shrink Tuesday but only because he is giving me a ride. I can't see my friend afterwards, this makes me sad.
Why is it I can only get a little taste of happiness?
Why does it always seem that I can hold onto nothing?
My husband can have an affair and fun, I cannot. The minute I even try everything gets disrupted and taken away.
I'm binging now.
I'm sure I'll gain again. I don't know why I bother anymore.
I should just gobble all the pills right now. I have the worst luck, why does God hate me so much?
If I'm good I get punished, If I'm up to no good, the same thing!
What am I suppose to do, what the fuck does he want me to do?
Well I know for certain, he doesn't want me to be in a relationship with anyone else. Goodbye Old friend, I'm sure you will get tired of waiting for me. Let's see what else, he wants me to stay with my husband and keep having problems, oh and he wants me to be bald and toothless and fat.

I can't have any friends or go anywhere, work forget it..A car yeah right!
Suffer Bitch Muahahahaha!
I'm getting worn down, I don't think I wanna fight anymore. Why am I trying to go against the current?
I'm not meant to do anything else in this life, why try?
At least I had a nice day on Tuesday, one good day where everything went right and I was happy.
I can always look back on that day and say it happened, life happened to me once. A different version of the one I lead now.
I hope my eating disorder kills me soon. I want to stop being a huge financial burden. I'm tired all the time, so tired in my mind and heart.
I hate myself so much. I guess this, all of this is well deserved.
I have to finish binging then I'm gonna go purge and if I'm not too tired workout. I may take a sleeping pill tonight, I have a feeling my friend will want to text me or talk, and I don't know how to tell him that I can't see him anymore. I'm going to have to distance myself from him.
Life is so unfair.


Jenn said...

Oh NO! that's horrible about your neighbor. I'm so sorry :-(

Don't be so down about life other that that. Can your friend pick you up from the shrink? can you take the bus?

chin up girl, a lot can happen in 5 days to change your situation.

unbeautiful said...

I'm so sorry about your neighbor. That's horrible.
Don't give up on yourself. You've come so far. You deserve so much more than this. Yes, it is an uphill battle but "life is a climb but the view is great". You just have to keep fighting. Stay strong Lou.

Emily, said...

Don't ever give up love.

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear about your neighbour, that's absolutely horrible.
try to keep positive, getting down on things is only an invitation for more negative thoughts.
get your friend to pick you up, you don't always have to go 90 and others 10. make him go out of his way for you :)
there will be more Tuesdays to come, it'll be worth the fight.

Peridot (G+P) said...

*Look of horror* OMG MOVE OUT OF AMERICA!!! Scary!! I hope she pulls through :(

It takes about 3 months for your body to accept meds, the first week or two are also the rockiest phase of taking them. DON'T YOU DARE PURSE THEM UP, WOMAN!!1! they'll never start working properly that way!

Why can't you see him anymore? Why can't you have moments of happiness? I don't think it's a punishment, I think its a test. Hard test bring better rewards. Kia kaha, Lou. Better days will come.

I am going to reschedule the physio appointment, I'm gonna ring them on Monday. The knee is still clicking, and I don't think I'm doing the exercises she gave me right :(

Next time I'm gonna stay hydrated and not do two consecutive chapters if someone doesn't show. I've been putting up with this shit for the last 10 years so you'd think I knew better by now! *Facepalm*

I love you so much, Lou. I'm sending some happy kitten-huggin' vibes your way. You can make it through the crap, you deserve to be happy and free.


Almost.Skinny said...

Don't give up. There will be more Tuesdays- I promise! xxx
p.s. Australia is safer- no guns and good free healthcare!! Come over here!

Mich said...

I'm sorry about your neighbour. I hope you're ok.

Don't give up on your friend. And don't give up in general! Life will try and kick you when you're down, but you've just got to keep trying. Otherwise you'll never know what could have been. You deserve to fight, and to be happy. <3


wj89 said...

I feel the same way about not being able to hold onto happiness..after 4 years of struggle and strife, I thought I'd found my ray of sunshine, but it didn't even last a month..right back into the hellhole..=3